Disclaimer: All the characters from the "Magnificent Seven" T.V. series are property of Trilogy Entertainment, The Mirisch Group, MGM Worldwide.
Chris Larabee could not sleep.
He did not know whether or not it was because of the telegram he had been forced to send this morning informing the army that there was the possibility the Indians in the Territory were about to riot or that their reaction would surely engender an extreme response. Either way, he could not sleep no matter how hard he tried. He wondered if any of the seven could manage that after hearing that the Citadel was involve in the situation brewing with the Indians. In retrospect, Chris should have expected this of Hannibal Julius because the scale of destruction had all the earmarks of Julius' vanity. Once realizing that it was Julius behind this even though he had little proof only a strong hunch, the reason why the man called himself the Eagle became apparent. In ancient times, Rome was often referred to as the Eagle and someone who thought himself to be an incarnation of Julius Caesar would no difficulty adopting the appellation for himself.
When he had told the others, they seemed to agree, especially Josiah who knew of the classical reference. Nathan, Buck, JD and Vin had conceded the scope of the operation and the resources were definitely within the capability of the Citadel to provide while Ezra whom Chris thought would have the most to offer since he was once sent to spy on Julius, said little. Then again, Ezra was not exactly himself these days. Chris wondered what was going on with the man and tried not to think too hard on that question since it was clear Ezra wanted no intrusion on his business. Chris who was intensely private himself could appreciate Ezra's need for privacy. Besides, Chris often found that Ezra preferred to solve his personal problems on his own and rarely confided in others unless necessary.
As was his habit when he was visited with a bout of insomnia, Chris decided that he would leave his warm bed and his wife and take himself out of the house to the saloon so that his inability to sleep would not wake Mary up as well. She had too much to do all day for him to be interrupting her slumber, what with running a paper, raising two boy and keeping house. Sometimes, he marveled at what she managed to squeeze into her day and wondered how it was women could manage all that when he had trouble finding his socks. Leaving the warmth of their bed, Chris woke up with the intention of finding any saloon that was still open at this time of night. Mary was accustomed to his departures in the dead of night, aware that he was a man who sometimes needed his solitude and part of the reason he loved her so much was that she never tried to get in the way of that need.
Chris got dressed quietly and stepped out of the house he shared with Mary and his two sons. As he emerged into the night air, he felt the customary nip of cold at his skin and shrugged it off, reminding himself that he would be plenty warm once he got himself a drink. The Standish Tavern was still open at this time of night even though the bulk of its patrons would have retired for the evening or passed out underneath the tables. Chris did not care. He would appreciate the silence anyway. Walking down the boardwalk, he soon came to the saloon. The light from inside its walls peered through the batwing doors and beckoned invitingly to passersbys.
When he entered the doors, he expected to see the place empty with Rain or one of the after hours bar tenders Inez had employed tending the counter for any patrons still left standing. He rather expected that the saloon would be near closing for the night and hoped that he could at least get a shot of whiskey before that happened. However, when he stepped into the amber light of the establishment, he found that there was at least one patron left in the Standish Tavern and he was helping himself without any help from the bartender, who had already left for the evening.
Ezra was seated at their usual table, working his way quite effectively through a bottle of whiskey as he played an unsteady game of solitaire. It appeared as if he had been there for quite some time for his burgundy coat was hanging from the edge of his chair along with his hat. When Chris walked into the room, he raised his eyes to the gunslingers and flashed a smile before raising his glass towards Chris in a mixture of salutation and a toast.
"Mr Larabee," Ezra declared, his words slurred. "How nice to see you. Join me?"
Chris stared at Ezra for a moment, feeling cautious even though he did not know why. "Sure," Chris nodded and made a brief detour to the bar in order to find a clean glass before arriving at the table a short time later.
"Just finished up one of your late night games?" Chris asked as he poured himself a drink from Ezra's half-empty bottle.
"No, not at all." Ezra remarked topping up his own glass. "I'm just here for a little midnight drink."
"It way past midnight Ezra," Chris pointed out. "And I think you've had more than a drink."
"Oh come now," Ezra stared at him reproachfully. "You are the last person to lecture me on the vices of multiple shots of whiskey, not when you were such an adept practitioner in your bachelor days."
Chris stiffed a little, reminding himself not to take offence at the remark because Ezra was pretty drunk. However, why the man was in such a state of inebriation was a matter of concern to Chris who knew how to recognise trouble when he saw it. He had seen Ezra drink before and there had been more than one occasion when both men had been so intoxicated that they could barely stand but this was not like those fond moments. There was none of the laughter and the foolishness that came with indulging in one drink too many. There was more to this than some need to imbibe excessively for Chris had never seen Ezra drink like this. No sooner than he drained his glass, did he fill it to the brim once more and down its contents just as swiftly. Chris who knew all about what it felt like to drown oneself in liquor in order to forget, recognised the overt signs he was seeing in Ezra.
"So what are we drinking to?" Chris asked as he watched Ezra fill his glass again with growing concern.
"Whatever you like," Ezra declared. "What time is it now? We could drink to that." He laughed but there was no humor in it. In fact, his chuckle seemed cold and devoid of feeling, like the rest of him.
It was more than just the usual facade of indifference he wore around himself to mask his true emotions from others, Chris decided. At least when he did that, the rest of the seven knew that there was something to hide but now it appeared as if there was nothing behind the facade. All those doubts that lingered in his mind since Ezra return to town following his abduction resurfaced in full force. His reaction to Julia, the look in his eyes, all of it started playing on Chris' consciousness, daring him to defy the puzzle that were all pieces to.
"Fine with me," Chris said quietly and took a sip of his own glass, his eyes watching Ezra closely.
Ezra's eyes seemed to drift as they drank quietly for a moment and he caught Chris studying him. "I wish you would not to do that."
"Do what?" Chris asked, perfectly aware that the gambler had noticed his scrutiny. "I'm just making sure you don't fall off your chair and crack your head open. Not that you'd feel it anyway."
"Well thank you," Ezra retorted in exaggerated feeling "You do know how to keep an eye on us don't you, except where its really needed." He muttered into his glass before tipping the contents down his throat.
"What's that supposed to mean Ezra?" Chris asked once more, surprising himself by how well he was taking Ezra's drunken taunts but the truth was, in the state Ezra was presently in, his manner was of more concern to the gunslinger than his words. Something was terribly wrong with the man because in the three years Chris had known him; he had never seen Ezra like this.
"Nothing," Ezra retorted sharply as if he had forgotten himself and was angry for his words. "I think its time for another drink." He started to lean over for the bottle when Chris' hand reached out and locked his fingers around Ezra's wrist.
"I think maybe you have had enough." Chris held the southerner's hand in his grip and refused to allow Ezra to reach the bottle.
"I think you should release me immediately." Ezra warned. His voice became icy, with no traces of the slur that was prevalent in his speech a second ago.
"Or what Ezra?" Chris met his eyes directly, challenging him to answer.
For a moment, both men stared at each other and there came an instant when Chris realised that he had no idea what Ezra was going to do because he was looking into the eyes of a stranger. Unconsciously, he shifted into the mindset he wore whenever an enemy was near, his hand sliding towards his peacemaker. Would Ezra draw? Chris honestly did not know and they both stood there for an eternity of time waiting for each other to act.
Ezra's derringer clicked out of his sleeve and Chris completed the journey to his peacemaker as both men drew on each other. Time seemed to freeze as Chris stared down the barrel of the tiny gun wondering whether or not Ezra would really pull the trigger and more importantly how he had found himself in this situation in the first place, with his gun aimed at one of his best friends. Ezra on the other hand seemed to have no difficulties with the quandary he was facing. He merely stared at Chris with the same indifference that he had been displaying since his ordeal.
"Is that how its going to be Ezra?" Chris asked coolly, aware that Ezra was running on something and it wasn't just liquor. "You gonna shoot me for that drink?"
Ezra blinked as if a veil had been lifted from his eyes at that statement. "Of course not."
The facade dropped for an instant and Chris was allowed to see the wave of shame that followed its descent. Ezra closed his eyes and lowered the gun in his hand. "I think you are right," he said softly. "I think I might have had enough for tonight."
Chris holstered his own weapon and stared at Ezra hard, a part of him still wrapped in disbelief over what had happened. "Ezra, what's happened?"
"Nothing that I care to talk about." Ezra retorted as he slipped the derringer into place and turned towards his coat and hat. "I shall be fine Mr Larabee, I just need to sleep it off."
Whatever was plaguing Ezra was not going to be discarded by a simple night's slumber. Whatever was wrong with the southerner required more than that to remedy it and for Chris, the imperative to find out the truth was had suddenly become vital. He had seen the place that Ezra was presently occupying and knew from experience that one did not get there without something terrible taking place to help them along. Chris had resided in that limbo world of darkness for years following Sarah and Adam's death, with only Buck's faint voice in the distance, reminding him that there was a world outside. Until Four Corners, Chris had been ready to die there and right now, it looked as if Ezra was making that same decision unless someone reached him. There was no way to do that unless Chris could understand what terrible thing had prompted his journey to that dark place and he had a feeling Ezra was not going to tell him.
Ezra started to walk out of the saloon once he had composed himself. Chris could only stare after him, his mind unable to shake the belief that he was looking at a man who was preparing himself to die.
Ezra Standish was avoiding her.
Why this was so, she did not understand but its fact was undeniable. When she attempted to see him at his room at the Mrs Satler's lodging house, her requests for entry was refused through a lock door. He would not even send her away face to face. This went on for two days until Julia was so distraught she had no idea what to do about it. She hated talking about their relationship to anyone else because Ezra was fiercely private and would not appreciate her appealing to his friends for help but she was at a loss at how else to reach him. Less than a week ago, he had spoken to her about marriage and now he had trouble even opening the door to her. With certainty she knew that whatever had happened to him stemmed from his being taken prisoner by those men he had been forced to escape from but nothing he had told her about that encounter justified his behavior.
Julia recalled how he had reacted to the others and how he had reacted to her and knew that whatever it was that was wrong with him, his hostility seemed focussed on her most of all. She could not forget how he had behaved when she had kissed him. For a moment, it almost felt as if he was repulsed by her touch and yet she knew that to be impossible. How many hours had they spent during their nights together, explorers sensuously charting each other's skin, finding pleasure in every touch? Why did he disgust her so much now? She wondered insanely if Diana Belladonna did not somehow influence him. Had he made love to the beautiful chanteuse only to discover his relationship with Julia to be an inconvenience? That was a possibility that Julia could not endure but nonetheless it could be the truth. Unfortunately, everything she feared was only speculation because she could not even see him face to face to find out for sure.
Julia knew she had to talk to him privately and the manner in which he was behaving towards her lately, indicated that he would not allow her that audience if she simply requested it. In desperation, she used the key he had given her to his room at the lodging house and slipped inside, hoping that when he returned, they could finally discuss what was happening to the relationship and why he was pushing her away. As anticipated he was not there when she arrived and as the hours passed, Julia started to wonder whether or not this was such a good idea in the first place. Finally, after what seemed forever, she dozed off on his bed, the scent of him lulling her to sleep.
She had no idea how much time had passed before the sound of a key opening the lock to the door awoke her from her slumber. Wakefulness filled her bleary eyes as she sat up on the rumpled quilt cover of his bed and saw Ezra entering the room. The southerner paused upon seeing her and the look in his eyes was one of irritation, rather than any pleasure at see her. He let out a heavy sigh as she was some unpleasant chore to be dealt with and Julia's heart could have broken from that reaction alone but reminded herself that this was never meant to be easy. Something had happened to him, something that he could not tell her and was doing his damnedest to keep her from learning if the hostility in his manner was any indication. No matter how nasty he became, Julia braced herself for it. She was here to get answers and she was not leaving until she had them.
"What are you doing here?" Ezra asked after he had collected himself from the surprise of seeing her in his room. He did not wait for her answer as he turned around and shut the door behind him even though he was resolved that she was not staying any longer than necessary.
Julia brushed her hair into place and tried not to be affected by the annoyed tone of his voice. She straightened her dress as she stood up from his bed, wanting to state her case looking him in the eyes. "I wanted to see you and since you've been indisposed every time I call on you, I guessed this would be the only way to accomplish that."
"Julia it is late," Ezra declared impatiently as he removed his jacket and turned to the claw hook awaiting it on the wall. "Can we not discuss this tomorrow?"
"So you can spend the whole day avoiding me again?" Julia accused as she walked towards him, determined that he was not going to brush her off like some inconvenience. "I'm sorry, I don't think that's acceptable. I want to talk about this now. You're acting like I am some kind of stranger and we're more than Ezra."
"Perhaps you over estimate our relationship." He returned snidely. "We are lovers."
"We are more than that." Julia stated firmly, aware of what he was doing and not about to let his cruel words send her running from the room like a frightened child. She knew precisely what she meant to Ezra Standish and whatever had caused him to become this stranger would not ever change that fact for Julia Pemberton. "You know it and I know it. So let's put aside this charade of indifference and talk about what's happening to you."
"I have no wish to discuss anything" He spoke smoothly.
However even while he was hanging up his coat and his hat on, Julia could see the tension in his muscles and the hands that were threatening to turn into fists with each word escaping her lips. She should have been cautious because the rage building inside of him was apparent but she could not pull back. Now more than ever, Julia was convinced that Ezra was suffering something a great deal more serious than the after effects of a kidnapping and though she could not imagine what that could be, she was not about to slink away and let him face it all on his own. No matter how hard it became, she was not going to let him chase her away.
"I'd like you to leave." Ezra growled as he remained with his back facing her because looking into those emerald colored eyes was simply too hard. If he allowed himself to be swayed by the promise of her good intentions, he would break and he could not afford to. There was no disillusion that could ever make him believe that she would react to what Julius had done to him with anything but utter contempt. How could she be any different? No, he would tell her nothing. He would rather she hate him than have that.
"Ezra, please," Julia came towards him, unable to believe that they were addressing each other like this. She could still remember what it was like making love to him less than a week ago, where they had conspired happy dreams after deciding to bind themselves to each other. How could things change so fast? "Let me in," she pleaded. "Tell me what's happening to you baby." She grabbed his shoulder and made her face him.
Ezra pulled himself away from her as if scalded. "Its time for you to leave." He retorted, clearly shaken by her attempt to make physical contact with him. He had to take a deep breath and steady himself inwardly before he could look at her again. His composure was shattered just thinking of her hands against his skin, touching him and wanting him like Julius had wanted him. How could he ever stand a woman touching him like that when he could only remember how it had been when a man had done it?
"Go home." He said unkindly.
Ezra wished she would just go away. Why did she have to prolong this? He did not want her anywhere near him. When he looked at her, it was just a reaffirmation of how much Julius had taken from him. Did she have to keep persisting in her demand to know what was wrong? Ezra could not bear the thought of Julia knowing, of seeing the disgust in her eyes when she realised that he had been bent over on his hands and knees and taken like some whore! Isn't that what Julius had called him?
And how was the man wrong?
Ezra had been so terrified of Julius giving him to the rest of his men that he had remained in that humiliating position, letting the man use him. He almost gagged recalling how it had felt to feel Julius thrusting into him, to hear the man whisper his cruel taunts and his threats to give Ezra to a whole slew of violators? Ezra forced the image away, all the while wondering how could he have been aroused by Julius touch. How could he have been so submissive when it was better to have just died! He knew immediately why he had obeyed. The very idea of given to Julius' men would not mean death but having to endure this horror again and again and that was something Ezra had not been able to stand no matter how terrible it felt having Julius rape him.
Julia saw the reaction in his face, the despair and utter horror that flashed for an instant in his eyes. It was brief but enough to make her jaw drop open out of sheer astonishment. "For God sakes, tell me what's wrong?" She demanded, her strong voice breaking into sobs as she saw the suffering in his face that was like nothing she could even begin to imagine. "What did they do to you? What they do to take you away from me like this? "
Ezra could not listen to her any more. Closing his eyes he hardened his heart to her empathic pleas and spoke into a slow, deliberate voice. "Madam, you will leave, now."
"Madam?" She blinked and cried out. "We're not strangers Ezra! I am your fiancée and I love you! What ever it is that's making you like this can't be so bad that I would ever stop loving you. You have to believe that. I promise you! Ezra let me in and we'll go through this together."
"I don't need your help!" He shouted in fury because she was starting to get through the defenses he had erected to keep her out. Ezra knew that if he listened to her anymore, he would tell her the truth and then it would all be over. She would run from his in revulsion and disgust. He could not bear that no matter how much assurance she gave him. "I just want you to get out!"
"I won't leave." She barked back with just as much intensity even though subconsciously, her mind was issuing her all kinds of warnings to withdraw. There was too much rage in his voice to believe that he could control himself forever but Julia could not give up. It was not her mind she was acting with but rather her heart. Her heart, just like the rest of her was his. Julia could not let this be, not until she knew she had tried every possible way to reach him and if necessary, risk everything as well. "I won't let you push me out of your life! Not without a reason! I know something happened to you out there. I know that there is more to it than you being kidnapped! What happened to you? Who actually took you?"
"Shut up!" Ezra roared, her questions becoming to close for comfort. He could feel that he was reaching a point of no return with his temperament. He had pulled a gun on Chris Larabee already tonight, he had no need to allow this rage inside him escalate any further than it should. "JUST SHUT UP!" He pushed grabbed her under the chin and held her face in his hands. "Just let this go and leave me alone! I do not want you! I never want you again! Will you cease your incessant harping and get out of my sight? Do you not understand that you are a meal I've had my fill of? I am tired of you Julia, sick and tired. How plain must I be? You bore me!"
"Is that the best you can do?" She sobbed, tear running down her cheeks as his vicious words tore at her. "You're going to have to do better!"
Her words snapped the reason inside of him and Ezra reacted almost purely on reflex. His mind and body disengaging from each other in that terrible instant of blood red fury. The emotions coursing through Ezra forced his body to act defensively before his mind considered what it was he was doing. He lashed out hard and connected with Julia's face in a backhanded blow. Knuckles met flesh in a hard slap and suddenly she was no longer standing. It felt good to lash out, he thought in the seconds following its execution but the euphoria did not last.
It came and went in a split second of time before the cold soberness of reality descended over his mind and he understood what he had just done. In almost slow motion, he watched her stumble backwards from him, her head lolling to the side from the blow only to fall down on the floor, landing on her side that forced from her soft lips, a small cry of pain. Only then, when he saw her fall, did that red haze of anger begin to recede and the realization that something unforgivable had been done dawned upon him. If anything penetrated the unreality of the moment, it was the second when that voice full of shock, hurt and pain reached his ears. God, what had he done?
"Julia?" Ezra called out in a small voice, coming to his senses as he saw the woman he loved on the floor of his room after he had hit her. He had hit her. Julia. A woman. The southerner was mortified at his behavior. How could he have hit her? What was going on inside him that would allow him to assault her this way? He was a gentleman! Gentlemen did not hit women! A swell of shame rose from the pit of him, almost equal to the shame he felt at what Julius had done to him. He closed his eyes and bit down hard, trying to keep himself from screaming in rage at how he could have allowed his emotions to run so rampant? Why couldn't Julius kill him? Why could not the man have simply killed him rather than leave him to turn into this monster who lashed out at women! Especially the woman he loved! God, he really wanted to die because this had never been about hurting her. Of all the people he had wanted spared from this, it was Julia.
"Julia?" He immediately rushed over to her side.
Julia rolled onto a sitting position at the sound of his voice. She clutched her face and winced because her cheek was flaring in pain and her left ear throbbed as the blood rushed to her swelling flesh. She could hear ringing in her ears as her disorientation began to dissipate. Julia looked up to see Ezra coming forward and even recognized the remorse on his face. However, at that particular moment, she did not care very much for it or him, for that matter. When he had hit her, did Julia finally understand that nothing she did would help him unless he was willing to let her in and he was not willing, that much was clear to her now.
"Don't touch me." She spoke quietly but its edge was enough to stop him from advancing any nearer to her.
Ezra froze in his tracks, swallowing hard as he tried to explain himself and knew that he could not unless he was prepared to tell the truth and he was not prepared to that ever. All he could do was apologise even though he knew that it would not be enough. "I am sorry." He whispered, unable to meet her eyes for the shame he felt. "I did not mean to harm you. I never meant to harm you."
"Well you did," she spoke through her tears as she stood up, determined to accept no help from him.
A line had been crossed and they both knew it. Where they went after this was as much a mystery to her as it was to Ezra but Julia knew that there was nothing more to be done here. Not until he was ready and he was far from it now. Her head swam and she felt dizzy but she was going to walk out of here with her dignity at least. She would keep her pride because that was all she had left. Julia noted the expression on Ezra's face as he stared back at her and was consoled by the fact that at least something out of this entire miserable encounter had reached him since nothing else had managed that feat.
"I'm going Ezra," she replied brushing the loose strands of hair out of her face and dried her tears. She paused to wipe the sliver of blood running down her nose before resuming her journey to the door.
"Let me walk you home..." He started to say but the glare she shot him kept Ezra from completing the sentence.
"No." She said with as much coldness that he had displayed to her earlier. Julia made her way to the door slowly, not wanting to show him that the left side of her body where she had landed hard on the floor ached just as much as her face. In the last few minutes, things had become clear to her and as much as she wanted to help him, she was at a dead end unless he was a willing participant.
"Julia, I am sorry." Ezra cried out helplessly, finding in the last few seconds that he did not want her to leave like this. He did not know what it actually meant to lose her until she gave him that hard look which said so clearly that she wanted him to stay away from her. It hurt so badly he could barely stand it and yet he knew that he had done everything to deserve it. "I did not mean to hurt you."
Julia pulled open the door. She would have left without saying a word if she could but somehow, she did recognise the genuine regret in his voice even if he was not ready to do much else to reconcile the situation between them. She paused a moment and took a deep breath, feeling the pain become more than just a physical condition but rather an emotional one. She knew that this was the right thing to do but the right thing was tearing her apart inside. Tears spilled down her cheeks again but thankfully with her back facing him, Ezra could not see them.
"I know you are sorry Ezra but you still did what you did. I love you and you mean more to me than any human being alive but I am leaving because you are in no shape to talk to me. What you did makes that plain. I don't know whether you will be ever be able to talk to me but until you do, we have nothing more to say to each other."
There was a finality to her words that effected even Julia but she knew she had said to much to turn back. It was all up to him now.
With that she left the room and Ezra could only stare as she went. He stood there long after she had gone, still staring at the open doorway, feeling a thousand knives impale his heart at her words and worst yet, knowing that she had spoken nothing but the truth. Unfortunately, he knew that it was for the best that she walked out of his life because he could no longer guarantee that breaking her heart was the worst thing that he could do and he would rather die than harm Julia again.
If she stayed in his life, Ezra had no doubt that it would happen again. He had become the reflection in his broken mirror.
The first thing Chris Larabee did that morning was make his way to Nathan Jackson's infirmary. No matter what the healer had told him, Chris was certain that after his encounter with Ezra at the saloon last night, there was something being hidden from him. Even though he hated to accuse any member of the seven of lying, he was absolutely convinced now that Nathan had not told him the entire truth about Ezra that night when Nathan had fronted at his porch, to inform him about Ezra's return. He had felt it then, that moment of lingering hesitation where Nathan appeared as if he had more to say than had already been and held back. Chris knew for a fact that Nathan was an honorable man. In fact the healer's self righteousness was damned annoying at times but Chris relied upon it because Nathan kept them all centered on what was right whenever such judgements became difficult to call. Chris told himself as he strode purposefully up the stairs towards the set of room that acted as Nathan's clinic that Nathan would not lie without good reason.
However on this occasion, good reason or not, Chris wanted to know what it was.
Upon reaching Nathan's door, Chris rapped hard against the wooden surface and waited. There was a pause no longer than a few seconds before Chris heard the movement within the room beyond it. Footsteps followed that irrefutable signs of occupation before the doorknob twisted and swung back, with Nathan standing in the doorway.
"Chris," Nathan said somewhat surprised to see Chris so early. "What's up?"
"We need to talk." Chris replied coolly, his eyes meeting Nathan's with deep scrutiny.
Nathan recognized Chris' manner to know that the gunslinger wanted their discussion conducted indoors and immediately withdrew into his clinic, gesturing Chris to follow. Nathan's clinic was also his home and he led Chris to the stove where he had been in the process of brewing some coffee. Pouring Chris a cup, Nathan could tell that Chris had something important on his mind because he did not speak until they were both seated and facing each other, almost as if they were two chess players about to begin a game.
"Want to tell me what this is about?" Nathan asked finally.
"Yeah," Chris nodded slowly. "This is about Ezra."
Nathan exhaled loudly and supposed this was inevitable. The manner in which Ezra was behaving the last few days made it impossible for anyone not to notice that something was wrong. Chris was sharper than most people and it did not surprise Nathan that in his quest for answers at what may be ailing the gambler, Chris would eventually recall how uneasy he had been when he had first told Chris about Ezra's return to town. "What about Ezra?" He asked gingerly, not wishing to break his word to Ezra unless he really had to.
"Cut the crap Nathan," Chris retorted. "What happened to him?"
"I can't tell you." Nathan said weakly, aware that his answer would not satisfy Chris on any level. "I gave him my word."
"Really?" Chris stared at him hard. "I'm going to tell you this only once and you can decide whether or not your word to him is going to mean anything if he kills himself."
Nathan's eyes met Chris in shock. "What do you mean? Has he tried something?"
"No," Chris shook his head. "He hasn't tried anything that overt yet. He's doing everything he can to see that someone puts a bullet into him. Trust me, I've been there, I know all the signs of what he's doing. I found him in the saloon last night drinking."
"Ezra's always been a little heavy on the fire water Chris," the healer pointed out.
"Not...like...this." Chris said slowly and the iciness in his voice indicated that he was tired of Nathan's attempts to avoid answering his question. "He pulled a gun on me Nathan. I think that there was a second there where he didn't give a damn enough to pull the trigger."
"Oh Lord," Nathan groaned, burying his face into his hand for a moment before he raised his head and composed himself. "Chris, I'm sorry. I didn't realise it had gotten that bad."
Chris softened a little, seeing now what a morale crisis Nathan found himself in. It was a hard thing to break a man's word and Chris could tell Nathan was torn between that duty and doing what was best for Ezra. Chris could appreciate it but now it was time for Nathan to share that burden so steps could be made to help Ezra before it was too late. "It's going to get worse unless we help him. Now what happened to him Nate?"
Nathan swallowed thickly, trying to found the words in his mouth but they felt offensive even to speak of. Suddenly, he understood why Ezra found it so unthinkable to live with when he could not even bring himself to say it. Unfortunately, he had to say it because Chris was expecting an answer and it was long past time that Nathan provide him with one.
"I think he got took." Nathan finally answered.
At first, Chris stared at him not understanding. It did not register. He was almost about to ask for a clarification when his disbelief at the revelation dissipated, allowing his brain to fully comprehend what Nathan had just told him. Once it did, Chris felt his insides tighten and something like disgust, outrage and horror swept through him like a tidal wave. After everything that Chris Larabee had seen of or heard of in his life time, he had come to believe that there was very little that had the power to shock him. When he had demanded the truth from Nathan, Chris had not been certain of what he was expecting but he sure as hell knew that it was not this. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought it could be this.
"You mean someone...." Chris started to say but the words died in the speaking because he could not even bring himself to say it.
"Someone took him." Nathan repeated himself, seeing the astonishment in Chris' eyes even after it filled comprehension. "He won't say who. He's so ashamed he can't even talk about it."
Chris could hardly blame Ezra for that. If it was him, Chris could not say that he would be vocal about the subject either. He tried to imagine what Ezra must be feeling at the moment and could not honestly say that he could even begin to understand what the gambler must be enduring. Ezra was a proud man, he did not ask for help and he certainly prided himself in being able to handle most situations but who could be prepared for this? No man ever thought that something like this could happen to them. Being taken was something that happened to women. It was an act committed by men who were scum and always would be. Chris could not even begin to imagine the vileness that would make one man do this to another. It was so dishonorable. There were rules of conduct by which all men adhered to. It was not a spoken rule but something passed on from fathers to sons. The man who did not understand that, who would do the unthinkable was no better than an animal.
Of course Chris was not entirely naïve. He knew that things like this happened and sometimes it was not even an involuntary experience. When he had been Inmate 78 in that hellish prison, he had seen it take place between men who were just like him. They were far from being Ôfunny cowboys' as Buck referred to men who indulged in the company of other men. Chris was not entirely comfortable with the whole aspect of it but a man's sexual proclivities were his own business. Did Ezra actually think that because he was taken, that his friends would label him as such? The idea was a little insulting but upon further consideration, Chris appreciated what was running through Ezra's mind in the wake of such a brutal assault.
"Jesus Christ." Chris whispered softly and straightened up in his chair. "Nathan, you should have told me."
"Chris he wouldn't even tell me." Nathan replied, trying to explain himself because he had never felt right about keeping this to himself but was bound by his word to Ezra and his fears for the gambler's state of mind if his secret was revealed. "The only reason I found out was because I had to treat him when he got back."
"Treat him?" Chris looked up at the healer. "Exactly how badly was he hurt?"
Nathan paused a moment, trying to remember exactly all that he had done for Ezra. "The injuries were mostly internal, bruising and tearing that comes with that kind of attack." Nathan had no wish to go into detail and judging by the clenching of Chris' jaw as he spoke, he suspected that it was probably wise not to do so when Chris was barely able to restrain his anger and outrage. "I told him to take it easy but there wasn't much I could do but to give him some medication and hope there would be no infection."
"With the amount of alcohol in his system, I seriously doubt that will be a problem." Chris retorted.
"I'm sorry I kept it from you Chris," Nathan apologized, seeing the depth of the man's sympathy for Ezra and was glad that he was able to tell someone and not share this secret alone. Even though Nathan hated breaking his word to Ezra, he was certain now that it was for the man's own good. If Chris was right, if he was embarking on some self destructive course, then they had better do something to help him while they still could. "I didn't know what to do. I was afraid if I told you and the others what had happened, he might hurt himself. When I was back in the plantation, I knew people who had gone through the same thing and its almost always the same. They wanted to die."
Chris nodded in understanding, aware that Nathan's actions had not been prompted out of any subterfuge but rather a concern for Ezra's well being. "I know that Nathan." Chris spoke quickly, wanting the healer to know that he did not hold him accountable for trying to behave honorably. "I just wish I knew what to do about it."
"He's going to kill himself the way he's going. If not from the drink, from the way you mentioned a moment ago." Nathan pointed out.
"Yes he will." Chris agreed readily. "So I take it he wasn't kidnapped by a bunch of old poker buddies wanting to even the score."
"I don't know," Nathan confessed. "It may be that's how it went down but I don't think so. I think how it happened is entirely different from what he told us. I think that story was just something he made up to keep us from finding out the truth."
"Julius." Chris stated without even realizing the word had left his lips. The name had surfaced almost on impulse, like a gut reaction that demanded to be heard even though there was nothing to substantiate it. "It was Julius."
"What?" Nathan exclaimed because as preposterous as it sounded, when it sunk into the brain it made sense. "Did you say Julius?"
"Yeah," Chris nodded slowly. "Julius."
"Because Ezra spied on him before?" Nathan asked, unable to imagine that alone could deserve such an appalling act of vengeance.
"It wasn't just because Ezra spied on him," Chris declared, remembering how large a part Ezra had played in their last encounter with the Citadel. "Think about it. Ezra found out all about his plans for the railroad and gave us time to fight back. We killed a lot of his men because of that warning and put a stop to his plan to destroy the railway. Not to mention Ezra rescued Mary when he had kidnapped her. Julius has got a lot to be angry at Ezra for. Besides, the timing of this is more than coincidental."
"Coincidental maybe," Nathan was not about to agree completely just yet. "But is he capable of doing something like that?'
Chris had to think about it now that the question was put to him. Was Julius capable of such behaviour? During the war, his manner had always been a little unusual. He supposed Julius could be that way inclined but ven Chris could not say for certain whether or not the man was capable of violating another in such a despicable way. However, during the war Julius has been more than prepared to let his men face certain death at the front lines while he remained safely away from the fighting and he had shot Chris in the back. Was it such a leap from that to what he had done to Ezra? Somehow Chris believed it so.
"Yeah, I think he's more than capable." Chris said grimly.
"So now you know," Nathan sighed. "What are we going to do about it?"
"I don't know," Chris said automatically, not about to pretend that he had any solution to Ezra's personal trauma. As it was, he was having a hard time believing any of this could be possible but he had seen the evidence of it in Ezra's behaviour of late. The man was bleeding inside out and it was only a matter of time his self destruction reached critical mass and it became too late to help him. Unfortunately, wanting to help Ezra and knowing how to, were two different things. Chris had no idea how to even broach the subject with the gambler, considering what Nathan said about his abhorrence to anyone knowing what had happened to him. Still Chris refused to sit by and do nothing. Ezra was not just one of the men he rode with, he was Chris' friend and a member of the seven.
He remembered how he had been after his addiction to the Venom that had made him Laurel Chase's creature. If not for Vin and Mary, he would not have pulled through it. However, the one thing that had forced him to try and heal was the knowledge of the friends who were more than ready to support him no matter how dangerous he had become. Granted, Ezra's situation was slightly different but the devastating efforts were exactly the same. They had both been forced into a situation that was normally unimaginable for either and while Ezra's was a thousand times more personal, Chris was certain that if he knew that his friends did not consider any of this his fault, he might be able to recover. Nevertheless, Nathan was correct about not letting this go any further than necessary. Ezra's self respect, what was left of it that is, hinged on his humiliation remaining a secret.
Thus, whatever needed to be done to aid his recovery, it would have to be undertaken by Chris and Nathan alone.
"What about Julia?" Nathan asked, since it was unfair to ignore the lady in this discussion. Ezra was her fiancee after all. She had a right to know what was the cause of his abberant behaviour.
"We tell her nothing." Chris said without hesitation.
"Chris," Nathan objected immediately. "We can't just not tell her."
"If you think Ezra is ashamed now, you don't want to see how he's gonna be if he finds out Julia knows." He said firmly. "He may be able to stand us knowing but not her. Telling her would be a big mistake. When he's a little more stable perhaps."
"Its not fair." The healer declared defiantly. "You haven't been seeing how he is around her. She needs to know." He insisted.
"Nathan I believe you," Chris replied, not about to refute anything Nathan had said. "But you gotta understand that this strikes at heart of what it is to be a man. Ezra feels like less than that right now because of what Julius did to him. He's angry that it could happen to him to begin with, not to mention being able to do nothing to stop it. If he's pushing Julia away, its because he rather her hate him then find out."
"She loves him." Nathan stated absolutely on that point. "It wouldn't matter to her."
"You know that and I know that," Chris agreed. "He doesn't. We need to take this one step at a time and the first thing we got to do is convince him that we don't blame him for what's happened and we've got to do it fast because it won't be long before he does get himself killed."
Nathan did not like the idea of keeping things from Julia but Chris was right. Ezra was going to have a hard enough time accepting that Chris knew let alone Julia. The healer prayed inwardly that he had done the right thing in confiding to Chris about Ezra's ordeal. In truth, he had no idea whether or not Chris knowing made things better or worse but he had to admit, it was good to know that he was not carrying this secret alone. Now if they could only convince Ezra the same, perhaps there might be some way to stop the gambler from doing something they all regretted.
Julia hated hats.
There were some women who could wear them and make it look effortless. Personally, Julia could never abide the pins and clips needed to hold the damned things in place. Nevertheless under the circumstances, she had little choice but to wear one. Despite her hopes against it, she had awoken this morning to look in the mirror and find herself staring at the reflection of an ugly bruise forming under her left eye and cheek. When she tried to conjure up a plausible explanation as to how she had come by it, Julia knew the convenient excuse that she had fallen or walked into a wall was not going to be sufficient. The bruise had the decided shape of a fist and no doubt if anyone saw her, they would come to the same conclusion and demand who had inflicted it upon her.
She had no wish to tell anyone that it was Ezra who was responsible for it. While she did not excuse his behavior, she knew that he had not meant to do it and he had been genuinely sorry after. Unfortunately, she doubted any of the seven would be as understanding if they were to learn that he had harmed her as he did. She shuddered to think what someone like Buck Wilmington might do. Inez had told her about Buck's dislike for men who hit women and Julia had no wish to lessen Ezra's standing in the eyes of his friends. He was going through a rough patch, she told herself and while she was no closer to helping him solve it, she loved him and was determined to protect him.
Julia had planned on staying indoors for as long as it took for the bruise to heal but the unfortunate reality of it was, she was a woman with a business that required her presence to run it. While she could delegate some of it, there were duties that simply could not be given to anyone else and to her utter chargin, Julia realised she had errands to run that could no wait either. It was for this reason that she had resorted to shifting through her wardrobe, hoping to find the hat that could conceal the mark on her face. Her plan was simple; to undertake everything she needed to do without running into anyone she knew. If she could manage that, then she could worry about what to do tomorrow and every day after that.
When she left the house, she was wearing a wide brimmed hard that cast a shadow over her face that would make her injury less noticeable if she hurried past those who mattered. However, if she paused and allowed them to have a look at her, there would be no hiding it and Julia was feeling terrible enough about the entire situation to have to explain things as well. She had no idea where her relationship with Ezra was headed the way he was at this time but she knew it would only make things worse if this were to come out as well. Julia made a brisk pace towards town, hoping to run her errands as quickly as possible so that she could withdraw into the safety of her home and hide for a few days.
However, as luck would have it, the first person she ran into that morning was Josiah Sanchez.
Julia cursed under her breath because of all the people she could have run into, the preacher was the one she least wanted to see. Their close friendship made it easy for Josiah to spot a lie from her and she had no wish to deceive him about anything. The preacher's route told Julia he was headed to his church, most likely to continue the restoration work he had begun since coming to Four Corners. It was well known in town that the church was Josiah's pet project which he undertook during the intervals when he was not defending Four Corners as one of its peacekeepers.
Julia had hoped to duck into Gloria Potter's store before he saw her but had little choice when he tipped his hat in her direction. With a sigh, she knew she could not avoid him without raising suspicion and greeted him politely in the boardwalk that ran past the premises.
The first thing that Josiah noticed about Julia was the fact that she was wearing a hat. She almost never wore one and there was something about the wide brim that made him suspicious. Initially, he told himself he was being foolish, that it was a woman's perogative to wear whatever she liked but something in her manner told him that she was not pleased to see him and that made him scrutinise her even more deeply.
"Julia." Josiah responded upon reaching her. "That's a lovely hat."
"Thank you Josiah," she remarked trying to keep her head lowered, so that he could not see what she was attempting to hide. "I felt like a change."
"It's a lady's perogative, I hear." Josiah nodded, his eyes trying to see past the brim of the floral hat that seemed exaggerated somehow as if its purpose was to mask rather than to offer shade from the sun. "It becomes you."
"You are a flatterer." Julia laughed. "You are going to church?" She asked.
"I am," he nodded. "I have some pews that need varnishing."
"I'll take your word for it." She smiled nervously.
Josiah was starting to get more than suspicious. He was getting worried. As a student of human behaviour, he knew when someone was lying to him and better yet, when someone was trying to get past him. She was not simply on her way somewhere else and was rushed, she was trying to leave before he discovered whatever it is she was trying to hide. It took no feat of genius to guess that whatever it was she was attempting to conceal from him was beneath that hat she was wearing and her inability to look him in her eyes.
"Something wrong?" Josiah asked.
"Of course not," Julia retorted. "I have a busy day ahead of me. The life of a business woman you know."
"I'll take your word for it," he joked. "I best leave you to it then."
"Thank you," she replied, the relief in her voice more damning than any other thing she had done since she encountered him. "Maybe we shall see each other later."
"You never can tell." Josiah answered, allowing her to pass him.
Julia was about to sweep by when Josiah caught her arm with a firm grip and froze her in her tracks. The power of his large hand and long fingers around her forearm ensured that she got no further than she already had. Julia was about to open her mouth in protest when Josiah pulled the hat off her head.
"Josiah!" She hissed and turned away quickly. "Let me go!"
"Easy Julia," the preacher responded in that cool, erudite rumble of a voice. "You want to tell me what this is about?"
"It's none of your business." She snapped, her face still turned away from him.
"Maybe its not," he returned not about to be deterred from his course, "but I'm not letting you go until I find out what you're so worried about me finding out."
"Josiah please," she began to plead, trying to hide but aware that it was probably too late for that now. "Its nothing."
"Julia, look at me." Josiah said firmly.
There was a little girl who identified Josiah Sanchez with the father she knew and that little girl was too conditioned to obey that voice to be able to ignore Josiah's demand. Slowly and almost against her will, she turned her face and met his eyes for the first time. The bruise presented itself to the preacher in all its lurid color and even though she hated herself for it, Julia felt her eyes glistening with tears because her secret was exposed for him to see. She hated lying to Josiah. She hated it because he was everything her father should have been and was not. Now that she had been caught in her lie, she felt ashamed and humiliated.
"What happened?" Josiah asked, his voice hushed as he saw the bruise on her lovely face that could have been caused by only thing.
"I fell." She replied weakly.
"Into a fist." Josiah retorted, not about to accept that explanation for one minute. As a preacher he had seen too many women wearing similar marks on their faces to be fooled into thinking that it could be the result of a fall.
"Of course not," she brushed aside the notion as if it were ludicrous. "I was clumsy and I fell. That's all there is to it."
"Julia, who did this to you?" He demanded.
"Josiah, please let it go!" She begged and the tears spilled down her cheeks as her emerald eyes filled with pain and suddenly Josiah knew who had done this to her.
"Did Ezra do this to you?" Josiah asked beyond astonishment.
"No." She answered but her eyes said different. "Of course not."
"Julia!" Josiah repeated himself and startled her by the sharpness of his voice. People around them paused and stared briefly before Josiah glowered in their direction and sent them scurrying. He turned back to Julia and asked again. "Did Ezra hit you?"
She could not lie to him. If it were anyone else, she might have managed but not to Josiah. "He didn't mean it!" She gushed. "Something's happened to him Josiah, something he won't talk about. It's making him crazy! I tried to force it out of him and he got angry. He didn't mean to hit me, I know he didn't! It was just that he was so angry and I wouldn't let up."
"That's no excuse." Josiah growled. "He had no right to lay a finger on you!"
"Please Josiah," Julia tried desperately to reach the preacher but knew the man was outraged and when Josiah was outraged, he had the temperament of a speeding locomotive. "I know he's sorry. He told me so."
"Do you know many times I have heard that?" Josiah stared at her. "It's always so easy to say sorry once they've done their worst." Josiah let her go then and turned around the way he came. It took no clairavoyance for Julia to guess where he was going.
"Josiah where are you going?" She called out as he made his way down the boardwalk resembling a thundercloud on legs as he strode purposefully forward. He did not answer, not that he needed to.
Julia knew exactly where Josiah was going.
He was going to find Ezra.
Chris and Nathan arrived in the Standish Tavern and found Ezra exactly where they had expected him to be. He was starting his binge earlier than usual for it was only morning and he was already imbibing heavily. Inez was at the counter, looking clearly unhappy at the way Ezra was abusing his body but there was little she could say because the gambler's mood of late would have simply made him tell her to mind her own business. Fortunately, the tavern was empty at this time of the morning and Ezra was alone at their table. Vin and Buck were presently at the ranch, tending the horses and JD was minding the jailhouse. Chris remembered Josiah saying something about varnishing pews but had not paid very much attention at the time of the mentioning.
"Mr Larabee," Ezra looked up at them. The sound of his voice indicated he was clearly on the way to being quite drunk. "Mr Jackson, won't you join me in a morning restitution?"
Chris said nothing and stared past the gambler to make eye contact with the sultry barmaid. "Inez, could you give us a moment alone?" He asked.
Inez could see something was up and nodded quietly, taking the opportunity to stock up on supplies and made her way quickly to the door. She glanced anxiously at Ezra, certain that she was being dismissed so that Chris could deal with the reason of why Ezra had been behaving so erratically of late.
Once she was gone, Chris and Nathan approached the table and sat down. Ezra had a bottle on the table and though it was far from empty, it was quite a bit of alcohol for one person to indulge at so early an hour. Chris picked up the bottle and took a decent swig of it, needing a drink before he started speaking.
"Ezra, I know." He said coolly.
Ezra blinked. His eyes shot immediately to Nathan and his jaw clenched. "You gave me your word!" He hissed through gritted teeth.
"I'm sorry Ezra," Nathan started to apologise, unable to bear the accusation in those eyes and forced himself to look away. "I had to do it. You're tearing yourself apart the way you are and you need our help."
"I needed your help when I was being violated on my hands and knees like a heifer in the pasture! Where were you then?" Ezra shouted and flung his glass past Chris. It shattered against the wall before Ezra forced himself to his feet. "Where you there when I was screaming it for it to stop? Were you there when that son of bitch told me that he might pass me around like I was bottle of liquor! No you were not! So what do you think you can do for me now?"
"Ezra, it wasn't your fault." Chris responded after listening quietly.
"Of course it was my fault!" Ezra barked back. "Spare me the pathetic attempts to make me feel better. I have a fair idea of what you must think of me now."
"No you don't," Chris answered, displaying perfect calm in contrast to Ezra's angry words. "I don't think you have any idea what I'm thinking of you now."
"Spare me the revelation." Ezra spat bitterly as he turned away. "I have no need of your sympathy or your eventual doubts and they will come you know. Funny, how they always do when it comes to me. Just wait until the first test of faith and see how quickly it is easy to believe that I'm some fucking deviant!"
"Ezra, it has not been that way for a long time." Nathan protested. "You're our friend and we've been through too much together to ever think that you could have deserve what Julius did to you."
Ezra swung around and faced them both, giving them the irrefutable confirmation that they needed to believe that it was Julius who did this to him. "How did you know?" He asked in a soft voice.
"I guessed." Chris answered. "Ezra, I can't imagine what you're going through." This time Chris was speaking from the heart and though it was difficult for him to do so, he knew he had to do it in order to reach the gambler while they still could. "I don't ever want to but I know that you didn't ask for what happened to you and it will never go beyond this room but you need to let us help you."
Ezra stared at Chris and then at Nathan, trying to discern whether or not this was some trick. He wanted so much to believe that Chris meant what he said because he couldn't stand looking himself in the mirror any more. He was starting to look like the shattered image of someone who used to be him but was unrecognisable inside. What he had done to Chris the night before and then Julia, God help him, he was dying.
However, anything Ezra might have said was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Josiah Sanchez barreling through the doors of the saloon. The preacher fixed his gaze on Ezra immediately and Chris and Nathan knew Josiah was furious.
"What's the matter with you?" Josiah roared as he made his way to the gambler. "Drinking yourself to death isn't enough? You got to take it out on a woman?"
"Josiah please!" Julia's cried out as she followed him into the room. "He didn't mean to do it!"
"Josiah calm down!" Chris ordered, watching the situation spiral out of control rapidly. He had been so close. Ezra was starting to believe him. Damn!
"Calm down?" Josiah glared at the gunslinger. "Do you know what he did?" He pointed at Julia. "Look at her face!"
Josiah was on Ezra in seconds and almost picked the gambler off his feet by the throat, his large hand clamping around the southerner's neck. Chris and Nathan were on him in a minute, with Julia screaming at them to stop him from harming Ezra.
"What's gotten into you Ezra!" Josiah demanded as he vented his fury at the smaller man.
"Josiah, you don't know what's happened!" Chris shouted. "Let him go!"
"You defending him Chris? " Josiah glared at him in disbelief.
"No I'm not," Chris grunted, trying to force Josiah to release the gambler. "But he has a good reason for why he has been the way he is."
"No!" Ezra shouted defiantly, wanting Chris to remain silent. He needed no one else to know his secret, especially Julia who was in the room. "Don't you do it!"
"I have to or he's going to break your godammn neck!" Chris barked back. "Josiah, Ezra got took!"
Josiah looked sharply over his shoulder and stared at Chris in shock. "What?" He almost gasped out the word.
"Julius took him." Nathan answered. "Don't you understand? Julius raped him!"
Josiah's fingers' slackened and let go of Ezra who dropped to his knees coughing hard. Josiah stared at Chris and Nathan, horrified beyond belief because he knew precisely what Chris was talking about requiring no explanation.
"When?"
"Damn you!" Ezra interrupted the question by screaming at Chris. "Damn you to hell Larabee! I almost believed you! I almost believed what you said!"
"Ezra," Julia broke through the men and stared at him. "Is that true? Is that what happened?"
Seeing Julia was too much for the gambler. He could not stand to look at her or any of them for that matter. "Get away from me, all of you." Ezra said bitterly and forced his way past them. No one tried to stop him. Somehow, he was not the least bit surprised.
Ezra did not look back as he walked out of the Standish Tavern. The only thing he could think about was getting as far away from them and Four Corners as possible. He suddenly realised that there was only one thing left to do. What he should have done three years ago.
Leave and not look back.