Universe: ATF
Main Characters: Buck, Ezra, Chris
Disclaimer: Don't own them but wish I did. Not making money off of this, wish I could.
Warning: Rated R contains sexual situations and rape scene If you are under 18 years of age, please do not read any further!
Thanks to all those who wrote in this universe before me, especially Sue Kelley. I hope I didn't step on any toes. Thank you Mog for this playpen. Marla and Katy, you've been great, thanks for the encouragement! Comments are appreciated but I barely got up the nerve to submit this one so please, no flames.
Ezra walked over to Chris's office door and knocked. He had shut off his computer and everything was put away on his desk. He carried a large envelope in his left hand and his coat in the other. He entered Larabee's office and handed him the envelope.
"Merry Christmas, Mr. Larabee. I will be back in the office next Thursday. I have cleared my leave with Judge Travis and my Christmas presents for the team are inside the envelope. I know you were planning on having us all out at your ranch for Christmas but I find I have out of town obligations. I have to leave now. I have a plane to catch." With that he turned and walked out the door and down the hallway to the elevators.
Chris was stunned. Ezra had not mentioned taking leave or not being with them for the holidays. He had kept this trip totally secret. Chris picked up the envelope and went to his door. "Standish, get your ass back here right now. We're in the middle of a major operation. You can't just take off like this. Get back here, now!"
Ezra merely waved as he entered the elevator. The doors closed and he was gone.
"What the hell is going on here?" Chris looked at the others and they all seemed just as surprised as he was. Vin stood up and walked over to him.
"What's in the envelope, boss?"
"I don't know. He said it was his Christmas presents for the rest of us. Who does he think he is, going above my head to the Judge and getting this leave approved?"
Vin grabbed the envelope out of Chris's hand and dumped the contents on his desk. There were five smaller envelopes now scattered on the desk. Each envelope had a name on it. "Here, open yours, Chris."
Chris took it out of Vin's hand and ripped it open. He stared at a plane ticket. He opened it up and read the destination. ATLANTA,GA. There was also a car rental agreement attached to his ticket. "Open yours, Vin."
Vin did so and pulled out a ticket to Atlanta. Vin smiled and saw that the plane was to leave Friday morning. "Guess I should pack some clothes. The return is on Tuesday."
"You are not going anywhere! None of us are! This is bull shit. Standish has gone too far this time. I don't care if the Judge did approve a leave for him, his ass is out of here as soon as he gets it back in this office. And the rest of us are not going anywhere, Atlanta or the moon, for that matter." Chris moved to sit behind his desk. Vin didn't say anything but he smiled. He picked up the rest of the envelopes and carried them out to the other members of Team 7. He handed them out and was in the process of telling Josiah, Nathan and J.D. that Ezra had left the tickets for all of them when Chris stormed out into the bullpen.
"Vin, I already told you that none of us is going anywhere! What about that didn't you understand?" He stood with his arms folded, glaring at the younger man.
"Chris, this team has lost enough already. If Ezra wants to give us all a trip out of this town where we can have a Merry Christmas, then let's go. I've had enough gloom for a while, haven't you? I don't remember the last time anyone really laughed around here! Buck would be the first to tell you that it's time for a change. What do you say, guys? Ya want to go to Atlanta for Christmas?"
Nathan looked at Josiah and then they both stood up and flanked Vin, all three looking Chris right in the eye. "We're going to Atlanta, Chris. You want to go with us?"
Chris looked at the ticket in his hand and then at the rental agreement. Attached was a set of directions to Greenville, South Carolina and beyond. He had to admit that Vin was right. The past four months had been the worst time they had lived through since the Team was formed. There was no longer the light hearted chit chat that had always been a part of the camaraderie of the group. There was no monkey business, no practical joking, and no fun in the bullpen or out on stakeouts. Chris realized right then, that the six remaining members of Team 7 were not living, but merely going through the days like zombies. Why did Greenville sound familiar? It hit Chris that Greenville was where Ezra had taken Buck when the whole Beddlington fiasco had taken place and, that he had mentioned a log cabin in the mountains where you could see thousand of stars at night. Chris bit back the emotions that memory brought forth and then he looked at his team. "Yeah, I think I want to fly to Atlanta. But boys, I wouldn't be planning on any urban nightlife. Ezra rented us a car to go to the countryside just out of Greenville, South Carolina. I'd pack a lot of jeans and flannel shirts."
Josiah turned to the youngest agent who had yet to say a thing. J.D. had been silent since they had come back from Washington. He only spoke when he had a question about a case or when he had to answer to Chris. He came in at eight and he left at five and he never socialized with any of them. He hadn't been out to Chris's ranch at all since he lost his big brother. They didn't even know if J.D. was still living at the condo. Josiah stood over his shoulder and gently said, "Son, even if we have to drag you kicking and screaming to the plane, you are going with us. We are going to see if we can't breathe a little life back into you. Don't bother arguing with me, it will do you no good."
J.D. looked up at the man he considered a father figure and he shook his head. "I don't feel much like Christmas this year, Josiah. I'm just going to spend some time with Casey and her aunt. You guys have a good time, okay. It was real nice of Ezra to do this but I think I'll pass."
Chris walked over and stood by the "kid". "It's time, J.D." With his black bangs falling over his eyes, J.D. looked up at Chris. His hero put a hand on his shoulder and continued. "He wouldn't be very proud of you right now. He would never have wanted us to stop living and it's time we got on with life. Ezra knows that, and so do Vin, Josiah, and Nathan. If Buck was here, he'd have walked out on us by now."
J.D. fought back the tears that sprang to his eyes so easily these days. He sighed and then he nodded. "I guess you're right."
Josiah pulled the rented Suburban up to the front of a magnificent two story mansion that happened to be made of logs. It sat at the edge of a valley that stretched away in the darkness. The garage sat off to the left side and on the other side was a pool house with a guest room. The swimming pool was drained at this time of year. The circular drive brought the Suburban almost right to the front door. A massive porch stretched the full length of the house and had several rocking chairs and settees positioned on it. All five men sat with their mouths open and then suddenly, Chris started to laugh. The others joined him. They had all pictured a little log cabin in the backwoods of the Deep South with the kid from the movie, "Deliverance", sitting on the porch with his banjo. Not one of them had pictured the beautiful manicured garden or the huge house that stood before them. They were still chuckling when they opened the doors of the vehicle and got out. As they were opening the rear door to get their luggage out, the front door opened and Ezra appeared with a tray in his hands. The tray held all their favorite beers.
"Greetings and salutations. I take it for granted that the instructions I left for you were explicit enough to get you here. I was beginning to worry that you had gotten lost." Ezra handed out the drinks to everyone but J.D. He noticed the youngest seemed distant and brooding, just as he did back at the office.
"This isn't exactly what we pictured when you mentioned your uncle's little log cabin in the woods, Ez." Nathan grabbed his beer and grinned at the team's undercover specialist.
"I don't believe that I ever used the word 'little', Mr. Jackson. And Chester was actually my mother's third husband. I'm afraid that there are only four bedrooms upstairs so two of you will have to share the room with the two queen size beds."
"I think we can manage, Ez. It's beautiful!" Vin chugged down part of his beer.
"It's perfect." Chris said softly, holding his beer up to Ezra in a salute.
Ezra took the compliment graciously. "It will be tomorrow if I can get some of you to go get a Christmas tree and some lights. There is a perfect spot in the great room for a large tree." He set the tray down and took a sip of his own beer.
"I think Nathan and I would like to take on that chore, Son. I personally am glad there is snow on the ground. I prefer a white Christmas with all my friends around. Thank you for our presents, Ezra."
J.D. hung his head when Josiah mentioned all his friends. As far as J.D. was concerned, the most important person was not there with them and he couldn't take it anymore. "It's not Christmas! Not without Buck and all of you know it. It's not Christmas."
Ezra walked over to the young man and put his free hand on the kid's shoulder. "Just perhaps, I can alter your perspective on this festive and contemplative time of year. Your present is on the back porch, J.D. Just go slow and easy with him. He's not fully recovered by any means, but all this was his idea."
J.D.'s mouth dropped open. For a few seconds he couldn't find his voice. He simply stared at Ezra. "He's here? Really?"
"Go on inside. Through the great room and onto the porch." Ezra winked at him.
J.D. ran into the house. He failed to notice the beautifully carved staircase or the antiques that lined the walls. He didn't notice that the kitchen had all the latest appliances or that it was sparkling clean. He didn't notice the plush furniture that was tastefully arranged in the great room or the giant fireplace that rose up twenty feet to the ceiling of the room. He made a beeline to the French doors that would take him out to the enclosed back porch. He burst through them and came to a sudden stop. Standing there with his back to the door was the tall man he considered his big brother, the man that had been torn away from him by a monster with a grudge.
"Buck?"
The man turned and J.D. rushed forward to hug his lost companion. The man took two steps backwards and pressed his back against the glass wall behind him. J.D. saw this and stopped immediately. He saw the look of absolute fear on the man 's face and his heart fell inside his chest.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, Buck. I didn't mean to scare ya. I was just so excited to see ya again."
Buck took a deep breath and pushed himself away from the glass. He slowly took two steps forward and held out his arms. The look of fear was gone. Tears fell down his cheeks and he grinned at the solemn man before him. "Come here, Kid. I've missed you."
J.D. slowly walked forward until he was wrapped in Buck's hug and his face was pressed against the big man's chest. He held on for dear life and he sobbed his relief. He never wanted to let go of his best friend ever again. He bit his lip to convince himself that this was real and not a dream. "I have missed you so much, Buck. Life was so strange without you. Are ya comin' home with us?"
Buck pushed his little brother slightly away from him and studied his face. He saw the look of wonder and hope in his brown eyes. He slowly shook his head. "No, I'm not J.D. It's gonna be a while longer. The doctors say I'm getting there but I need to get past some of the memories and nightmares. I wanted to see all of you for Christmas and Ez made all the arrangements. But I've got to go back to the hospital on Wednesday."
"Oh." J.D.'s face fell. He couldn't hide the disappointment at hearing that his brother was not coming home with them. "When are you comin' home?"
"I don't know for sure, J.D. Another month or so. Listen, Kid, when I do come back, I'm ... " He stopped. He knew what he was about to say would hurt the boy he loved like a son but he had to do what he felt would best suit him. "I'm gonna stay with Ez at his condo." Buck moved away from the young man he loved so much. He knew that the kid was going to be upset by his news but he didn't expect the look of utter disappointment he saw on J.D.'s face.
"What are you saying, Buck? I thought that was why you were at the hospital, getting' better."
"When I do come back to Denver, Kid, I need to ease back into things. Stayin' with Ez will help me do that. I'm comfortable around him." Buck turned away from J.D. and the pain he saw in the young man's big brown eyes.
"But the loft is your home, Buck! Why would you want to live with Ezra? What, is he your best friend now? Is that it? You hate me, don't you? You can't stand to be around me anymore! I knew it! I knew it would never be the same again. You can't stand the sight of me, can you? Dammit, Buck, I didn't do it! I didn't rape you! Can't you believe that! I didn't do anything to you!" J.D. grabbed Buck's arm and turned him toward himself.
Buck instantly panicked and pulled away from the shorter man. He backed away as far as he could go and turned his face to the wall. He struggled getting his breath and his hand went to his chest. Pain coursed through his chest and he sank to his knees, rocking back and forth.
J.D. also panicked. He took a step towards Buck and then, he ran to the front of the house to get help for his big brother. He couldn't believe that he had caused so much pain for the man he loved most in the world. What an idiot he had been! Ezra had told him to take it slow and easy but he had totally failed his friend. He didn't deserve Buck's forgiveness or friendship.
"How is Buck ? Is he really well enough to take all of us on like this? Did the doctors agree to this weekend, Ezra?" Chris was in shock that Buck was here, under the same roof as he and J.D.
"The doctors were surprised but pleased that he wanted to spend Christmas with us, all of us. He's come a long way, Chris, but he's still got a long way to go. I'll be taking him back to the hospital on Wednesday. He's going to be transferred to a camp of sorts, after the first of the year. It's a place out in the woods where he can be out with others that have burnt out for a better term. Not like postal workers, but other government employees like FBI agents and CIA operatives who need a little rest and counseling. Then, in a couple of months, they think he can come back to Denver and maybe start back to work shortly after that. He wants to return to the team, but he needs to get used to being around the two of you again first." Ezra finished his beer.
"That sounds good to us, Son. How is he physically?" Josiah wanted to know.
"He's gained back some of the weight he lost, and he's working out twice a day. Nothing real strenuous yet but he looks good. He's not as tan as he was but the color is back in his face and the life is back in his eyes. Well, eye. His left eye still needs one more operation so he has a bandage over it for right now to keep out the light."
"Ez, should we act any special way around him. I don't want to give him a relapse." Ezra could see Vin was worried.
"He suffers panic attacks but don't let them upset you. It will just embarrass him. He has medication for them which basically puts him to sleep. He just never knows when one will hit. Sometimes it's just a smell or a sound that sets the attack off. Just stay away from the kidnapping or the abuse he suffered. Those aren't good topics for him."
"Okay, Ez, I think we can do that. He looks good, huh?" Chris was anxious to see his old friend.
Ezra was just about to answer when J.D. came running out the front door. "Ezra, help him. He needs you, quick!" The others were stunned but Ezra just walked past J.D. and went to get Buck's medication. He moved to where Buck was rocking in the corner of the porch and pulled him into an embrace. A few minutes later, Buck stopped rocking and grabbed Ezra's shirt. Ezra told him to open his mouth and he slipped the pill in, then gave him the bottle of water he had grabbed also. When the pill was swallowed, Ezra stood, pulling Buck up with him. He lead him through the great room and into a room just off to the side. Ezra shut the door as the others looked on.
"What the hell happened, J.D.? What did you do?" Vin was very upset with J.D. It really seemed to bother Vin, seeing Buck like that after all these months.
"He told me he was going to live with Ezra and I lost it. I yelled at him. I wanted to know why when I didn't do anything to him. I love him. I wouldn't hurt him. Doesn't he know that?" J.D. slumped on the couch. He held his head in his hands.
Josiah sat beside J.D. and glared at Vin. "Leave him be, Vin. He didn't know. He didn't mean to upset him."
"That's bullshit, Josiah. He was told to go slow and easy. Does that sound like slow and easy to you? God damn J.D., he wanted to see you and you attack him 'cause he don't want to live with you right away. How stupid are you?"
Chris held up his hand and Vin stopped his tirade. "Drop it, Vin. Let's put our stuff away upstairs. Leave Ezra to handle things. He knows what is best for Buck right now and evidently, it's not us." He grabbed J.D. by the arm and pulled him up to his feet. He led J.D. back outside where they both retrieved their suitcases. They came back in and made their way up the front staircase. The other three followed suit.
Ezra tucked the quilt around Buck, who was sound asleep. He made his way out of the master bedroom and noticed that none of the others were downstairs. He climbed the back staircase and decided to try to the left. He was looking for J.D. He needed to tell J.D. that everything was going to be all right. Buck had made him promise that he would tell J.D. that the problem was with him, not the young man. It was a flashback that Buck had suffered and not anything that J.D. had done. Ezra knocked on the first door and found he had made the right choice.
"Can I talk to you for a few minutes, J.D.?" Ezra stayed put until he got J.D.'s permission to enter.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, Ezra, I'll stay in my room as much as I can. I didn't mean to upset him so much. Things that have been bothering me for months now all came pouring out at him. I don't know why. It's was stupid of me, Ezra, and I better just stay away from him so it doesn't happen again." The young man was miserable.
"First of all, J.D., it wasn't all your fault. Buck has panic attacks all the time. It's not such a big deal. It's frightening when you first see him suffering one but, you sort of get used to it. He doesn't want you to be blaming yourself although you probably went a little too far. He's sleeping now but he wants to see you again, first thing in the morning. He's not mad or upset with you like you are with yourself. Just take it easy on him next time, okay?"
"He really isn't upset with me? I said some pretty nasty things to him."
"Like what, J.D.?"
"I said that he wanted you for his best friend now. That he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him that I didn't rape him and I asked why he couldn't understand that. I was wrong, I know that, but when he said he was going to live with you when he got back, something in me just snapped." J.D. kicked at the carpet and then he added, "The truth is, I'm jealous of you, Ezra. No, more than jealous. I'm pissed as hell that he turned to you and left me on my own. I know the reasons why, but it doesn't seem to make me feel better. It should have been me taking care of him, not you! And now, he doesn't even want to come back to his home because I'm there. He wants you to comfort him, not me. He needs you. He just hides in terror from me. Sometimes, I really hate you, Ezra. I feel like you took him away from me." J.D. turned his back on the con man and shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the destructive thoughts that had been swirling through his mind for months now.
Ezra walked up behind him and put his hands on his shoulders. He rubbed them for a few minutes, letting the young, innocent man gain control over his emotions. He felt sorry for the lad who had lost his best friend through no fault of his own.
Softly he said, "J.D., I don't blame you. You didn't do anything and yet, you lost the one person who meant more to you than almost any other. Just try to remember, he didn't do anything either. He was tortured, J.D., in the most heinous way possible. Beddlington took twelve years to come up with the perfect way to do the most damage to both Buck and Chris. You, unfortunately, were an innocent pawn in the process. He saw how important you were to Buck and he decided to use Buck's love for you like he did with Chris's feelings for Buck. He knew Buck loved women and trusted them and he used that first to betray him. Then he used the most extreme pain he could find to break Buck down. Finally, he raped him and took away not only his dignity and manhood, but the people he loved most in the world. Stop and think about that. Just try to imagine what Buck suffered and is still suffering. Yes, he turned to me but that was just out of a need to find something to cling to. I was like a piece of wood he could float on for awhile. When he is whole again, and he'll get there eventually, you and he will be best buddies again. I'm sure of it, J.D. Just, please, be patient with him. And forget about me. I'm just a life raft that he'll discard when he reaches shore."
For several long minutes, there was complete silence. Finally, J.D. turned and faced the Southerner. "No, Ezra, you'll always be special to him. That's the way he is. There's a special place in his heart for you now. A place that no one else can touch. You two shared a horrific week, no, more like months, together, and he won't ever forget that. I may be his best buddy again but you, you'll be his saint. He loves you Ezra. He'll always love you. Don't ever forget that."
Ezra blinked back the tears that crept into his eyes. "I needed that, my young friend. Thank you. I hope what you say is true because I have come to care very much for the big lug. In the future, I may need to borrow him from you every once in a while. That is if you don't mind."
"When I get him back, I'll be more than happy to share him with you. I'm sorry I laid all that on you. You saved his life and I should be grateful, not bitter and jealous."
"We are human, not robots, even if some of us try to act like that sometimes, my young friend. We have emotions, both good and bad, and we shouldn't try to hide or discard them. I'm glad you got that out in the open, J.D. Now, let's get on with taking care of our friend."
J.D. stuck out his hand and the two men shook on it.
Chris came down the back stairs and looked around the great room. They had all come down for awhile last night and Ezra had filled them in on Buck's plans for the next few months. They had a few beers, talked about the mansion, and Ezra even let his guard down long enough to tell them some of the stories of his times at the "log cabin". They had all retired early. This morning, Chris had gotten up before anyone else and had made himself some breakfast. Then he had returned upstairs and worked on some case files he had brought with him. Chris had really not noticed what a nice, comfortable room this was last night. He loved the mammoth fireplace with the stones going up to the ceiling which was even with the second floor. Windows ten foot up let in the sunshine and although it was cold outside, it was warm inside. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and then he set about exploring the house. The last room he came to, was the one off the great room that he had seen Ezra take Buck into last night. Evidently it was the master bedroom. Just as he got to the door, Ezra opened it and came out to the great room, joining Chris.
"Where is everyone this morning?" Chris sat down in one of the overstuffed maroon chairs. He made himself comfortable.
Ezra sat down opposite of Chris in the other maroon chair. "Well, let's see. Technically, it is afternoon. Mr. Dunne and Mr. Tanner went hiking in the forest. Mr. Sanchez and Mr. Jackson went into Greenville to obtain a Christmas tree and the trimmings. I believe they also mentioned getting the ingredients for Mr. Sanchez's chili, which he plans to make tomorrow night. Tonight, the menu includes New York strip steaks and baked potatoes. I believe I also spotted a chocolate cake in the pantry. Mr. Tanner has volunteered to bar-be-que the steaks right out on the porch. We didn't enjoy your company at breakfast, Mr. Larabee. May I inquire as to the reason for your absence?"
"I got up early and ate then. I had some work to do on the Rolfing case. How was J.D. this morning? Did he see Buck again?"
Ezra studied his boss and friend. It amazed the Southerner sometimes that he thought of Chris that way. These six men, in the two years he had known them, had come to mean more to him than anyone else in his life, his mother included. And now, Buck was even more than that. Buck was the first person who had ever needed him. Other people had relied on him for work or a con, but no one had ever needed him to be there for them. He was the one that Buck depended on to be there when he had a nightmare or when he had a panic attack. It felt good to be "the one" for a change. He knew that when Buck got stronger that he would once again turn to J.D. and Chris and, he had to admit to himself, that made him a little sad. He was very happy though to have gotten all of them together for Christmas. Christmas, a time for family and loved ones. He had never had a good Christmas when he was growing up. The one he had spent right here with Maude and Chester had been the closest thing to a real Christmas he had ever had. Now, along with these six men, he was going to have the real Christmas he always dreamed of.
"Are you avoiding Mr. Wilmington?" Ezra decided he didn't have time to waste on chit chat right now.
Chris shifted in his chair and then stood and started pacing. Finally, he stopped in front of Ezra and said, "I don't want to see that fear in his face when he looks at me. I don't want to send him into one of those attacks like happened when he saw J.D. last night. I'm afraid I'll hurt him again." The last sentence was barely a whisper.
"You never hurt him in the first place. He wouldn't be here if he was afraid of you, Chris. He wants all of us to be together for Christmas. That man has so much love in him, he is willing to suffer the attacks just to have all of you around him. Hell, Chris, I've sent him into a panic attack just talking to him on the phone. I told you they happen all the time. He can deal with them. The question is, can you?"
Chris was taken aback. When had this Ezra emerged? All of a sudden, the man who held himself at arm's length from all of them, had become the center piece of their family table. It was truly a miracle.
Chris nodded and then looked the conman directly in the eye. "Yeah. I'm sorry Ezra. You're right. I still don't feel comfortable but I won't hide from him anymore. We do need to be together right now." Chris smiled at his friend and sat himself back down. "Hey, Ezra, when did you talk to him on the phone and get this all set up?"
Ezra flinched at the question. He had never told any of them that he talked to Buck almost every night on the phone. The only nights he missed were when he was on assignment and even then, if he possibly could arrange it, he would call his friend. "Uh, I guess I have to confess that Mr. Wilmington and I have been in cross country contact with one another on a daily basis since my return to the mile high city. The doctors didn't think it was a good idea at first, but Buck had a relapse when they stopped our nightly visits, so they allowed us to continue our telephonic correspondence. I talk to his doctors about once a week to get their take on his progress. In fact, they are the ones who brought up Buck's Christmas idea. He was hesitant to bring it to my attention for fear that you or J.D. would say no. He's not ready to return to Denver yet, the suffering is too fresh, the wounds still too raw. But he wanted to be with ALL of us for this extremely important holiday. So I contacted Chester and talked him into letting us have this place for our reunion. He was more than happy for us to use his get away house. His currant wife doesn't much care for the country life. He only uses this place for weekend poker games with his friends."
"You talked to him daily and you never told any of us how he was doing?" Chris glared for a moment and then he started to laugh. "You are amazing, Mr. Standish, truly amazing."
Everyone had returned and all seven men were ensconced in the great room, setting up the twelve foot tall Christmas tree that Josiah and Nathan had found after a rigorous search of Greenville and the surrounding area. They had bought enough lights and tinsel and ornaments to fill the tree. J.D. and Vin had returned with pine cones and pine boughs and they were tying them together to decorate the staircases. Ezra had made some hot toddies and egg nog loaded with rum. They were all laughing and having a good time, even Buck, who was sitting on the couch supervising the whole process. Ezra handed him a cup of hot tea and winked at him, mouthing the words, "No alcohol for you." Buck merely smiled and accepted his mug. Chris had spoken to Buck but hadn't gotten within ten feet of him. Ezra shook his head but could see that Chris was trying to get over his fear, as was Buck. At times, J.D. almost felt as free and as happy as he did last Christmas when they had all gathered at Chris's ranch for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. They had all gone horse back riding on Christmas afternoon and had ended up by the lake high up in the mountains. It was a favorite spot for all of them and, boys will be boys, they had a snowball fight. It was a terrific memory for all of them and when J.D. reminded them of that day, they all smiled happily.
The tree was beautiful and the whole house smelled of evergreen and outdoors. Vin cooked the steaks out on the grill on the enclosed porch and Josiah cooked the rest of the dinner. They had the chocolate cake and then they all settled down to play poker in the card room. It was Ezra's forte but they decided to play for match sticks instead of money. Six of them would play at a time, with one of them helping Buck, as he still had a little trouble seeing the cards. Of course, the man helping him would often cheat and the others would end up throwing things at the helper to make him sit still and stop looking at everybody else's cards. Ezra noticed that Chris was never the one to help Buck. In fact, he sat as far away as he could from his old friend. He also noticed that Chris would study Buck's face for signs of fear or panic about every five minutes. J.D., however, seemed very relaxed with Buck, and the two of them were having a good time with Vin joining in on the jokes and cheating. Josiah and Nathan were loose and having a good time. It was only Chris, who was quiet and ever on guard. Ezra sighed to himself. At least Chris was joining in with them, not staying in his room, avoiding his old friend.
Buck was holding three of a kind but when it was his turn to bet, he remained silent. Ezra quickly turned his attention to the scoundrel. He noticed that Buck was slumping to the right. J.D. poked him in the ribs. "You want two cards, Buck. And up the bet three."
Ezra noticed Buck's eye that wasn't covered with a bandage was barely open. He threw his hand in and got up from his chair. "I'm out for the next few hands, gentlemen. Mr. Dunne, why don't you finish the hand that Buck was dealt." He leaned over Buck and whispered, "Let's get you to bed."
Buck nodded as he wearily pulled himself up and onto his feet. Ezra took his elbow and together, they left the room to a chorus of "Good night, Buck." Ezra returned about ten minutes later and the rest of them played for money until 1:30 in the morning. It had been a long day for all of them and with a lot of laughter and jibes at each other, they called it a night. Chris noticed that Ezra slept in Buck's room. He hadn't noticed that last night. He was glad that the Southerner was taking such good care of Buck. They had gotten very close in the past four months, Chris could tell, and he studied J.D. to see the young man's reaction to that fact. Knowing J.D. like he did, he knew the lad would be jealous of Ezra's intimacy with his big brother. Chris was proud of Ezra and glad that Buck had somebody to turn to. Buck had been relaxed most of the afternoon, right into the evening. Three or four times, Chris had seen a touch of panic in his old friend but Ezra had been right there to put a reassuring hand on his arm or shoulder and that had seemed to ease the older man's mind. It had been a good day for all of them. Chris followed Vin into the room they shared.
Chris made his way down the dark staircase. He had not been able to fall asleep and he thought maybe a shot of whiskey would help. He was thinking of Buck, how far he had come and how far he had yet to go. The great room was dimly lit with the glowing embers of the fireplace and he didn't turn on a light. As he made his way quietly across the carpet, he heard a noise that sounded like a heavy sigh. He turned and made his way to the couch that sat in front of the fireplace. There, on the floor, sat Buck. He had on a sweatshirt and sweat pants but he seemed to be shivering. He was staring at the glowing embers.
"Hey Buck. I just came down for something to help me sleep. I'll get out of your way in a minute." Chris turned back to go into the kitchen.
"Why don't you stay and talk for a minute." The voice was very tentative.
Chris stopped in his tracks. It was the moment he had been dreading. "All right if that's what you want. Are you cold?" Chris came back around to Buck's side of the couch.
"I'm always cold these days. Can't seem to ever warm up. The doctors say it has something to do with the poison or antidote." He shivered again.
Chris quickly moved to put some logs in the fireplace and he got the fire roaring in just a few minutes. He found an afghan on the back of one of the chairs and wrapped it around Buck's shoulders. The big man seemed to relax and he smiled up at Chris. "Thanks."
"No problem. How come you're up? Your mother hen won't be happy with you sneaking off during the night." Chris sat down on the couch.
"Had a nightmare. I didn't wanna wake Ez, up so I came out here. The embers were comforting. How 'bout you? Why you up at this time of night?"
"Just a lot of stuff runnin' through my mind, I guess. You look good, Buck. Ezra says you're workin' out some. Wish I could find the time to work out. We've been real busy. The bad guys just seem to keep comin' at us."
Buck pushed himself up on the couch and wrapped the afghan tighter around his body. "You're a man short. It doesn't help, does it?"
"We manage. We're waitin' for the right guy to come along." He smiled at Buck.
Buck looked almost sad as he said, "I wanna come back, Chris, I really do, but I've got to get over these damn panic attacks first. It wouldn't be a good thing for me to have one of these in the middle of a raid now, would it?" Buck tried to smile back at his old friend.
"No, I guess not. I've missed you out in the bullpen. It's been awful quiet. I haven't seen one paper wad or even heard an argument since you've been away. I've found out a few things since you've been gone, Pard."
"Like what?"
"Well, for one, you're the heart of our team. Without you, we just kinda go through the motions. And, I discovered that there's a big hole in my life when you're not there. I know you think that Vin's my best friend now. That he replaced you in my life. And I guess that it's true in one sense. But he can never be what you are to me. He can never replace the man that saved my life. He can never know all the good times that you, me, Sarah and Adam enjoyed so much. You know more about me than anybody else in the world and I have to admit that sometimes, that fact scares me. You are my history, Pard, both ancient and modern. Only you can be that part of my life, Buck. With you, I can share all the good old times and the bad ones too. Nobody knows me like you do and nobody cares for me like you do. I had hoped that some day, we could maybe be family again?" Chris looked at Buck hopefully.
"Yeah, I'd like that. Brothers. Just like always." Buck graced his friend with a Wilmington smile. "Ya wanna know something? I picked up the phone a few times during the past month, was gonna call ya just to talk, but ... " He stopped and studied the afghan for awhile. The smile faded quickly, to be replaced with a tremble and a tear-filled eye. "It's so hard, Chris. He drove the wedge way down deep and it's gonna take a while longer to heal completely. I know you didn't do anything, that's not really what's stopping me. But I was ... Oh God, Chris, the bastard raped me and that's not something I'll ever get over entirely. Besides all the pain, ya know what that did to me?" He looked up at Chris and gulped for air. Chris shook his head, afraid to say anything right now. "That son of a bitch took away me, Pard. I don't know what I'll be when I get out of the hospital. I feel like a stranger to myself. Nothing that I used to do makes sense anymore. The laughing, the joking, the womanizing, none of it feels right. I feel completely cold inside. There are times I still feel the pain. I sometimes panic just because the sun starts getting' low in the sky. I think, It's time for him to come give me a shot. I see a pretty woman and I find myself wondering if she will deceive me too. I have nightmares about that night, about the ... " He was crying and Chris edged himself closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Buck leaned into his oldest friend and whispered, "I don't trust anyone. Every stranger scares the hell out of me. If I didn't have Ez, I don't know what I'd do."
"I'm glad he was there for ya." With great trepidation, Chris asked the question he had wanted answered since they arrived to find Buck was at the mansion. "Do you think you could trust me again, Buck?"
The hesitation spoke volumes. Chris removed his arm and inched away from the man he had known for fifteen years. He lowered his head and it rested in his hands.
The tears fell heavily down Buck's face but he turned his head to look at the man who had been through hell with him. "Why, Chris? Why did you have to ask that? Since when did you become a stranger?"
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Buck. You may not remember the hospital emergency room but I do. I saw the terror in your eyes, the abject fear of me. I don't blame you at all for being scared of me. What happened to you ... I don't know how we can get passed that."
"Ya got hurt too, didn't ya, Chris? I never really thought about it before. I'm sorry. He was after both of us and I made it easy for him with my tom cattin' ways. I'm so sorry, Chris. God, if I wasn't such a bastard he wouldn't have been able to get to us." Great sobs racked his body.
Anger immediately flared in Larabee's eye, the months of resentment aimed at Beddlington resurfacing. He snapped back at Buck. "Dammit, Buck, none of this whole mess was your fault. Yeah, Beddlington hurt both of us but you paid the highest price. If he hadn't used the James woman, he would have thought of something else. She wanted revenge as much as that bastard did, and you happen to be a ladies man." He drew a breath to calm himself. It dawned on him that his anger was the last thing that Buck needed and he fought with himself to squelch it. When he continued, his voice was barely above a whisper. "So what? You like the ladies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, Pard. Don't you ever blame yourself for any of this, or I'll knock the shit out of you, you got me?"
Buck became absolutely quiet. He wiped his face with his sleeve and sniffed away the unshed tears. Several minutes went by, the silence deafening to Chris. He was just about to get up and get Ezra when Buck turned toward him. In a small voice, he whispered. "I don't want to be scared anymore. But he damaged me so bad ... I don't think I can get back. I can't get it out of my mind, Chris."
Chris immediately fell to his knees in front of his old friend. Grabbing his upper arms without thinking, he implored, "Don't think about that now. Try to concentrate on all of us being together for Christmas. It doesn't do any good to relive that week, buddy. Just let it go. I know that's easy for me to say and near impossible for you to do but, you have to, or else we'll all just fade away." Chris gathered his courage. It was time Buck knew how he felt. "Hey Buck, I know one thing you'll be when you get back home."
Buck took a deep breath and looked at Chris. Tremulously he asked, "What's that?"
"Someone all six of us love and respect. Someone all six of us would do anything in the world for. We all love ya, Buck. I love ya. I should have told ya that a long time ago. I wanted to tell you that when I invited you out to my place that Sunday. I wanted to tell you how important you are in my life. I've treated ya like dirt for a long time and I regret all of it. Hell, most of the time, I have no idea why I treat ya like I do. I'm usually ashamed of myself after but, by then, it's too late. I guess I just know, deep inside, that you aren't gonna go anywhere no matter how bad I treat ya, so I take all my frustrations out on you. I don't know that about the others. If I treated J.D. or Ezra or, hell, even Vin, like I did you right after Sarah died, they'd be gone. I have no doubt about it. But you, my friend, you stayed and you're still with me, putting up with all my shit. I can't even begin to understand why, but I never doubted that come tomorrow, you would still be by my side. That's why these past four months have been a nightmare for me. I don't know if you're gonna be by my side anymore. I know that I want you there, Pard, but I don't know if you wanna be there."
"Oh God, Chris, you know I do. There is nowhere else I'd rather be. Don't you know that? You're blood kin as far as I'm concerned. Nothin' could ever change that. Things happen in a person's life that have a lastin' impression on ya, but my being there for you, at least wantin' to be there for you, well, that's a constant. Ya know, I only took J.D. on because you didn't need me anymore. You were ready to stand on your own two feet again. You had Vin to turn to if things got shaky and J.D., well, he's such a trouble magnet, Chris. He needed someone to watch over him. I doubt I'll ever stop frettin' over that boy. I guess that's just what I'm good at."
"Yeah, you're the best at that, Pard. Ya sure saved my raggedy ass and you're doin' a fine job with the kid, even if he don't know it yet." Chris smiled wistfully. He released Buck's arms and sat back on the floor in front of the sofa.
Buck grinned at his old friend. "Ya know, it's funny. Now, I'm the one with a mother hen, someone watching over me for a change. Never had that before, at least since Ma died. It's like having a buoy driftin' right beside ya. When ya start to sink, all ya have ta do is grab ahold. Ez has been there for me, through this whole thing, and I don't ever want him to forget how much I owe him. I love him a lot for all he did."
Buck looked Chris right in the eyes and drew a deep breath. "You, though, you have been my family for so long. You took me in when I was just a lost kid, not knowin' crap about anything. I'm so grateful that ya did, Chris. And then, Sarah took me in, too, and let me keep bein' part of a family. She was somethin' special, the big sister I never had. And Adam, well, I loved that little boy of yours like he was my own. The first time he called me 'Uncle Buck ' I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Remember that day?" The battered soul hesitated for a second. "When they died, Chris, I held on to you because I had to. I would have drifted away and sank to the bottom if I hadn't had you to hold onto. The fact that you were drowning too, didn't matter. You were still there and I still needed you in my life. So ya see, you and your depression saved me. I had to save my brother, didn't I? You won't loose me, Pard. When I find me, well, I'll be there when ya need me. You can count on that."
Chris smiled at that. Buck had no idea how much he still needed him beside him. He had no idea how much Chris relied on him to this very day. Chris knew that Buck had moved over, giving his spot at Chris's right hand to Vin and maybe that is the way Chris wanted it. But no matter what had transpired between the two men, Buck and he were still brothers and Chris would always want him on the other side. "Okay, I will. I'll count on it like I always have. You need anything? I'm goin' up to bed and try to sleep now." Chris stood and was about to go. He was never very good with emotions except when Sarah was involved. He loved Buck but he had never been able to tell him before this night. He had been there when he was injured or sick. He had been there when it counted but saying the words, that was tough for him to do. Tonight's conversation had taken a lot out of him and he was a little embarrassed by the whole confession.
"Chris, before ya go, I just wanna let ya know that I was lookin' forward to that Sunday." Buck looked up at him with his one eye. Chris could see tears shimmering in it.
"I was too. It would have been a great day."
"What were we gonna do that day?" Obviously, the big man wasn't ready to be alone.
Chris, bewildered by the question, just gazed at his oldest and dearest friend. After a moments hesitation, he grinned and said, "Well, if you had gotten there early enough, we would have taken the horses and ridden up to the lake."
"Ya weren't gonna feed me breakfast first?"
Chris sat back down in the corner of the couch. He was amazed when Buck laid down, placing his head on Chris's thigh. Chris tentatively put his left arm around Buck's shoulders and with his right hand, he stroked Buck's hair. "Okay, Pard, what did ya want? Pancakes or waffles? "
"Pancakes. And bacon." Buck shut his eyes.
"Okay, we might as well have eggs, then, too. Then, when everything was cleaned up, we would have gone riding. That big gray mare of yours misses you, by the way. Anyway, we would have stopped by the lake and maybe skipped stones while we talked about our lives together. I guess we would have said a lot of what we said tonight." Chris stopped and looked down at the big man on the couch with him.
"When I get back, can we have that Sunday?" Buck yawned as he asked the question.
"We can have lots of 'em, Pard. All you want." Chris stroked the black hair again and heard a slight snore. He smiled and put his head back against the couch. Within minutes, he, too, was asleep.
Ezra awoke and realized that Buck was not in the bed beside him. For the past few nights, Ezra had been sleeping in a recliner that sat against the wall in the master bedroom. He would fall asleep watching the big man's chest rise and fall with each breath. He still found himself checking to make sure that Buck was all right. Awaking to find him gone, Ezra immediately got up to go find him. He didn't want his friend to get cold or sick from being somewhere he shouldn't be, like huddled in a corner. He searched the bedroom and the attached bath. He started to panic a little and when he opened the door of the bedroom, he expected the worst. What he found gave him the best Christmas present he had ever received. On the couch, in front of a dying fire, the two men slept. Buck's head rested on Chris's thigh and Chris's arm was wrapped protectively around his old friend. The two old buddies were together once more. Buck seemed at peace for the first time in months. Ezra had a big grin plastered on his face as he turned to walk back in the bedroom. As he turned, he saw the men sitting on the stairs. J.D. and Vin were smiling too. They all nodded to each other, no words were needed. J.D. got up and climbed the stairs. Vin walked over to the couch and placed the afghan over the two brothers and then, he saluted Ezra and went up the stairs too. Ezra returned to the master bedroom and laid down in the king size bed. He fell sound asleep for the first time in months.
The End
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Epilogue
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