Disclaimer: All the characters from the "Magnificent Seven" T.V. series are property of Trilogy Entertainment, The Mirisch Group, MGM Worldwide.
"Damn!"
Chris Larabee heard Julia Pemberton swear profusely following the incident that had driven Ezra Standish out of the Standish Tavern. He could not believe how badly things had deteriorated and how far they had transpired from what he had originally intended. He had no wish to blurt out Ezra's secret as he had, especially to Julia. However, Chris had not counted on Josiah's involvement or Julia's presence when he and Nathan had chosen to confront Ezra. Ezra's psyche was already hanging together by the barest threads and Chris had not intended to push him over the edge by revealing to Julia what had been done to him by Julius. The horror in Ezra's eyes when Chris had told Josiah was something the gunslinger would not forget for a long time. Chris had seen the anguish and shame that surfaced in his eyes and it was an expression of pain that was seared into Chris' memory.
Josiah had ambled to the bar counter and poured himself a drink, while Julia came to grips with the full implication of Chris' revelation. Chris could only go over in his mind repeatedly how it had all gone wrong. He should have been able to handle it better. He should have been able to show Ezra that he did not have to run. Nathan was filled with obvious guilt, wondering if he should have ever told Chris at all. He had thought confiding in the gunslinger would help him to deal with Ezra's growing instability but all it had done was made things a thousand times worse.
Julia Pemberton paced the floor, unable to sit because her anger did not allow her that luxury. While she had yet to voice it, the reason for her anger was apparent enough by the glimmer in her emerald colored eyes when she regarded the men present in the room with her. Chris wished he could say that they did not deserve her anger but in truth, they in some small part were responsible for the catastrophic way she had learnt about what her lover and fiancée had endured. Nathan because he had held on to his secret far longer than he should have, Josiah for rushing in without the facts and Chris himself for committing the actual revelation in so unceremonious and indelicate a manner.
"How could you not tell me about this?" Julia finally turned to them, her rage having leveled off to a point where she trusted herself to speak.
"I gave Ezra my word." Nathan said meekly, aware that it was not much of an answer.
"You men and your words!" Julia exploded. "I am sick to death about it! Ten thousand years of civilization and you still have not the slightest inkling of what is a promise to keep and what should be broken for the good of all! You accuse us women of being stubborn but you men are no better. You'd rather keep silent and let a man tear himself to pieces before you break your precious word."
"Julia..."Chris started to say, feeling her anger like points of a knife on his skin and he could see each word spoken, drawing blood from Nathan.
"Don't you Julia me!" She fairly roared at Chris, silencing anything he was going to say with her intense fury. "You would not for one minute tolerate us keeping something like this from you if it was Mary. Don't you dare deny it! You have no idea what it is like to be defiled and degraded and then have no evidence of it to show anyone that it was done, except your word to know that any sin was committed. I do! I know what its like to have some animal touch you and use you and then throw you away when its convenient! If I had any idea that Ezra had been put through that, this would never have gotten as far as it did. I would have told him exactly what he needed to hear which was that I believed him. The one thing that he needed most of all from me and I couldn't give him because none of you felt it important enough to tell me! I kept pushing him and pushing him, trying to make him explain when I know now that it was next to impossible for him to do that. How could you let me do that to him? How could you put your word of honor above his need to be helped?" She shot an icy glare at Nathan.
"Julia, I believe him too." Chris implored, not wanting to feel like a fool he did but everything she said was correct.
"It's not enough that you say you believe him!" She roared. "Don't you understand? It's the way you are going to look at him from this day forward. He can't just hear it! He has to know! He has to know that somewhere in the back of your minds, you don't think that maybe Julius didn't rape him as much as he consented to it to save his skin. Can any of you say that for sure?" She stared at the three men in the room. "Can you look inside yourself and say absolutely that it was exactly how he said it was?"
"Of course!" Chris shouted back, his own anger surfacing and they met each other like titans preparing to wage warfare. "He's my friend! Do you think that I ain't sick to my stomach that something like this happened to him? I should have been there to stop it! He's one of my men! Nobody does this to one of my men!"
"Then you had better find him and tell him that!" Julia retorted. "Because of all the people in this room, possibly even more than me, its your opinion that matters the most!"
"What?" Chris was taken back. "What do you mean?"
"Why do you think he stayed?" Julia demanded. "From everything he told me about his first year in Four Corners you never trusted him, not really but he stayed nonetheless, because of you!"
"That's not true." Chris denied it. He turned to Josiah and Nathan, awaiting their response to support him but the preacher turned away and in Nathan's eyes, Chris could see that a small part of the healer agreed with Julia's vitriolic statement.
"Of course it is. Ever since he ran out on you that first time, there was always that little doubt in the back of your mind about Ezra. Do you think he never saw it? He stayed here because he wanted your respect, more than anything else, he wanted your respect." Julia wiped away the tears that had appeared in her eyes and faced Chris once more. "I can convince him that I believe him but you're going to do better than that." She looked at all three of them. "You're going to have to do a hell of a lot better than what you've been doing."
With that, Julia swept out of the room, determined to find Ezra and tell him that she loved him, while she still could. Chris watched her go, a force of nature sweeping towards the batwing doors with a crown of titian colored hair. For a long time after she went, no one spoke. No one knew what to say because she had been brutal in her rebuke and her words had penetrated deep into their skins, willingly or not.
"Lord Chris," Josiah broke the silence first. His rumbling voice was filled with remorse and shame. "If I had known about Julius....."
"I should have said something." Nathan whispered softly. "She was right. There comes a time when a word of honor ought to take a back seat to helping a man, whether he wants to be helped or not."
"You want to tell me what the hell happened to him?" Josiah demanded, not voicing that he agreed with Julia on this because Nathan was feeling bad enough but he was angry at venting his anger on Ezra with no idea what was running through the gambler's mind. His treatment of Julia made sense now and though Josiah did not condone Ezra hitting the lovely Emporium owner, could appreciate that turmoil that was running through his psyche to permit him to commit such an act.
"All we know is that Julius kidnapped him and then did what he did." Chris explained, still finding it difficult to come out and say that Ezra was raped. The concept was too vile for his sensibilities to manage more than once in the last hour.
"We don't know for sure because he ain't talking about it." Nathan continued. "You saw how he was. He can't stand anyone knowing."
"Can you blame him?" Josiah retorted sharply, feeling furious at his actions in light of what he now knew. Julia had been right but not merely about Chris, but also about himself. He should have had faith in the gambler enough to know that Ezra would not have hit Julia unless there was something terribly wrong with him. All the signs of his anguish was apparent the last few days and Josiah who had prided himself in being able to empathize with the hurt of others, had missed all of them. Josiah was beyond mortified at his insensitivity.
"I should have seen it. I should have known that there was something wrong with him for him to have hit Julia but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt." Josiah paused, shamefully remembering a conversation they had once following the discovery of ten thousand dollars whose fate Ezra had been obsessed by.
True, Ezra had lusted after the money as Ezra only could but what had effected him most was not the fact that he could not touch the tidy sum but the fact that Chris had given it to someone else to guard. Ezra had confronted him in the church, needing someone to talk to but Josiah had been plagued by demons of his own and had not reacted as a friend should have and to this day, the preacher still felt ashamed of himself especially when he recalled Ezra's words. The gambler said that all his life people had given him that look which always made him feel that he was not entirely trusted, that he was still an outcast. He had expected it from everyone else but not his associates. Josiah flinched because they both knew Ezra had not meant to say 'associates' but rather his friends.
Why would he think any differently now? Especially when anything inside of him that felt good about himself had been destroyed by that first brutal trust of Hannibal Julius' revenge. For the past few days, he had been decaying in front of them and none of them with the exception of Nathan, had seen it. They had attributed it to Ezra just being Ezra, knowing perfectly well that if it were Vin or JD behaving in such a manner, there would be inquiries and demands of concern.
"Look," Chris said after listening to Josiah berate himself a little more. "We can sit here and jaw about what we should have done and it ain't gonna matter much. Ezra needs our help right now. I'm going to find him. If I have to beat the snot out of him, I'm going to convince him like Julia says that I don't doubt that he was taken, that I don't doubt that he couldn't stop it and that he is every bit a man as I am."
"What about the others?" Nathan asked. "Do we tell them?"
"Do we need to?" Chris said sharply. "As far as I'm concerned what happened between Ezra and Julius is no one's business but his own. We know because we have to know to help him get through this but I don't want it leaving the room. He can't barely stand us knowing, I won't destroy what's left of him by having everyone know."
In truth, Chris' reasons were not entirely for Ezra. He had no idea how the others would take the news of hearing Ezra was raped. Chris would not tolerate anyone of his friends wondering about the gambler by providing them with that information. Human nature was fallible and it was not impossible for any one of the seven, no matter how much they trusted each other, to question the situation Ezra had found himself in. Chris would not have that treacherous seed planted in anyone else's head. Chris was going to spare Ezra that humiliation since he had failed so miserably to protect one of his men from the atrocity that was visited upon him.
"Amen to that." Josiah agreed wholeheartedly. "I say we go find him."
"I'll go." Chris stood up. "I don't think we ought to try crowding him right this minute. He's probably still ticked off at Nathan for telling me about it and Josiah, don't let me get started."
"Good idea," Josiah frowned, unable to refute Chris' statement because after his last encounter with Ezra, the gambler was probably not inclined to listen to anything he had to say. "You better hurry too, no telling what'd get up to after what just happened."
Chris tended to agree and immediately made his way out of the saloon, suddenly struck by a bad feeling he could not explain that it might have been too late already.
Julia did not know how much time had passed after she left the Standish Tavern but she knew where she was going the minute she left the premises. A part of her was so furious at those men, she could barely think. Her mind still had difficulty with the concept that they could have hidden something that important from her. The more she thought about it, the more livid she became and had to thank God she wasn't a man because she would flattened the lot of them in light of what they had kept form her. She stormed through the town, hardly paying heed of anything around here, determined only to find Ezra. Everything else could wait until he heard what she had to say.
What would she say?
The question surfaced inside her mind as she headed towards Mrs. Satlers' rooming house without pause certain that was the place Ezra would have been driven to find refuge. Since meeting him, they had hidden very little from each other that really mattered. There were little secrets of course, the nature of what they were made those impossible to reveal but the truly important things had been laid before each other a long time ago. It was the only way to misfits like them could ever face each other with any kind of understandings. However, there was secret and it was a fairly large one that she could never bring herself to tell him in all its entirety, the one Julia was certain he had guessed when that Pinkerton detective came searching for her some months ago.
She had been her papa's little dove for as long as she could remember. The replacement God had seen fit to give her father for the mother who had died when she was born. Until she was about to become a woman, she had no idea how much of a replacement she was meant to be. Her father doted on her from the day she was born and through her childhood, there was nothing she wanted that he would not provide. Until that first night when his touches reeked of the sinister rather than the innocent, did she discover what she wanted most from him but was doomed never to be have until she ran from him on the eve of her wedding.
The chance to forget that he had raped her when she was twelve years old.
In all honesty, it could not even be considered rape. After all, he was a father and when he said it was not wrong, she believed him. She wanted to be a good daughter and she loved her papa enough to endure it. Unaware that it was indecent and filthy and that the revulsion she felt when she looked in the mirror and could only be expunged by countless of meaningless dalliances with men she could hardly give second thought about. She knew how it felt to be used and abused over and over again. The only respite she ever had was when he started to get too old too touch her and decided by proxy to marry her to a man twice her age.
She had never wished Ezra to know even though she strongly suspected he had already guessed because he was intelligent enough to decipher her fear at seeing her father again into something darker and more sinister. However, now she had to tell him. She had to tell him because only when she told him that horrible truth would he be able to believe that she understood exactly what he had endured because the twelve year old she had been knew all too well the agonies he was presently suffering. She could not imagine what it must be like for a man but she understood the horror all the same because it had left its marks upon her as surely as what Julius had done to him had left him scarred forever.
It was the only way that he would believe that she did not look upon him with revulsion.
She hurried through the front door of the lodging house and made her way quickly up the steps that led to the rooms on the second floor. For some reason, she felt time pressing up against her as she reached the top of the stairs. Something in Ezra's eyes when he had staggered out of the Standish Tavern gave her a feeling of fear that she could not dispel and when she reached the door that led to his room, she understood why that was. The door was ajar and as Julia pushed her way inside, she led out a breath of defeat because she knew what she would find before she entered the room.
Within the modest space that he had called home for almost three years, the dressing table drawers were pulled open and anything that might have had any value to Ezra Standish was absent. She moved through the room like a sleepwalker, not wishing to see any of it but unable to deny the evidence with which she was confronted. Tears started running down her cheeks as she saw the empty closet, the dresser devoid of the personal items that was so indicative of the gambler and the emptiness that more than just his belongings being gone. It crept up her spine in tendrils of ice, forcing her to accept what she was seeing; that everything that was once Ezra Standish's was gone.
Just like he was.
Panic did not set in immediately. She tried to reason it out. He could not have managed to leave town just yet. There would be preparations to make for a permanent departure. He had a stake in the Tavern, money in the bank, surely those would have to be tended to prior to his leaving Four Corners. She knew that much of this was pure wishful thinking because at this time, his state of mind was such that money was the last thing on his mind. Changes were better that after pausing here long enough to remove any trace of himself, he would most likely have gone to Yosemite's to get Chaucer to head out of town. When that thought impressed itself on its mind, only then did she start to panic. Without wasting another second in the room, Julia fairly bolted out the door and started running down the stairs.
If he wanted to disappear, Julia had no doubt that Ezra would manage it quite and well and she would never reach him to tell him that she did not feel ashamed or disgusted by what he had endured because like she had been long ago, he was a victim. Her departure raised some curious glances from the lodgers whom she happened to pass by as she raced out the front door into the street outside. Her eyes scoured the town before her as if perhaps she might catch a glimpse of him. There was no sign of him but she did see Chris Larabee coming towards the lodging house, probably seeking Ezra as she had earlier. She would spare him the trouble.
"Chris!" Julia ran to the black garbed gunslinger. "He's gone."
"What do you mean, gone?" Chris asked, his voice tightening to a hiss.
"I went to his room," Julia responded, trying to catch her breath. "He's cleaned out everything of his at the lodging house. I think he's trying to leave town!"
Chris swore under his breath, afraid that it might have come to this. He supposed after the way that Ezra reacted to his telling Josiah, the gambler could not expect to behave any other way. However, like Julia, Chris had no intention of allowing Ezra to leave like this. Chris felt a great measure of responsibility for what had happened to Ezra, not simply because he had failed to protect the gambler from Hannibal Julius but also because it were not for Chris, Ezra would never have incurred Julius' hatred as he had. If things had gone accordingly when Ezra had been sent to spy on Julius, he would have secured the intelligence they needed to thwart Julius' plans with the man never being the wiser. Unfortunately, Ezra's bout of intelligence gathering had coincided with the period when Julius had kidnapped Mary and Ezra had exposed himself to the megalomaniac's wrath when he had rescued her.
"Come on," Chris said as he started striding towards Yosemite's livery. He did not have to look over his shoulder to know that Julia was behind him, her worries about Ezra made it clear she would not go quietly into the night when there was a possibility that he might have left town for good. "If he's gone, we'll find out how much of a head start he got on us."
"You think he's already gone?" Julia asked fearfully as she tried to match Chris' stride. Not an easy thing to do considering that he was considerably taller than her petite form.
Ezra would not have wasted time if leaving were what he truly intended, Chris thought silently to himself. If he had cleared out his things already, then Chris seriously doubted that he was still in Four Corners. "Yeah," Chris nodded after a while. "I think so."
Julia let out a heavy sigh, filled with despair and sorrow. It was a sound that had the power to move him and Chris turned to her. "Julia, if he's gone, we'll find him. He doesn't have much of a head start on us, we should be able to catch him."
"I hope so," Julia whispered. "I can't imagine him on his own out there, believing that we think the worst of him, thinking that he somehow invited what happened to him upon himself."
"No one believes that," Chris said automatically and surprised himself because he truly believed it. The doubt that he feared others might feel did not exist in himself and he certainly knew that it did not exist in Josiah or Nathan. Even if he could not be sure about the others and the truth was; they would never be in the position to find out, Chris felt gratified at his sincere belief that Ezra had suffered terribly and had deserved none of the violence inflicted upon him. "I sure as hell don't," he added with conviction. "When we find him, we're going to tell him until he believes it."
"God I want to kill that son of a bitch." Julia hissed with uncharacteristic violence. "I want to hurt him so bad I can't think straight."
Chris felt his inside tighten at that thought. Yes, he wanted to get his hands on Hannibal Julius himself. Since Hannibal Julius had entered his life again, Chris had yet to see the man but one thing was for certain, their next encounter whenever that might be would be the final time that Chris would ever lay eyes on the man. For what he had done to Ezra, Chris could guarantee that for a fact.
"You ain't the only one."
Completely unaware of Ezra's troubles, Casey Wells finally summed up the courage to see Alexandra Styles again. It had been days since she had seen the doctor where they had their discussion on the solution Alex had presented to her regarding her unfortunate circumstances. Casey had thought long and hard on the subject, trying to weight what Alex had said to her about what it was they would be doing and the ramifications on her life once it was a deed in the past. A part of her could not see the child of Neil Blackwood slumbering in her belly as a collection of cells, who existed in the nexus that preceded awareness. Her mind had difficulty grasping the concept so clinically for she was a woman of her time and she was raised to believe that a child was a child no matter how young it was or how miniscule it might be within her body.
However, that consideration aside, her life was still going to be ruined if she had the baby. Of this there was no convincing her otherwise. Even if she could endure the next few months of her pregnancy, Casey did not know if she could look at it with anything but loathing. The idea of having the baby was simply unimaginable and the fact was a tiny part of her hated it. She hated it even though she knew it had no choice in being born. Worse yet, how could she face JD knowing that she had born his father's child, even if she manage to somehow endure the pregnancy and then give it away? The child born would be his brother! The nightmare of it was more than she could stand and suddenly in the face of all that turmoil, Alex's solution became less and less repellant.
That was why she found herself entering the clinic, hoping once again that Alex was alone so that she could tell that doctor what decision she had come to. She hoped that Alex would have the right words to chase away her doubts but somehow, she knew better. Seeing how difficult it had been for Alex to reveal to her the procedure in the first place, made Casey realise that Alex was almost in as much turmoil as she although in varying degree. Casey picked her moment to visit Alex carefully, ensuring that it was in the late afternoon when most people were hurrying home for supper or the saloon, whatever one's predilection might be.
Casey entered the clinic and immediately deduced that Alex was upstairs instead of being in her clinic. She almost debated the idea of going home because she really did not want to tell Alex her decision especially if Vin was around. What she had to discuss with the doctor was things for women to talk about, not men. They did not understand and though she was a young woman with a great deal of living to do in front of her despite the tragic turn of it at late, she had learnt that much already. Fortunately she heard only sounds of movement from above and not actual voices which gave Casey the encouragement she needed to make the rest of way up the stairs that lead to the Tanner's residence.
"Casey." Alex exclaimed when she saw the young woman enter her kitchen. Vin was due home soon and Alex had been in the midst of preparing supper when Casey made her appearance. Inwardly, Alex did not know whether or not she was happy to see her or not.
"Hi Alex," Casey offered a little smile that had none of the warmth and was for her benefit only, Alex realised.
For a few minutes, they went through the niceties, making inquiries after each other's kin, catching up on local gossip and talking about the large family they were apart of, anything really to avoid the subject that had been reason for this visit. When Alex had sat across Casey at the table, she tried to forget the image of the young girl who had almost committed suicide a number of days ago because her agony and her turmoil had been so great. Casey exhibited no signs of such distress but Alex knew the facade was only skin deep.
"How you been Casey?" Alex asked and suddenly, their conversation moved into that dark place that neither dared to broach until now.
"I've been okay," Casey answered honestly. "I haven't tried to do anything foolish, if that's what you mean."
It was what she meant but Alex did not want Casey to think that Alex thought she was a basket case. Too much of what frightened the girl so much about her condition was what people would think about her. Alex would spare her that. "I was worried about you Casey, not about that."
"I'm sorry," Casey returned after a moment. Alex had been the one person in all this that she could rely on, no matter what. She did not want to lash out at the doctor because she was angry at her own situation. "I'm still getting sick in the mornings but I'm managing to hide it. I don't know how long it will be before I have to tell Aunt Nettie."
Even as she said it, Alex saw her shudder visibly and knew that for Casey, that moment would almost be as terribly at telling JD. "Do you want me to give you something for it? At least until you've made up your mind?" Alex asked gently, wanting to help in any way.
"No," she shook her head slowly. "I've made up my mind Alex."
Alex held her breath as she waited for Casey's answer. For a brief instance she almost hoped the young girl was going to turn down the offer for the procedure. If Casey did that then it was out of her hands and that was all there was to it. "And?"
"I want to do it."
And there it was. The last vestiges of sanity that bound her to safety were severed with those five little words and yet she knew she had walked into this situation willingly. She had offered Casey a solution to her problems and now that the girl had accepted it, there was no turning back. "Are you sure?"
"No?" Casey retorted. "I'm not sure about anything but I know I don't have a choice."
"Casey," Alex started to speak, uncertain whether or not it was wise to convince her otherwise.
"No Alex," she said almost sharply. "I can't be any more certain then that. I don't know how I'll live with this when its done or whether, if I can live with it at all but the only thing I am sure of is that I can't have this baby. I can't imagine it and I won't do it. I won't have a child and have to tell JD someday that it's his brother, that I gave birth to a child that was Blackwood's. If this turns out to be the wrong decision, if I suffer for the rest of my life because of it, its still got to be better than knowing that I had that bastard's child."
"Okay," Alex conceded defeat and knew that for Casey, that was as much assurance as the young woman could manage at this time.
The silence continued again with both speaking for a while as the decision was made and both of them came to grips with what that would mean to both of them.
"When can you do it?" Casey asked meekly.
"The sooner the better," the doctor said automatically. "Preferably before anyone suspects that you might be pregnant. What we are doing is extremely illegal. If it is even suspect, we could both find ourselves in jail."
"Alex are you afraid?" She looked at Alex.
"Yes," Alex nodded, not about to lie. Where they existed at the moment was in a crucible where all else had been burnt away and what remained was an unmasked truth. "I am afraid that I made a mistake by telling you I could do this. I'm afraid that I might make a mistake during the surgery and that I might hurt you and if not, of getting caught, of losing my license, of going to jail, I'm afraid of a lot of things." Her voice started to crack a little and the brave front she had been attempting to show the young woman crumbled slightly. "However, nothing frightens me more than failing you or having you hurt yourself because you're forced to have this child. Nothing scares me more than that."
"Oh Alex!" Casey crossed the room and was suddenly in her arms weeping. "I'm scared and I don't know what else to do. Your way seems the best even though I'm scared to death of it. I'm not sure about anything but I can't see any other way and I don't want to if you can just make it all go away like you said. I'll live with what I have to live, just please make it gone!"
Alex listened to that heartfelt plea and knew that she was helpless in its grip. She had made a promise to Casey and now it was time to deliver.
God help them both
Chris strode into the saloon and found Nathan and Josiah still there, no doubt discussing the situation with Ezra following the terrible exchange earlier on. By now, the Standish Tavern was starting to fill again and the gunslinger made a discreet return to the table where the two men were presently seated. Josiah and Nathan could immediately tell by the grim expression on Chris' face that there had been a new development in the unfolding crisis with Ezra and hoped that it could not be any worse than what they had to face already.
"What's happened?" Josiah asked.
"He's gone." Chris said quietly. "Packed up his things from the boarding house and took off."
"Hell!" Nathan swore, unable to believe that this was anything but his fault. He should not have said anything to Chris! He should have tried harder to help the gambler and keep this private. It was not Ezra running off the feared the healer so much but rather what he would do once he was alone. Would he attempt to take his life?
"How long?" Josiah spoke in the face of Nathan's obvious panic. "Can we catch up to him?"
"I think if we get riding straight away, we might." Chris retorted. "Josiah I want you to stay here in case he comes back."
"I doubt he will," the preacher retorted immediately. "He's running on anger and shame, it can drive a man far away."
"We don't know that for sure," Chris replied. "Ezra's always been a puzzle. He never does anything he's supposed to do and thinking you have him pegged is about the biggest mistake anyone can make about him. I want you to stay put not just for him but for Julia too, she liable to ride after him in the state she's in."
"What about us?" Nathan asked, thinking he already knew the answer to that question.
"We're going to find him." Chris said standing up. "We're not coming back until we do."
Nathan was grateful for that and was more than ready to follow Chris when the gunslinger rose to his feet again. Both men strode out of the Standish Tavern leaving Josiah behind, confident that the preacher would be capable of keeping things discreet if Ezra should return, as unlikely as it might seem to all of them at the time. Ezra had an hour's start on them so they had not time to lose as they made their way to the livery. The truth was three years of residence in the area had made Ezra extremely adept at losing himself in the Territory if he wished and although Chris did not voice it, Nathan knew that the leader of the seven was worried that they might not find him.
"What's on your mind Nathan?" Chris asked suddenly, jarring him out of his thoughts.
"I'm worried about Ezra." Nathan replied as they continued their brisk pace towards the livery.
"I'm worried about Ezra too but not in the same way that you are." The blond man pointed out, his steel gaze fixed on Nathan, dissecting with that infamous glare that seemed capable of drawing the truth from even the most persistent liar.
"I'm scared we won't find him." Nathan confessed, yielding under that relentless stare that seemed to look straight into his soul without mercy.
"Its possible that he could go to ground but doubtful." Chris stated, still eyeing him cautiously still disbelieving that was the entire cause of Nathan's anxiety. "He ain't that got that much of a start on us and even if we did lose him, Vin will pick him up."
"I ain't worried about not finding Chris," Nathan whispered softly, unable to even imagine the real reason for his fear even thought it impressed itself so strongly upon his psyche that Nathan could hardly breathe for the possibility of it coming true. "I'm just worried about finding him alive."
Chris nodded slowly as if he had considered that but was trying not to think too much on it because he could stand it no more than Nathan could. "It won't get that far." He said firmly as if he needed to believe himself.
"I shouldn't have said nothing." Nathan shook his head. "I should have tried to help him and not said anything!"
"Nathan!" Chris barked. "We don't have time for this." The gunslinger said with enough intensity for it to penetrate. "We need to find him now before it is too late!"
"I'm sorry Chris," Nathan apologized, unable to stand being so helpless. When he saw someone hurt, he knew instantly how to make them feel better but in this instance he could not simply remedy the solution with the knowledge at his disposal. "I feel responsible for this."
"If it makes you feel any better," Chris met his gaze sympathetically "We're all responsible."
It might have been true but it did not help.
Ezra Standish looked at the bottle of liquor he had purchased prior to leaving town and took another swig. The amber liquid rushed down his gullet and quickly found itself welcomed in the pit of his stomach. The gambler eased back into the loft full of hay inside the barn and continued working his way through the bottle quite prepared to drink himself into oblivion if need be. His state of mind was such at this time that he really did not care how he got there as long as he did. He was well and truly inebriated now but still prided himself a little at the selection of his hiding place. Ever since Neil Blackwood's cohorts had razed the Wilmington home to the ground Buck had been spending his time between the Lucky Seven ranch and the rebuilding of the home. In the interim, much to Inez's chagrin the family had been residing in the rooms above the saloon.
The barn on the property however, remained very much intact.
He wondered if the others were searching for him and supposed that if they should make the effort, they would not consider this place in a million years. Certainly his undertakings prior to leaving town would ensure that their search would extend beyond the immediate perimeters of Four Corners. Ezra did not care where they went as long as they did not find him during the next few hours. He had considered penning a note to Julia but wondered what would be the point. She knew his humiliation now and no doubt once her sympathy dwindled and her doubts set in, she would be grateful to see the back of him. Chris Larabee would feel the same way, once he got around to remembering to look at Ezra in that way which always told the gambler that he was only a member of the seven because the others tolerated him and not because he was a part of the fellowship.
He looked at the derringer in his hand and decided that he did not like the idea of using such a small projectile. It might not kill him and surviving a bullet to the brain would leave him at the mercy of others if he did not die. No, he had enough of relying on people to risk that. With fingers clumsy from too much drink, Ezra unfastened the small weapon from the harness under his sleeve and let it fall onto the hay. He reached instead for the gun nestled in his holster and admired for a moment the Remington that had saved his life more times than he could count. He let his unsteady fingers caress the steel and then thought almost involuntarily that this time it would do the same thing, saving his life by ending it.
He emptied the chamber of all but one bullet and spun it, allowing that single projectile to become lost in a blur of color and movement. His eyes unsteady from the drink lost sight of it soon enough and once the click click sound of the chamber spinning evaporated into nothingness, he eased back into the coat he had lain on the hay covered loft and stared at the ceiling, the gun still in his grip. Ezra took another swig of whiskey and felt it strengthen his resolve to do what he had intended when he had found himself this secluded place. The alcohol dulled the ache inside of him and it was a feeling he longed to feel with permanence.
He should have said goodbye to Julia.
Blinking, involuntary tears filled his eyes for the one person who had loved him unconditionally, who knew what he was and thought him to be wonderful nonetheless. When he was with her, he was the man he could be, not the one that had trouble looking at himself in the mirror sometimes. God, he loved her. Ever since that moment she had first tried to scheme her way into his heart, he knew that he had met his match and everything else seemed unimportant in that face of that realisation. The last year or more than she had been in his life had been nothingness than blissful and even during the hard times; she had been there for him. It was that he loved her so much that he could not put her through this. When he had struck her, he finally sunk his lowest.
He had become the animal that Julius had raped to create.
This was Hannibal's revenge. Not the shame of being taken like a woman or even the humiliation of having that disgrace known to his friends but rather the disintegration of the person he was into a stranger that was ready to gamble with his life and strike women. He wished he could say that he was brave enough to prove his abuser wrong but Ezra could not. He could not even look himself in the mirror. When only Nathan had known, Ezra thought he might be able to stand it but to hear that Chris, of all people, was privy to his secret had been too much for him. Then Chris had done the unimaginable and told Josiah and then Julia was staring at him like something to be pitied. God, he wanted to die.
Ezra shoved the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.
The chamber clicked but the bullet he expected did not come. Another empty click followed and for the moment he had beaten the odds. He could not face them, not with them knowing. Would Josiah tell Maude? He had wondered about that. The preacher would be meddlesome enough to think that having his dear mother here would some how help him. Ezra was already enough of a disappointment to her, she did not need to know that her son had been taken as well. Swallowing another mouthful of whiskey, Ezra took a deep breath and pulled the trigger and again, nothing happened.
His luck was still with him. He wondered for how long. For once he wished it would go away. He wished the torture would just end with an explosion of sound and darkness swallowing him whole. He wanted it badly, could taste is as prolifically as he could taste the tang of whiskey on this tongue. All it took was one bullet for it all to dissolve into nothingness. He wanted the memories to end, the ones that kept him drinking until his mind was so foggy that he could feel nothing. Not even sleep protected him from them because in his nightmares, Julius was there to, reminding of the pain and the horror while in the background Chris Larabee watched and taunted. While they all watched and taunted.
He pulled the trigger again and still death eluded him.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, a disjointed voice was trying to make itself heard these last few minutes, the whisper that found its voice at the most peculiar moments in his life. He remembered it speaking when he had ridden away from the Seminole village when it looked as if the battle there was lost. He had gotten on his horse and ridden for his life, thinking that chivalry was not worth his life. He would have kept going too if not for that voice that told him to stop and think about he was doing. It came from deep inside of him and its wisdom though rare was golden. He had gone back, braving Chris' anger in the aftermath with that voice telling him to stay because the six men who became the closest friends he had ever had in his life, was worth staying for.
It had been until Julius ruined and forced him to pull the trigger again. The audible click of the empty chamber forced him deeper into his memories about the seven. From the family he had found to the woman he loved. Fortune had followed him even though it was not in the form of financial riches. He had gained much. There were people in his life and until one had lived his life largely as an outcast, could not truly appreciate how precious a thing it truly was.
He had not even realised that he was weeping until he pulled the trigger once more, not realizing until hearing that penultimate click that he did not really want to die. The sound impacted through his psyche and brought the tears that should have come long before this. He had beaten the odds and he knew that next time he pulled the trigger that winning streak would end. He sat there for who know how long exuding his sorrow in loud ragged sobs not only of anger but of remorse for all that he had lost and wondered how far he would have to fall before he found it again. The gun fell from his hand onto the hay without Ezra even noticing it.
The sound of metal even dulled by the soft strands of hay was still sharp and when it hit the floorboards, seemed to shake something loose inside his head. Something that perhaps had been waiting for a little bit of shaking to finally make itself felt within him. Ezra straightened up at the sound and his head started to throb with the hangover he knew was coming. For a few lingering seconds, he did not know where he was. He knew he was inside Buck Wilmington's barn but everything beyond that. That insistence voice inside him took the opportunity to speak again, perhaps realizing that he was reaching a watershed moment and it was now or never.
Almost in a daze, he picked up the gun and stared at it. The last slot in the chamber was the bullet that would kill him if he pulled the trigger. He had played six to one odds and so far managed to keep his brains firmly tucked within his skull. The question is; the voice asked now that it had his attention, how did he want to play the next hand? In last few seconds, Ezra had come to the understanding that he had a choice to make, one that could be settled with terrifying finality by a single bullet. This was the place he had been driven ever since Hannibal Julius had exacted his terrible vengeance. It was a simple question for a very complex issue once the emotional side of it could be forgotten for a spell.
Did he want to live?
It was that easy, requiring a one-word answer that would decided everything to give him some idea of how to go on from this point forward. He needed that guidance. All his life Ezra had been a man comfortable with keeping the situation under control, in always playing the odds because he had a fair idea of the outcome. When the odds were not in his favor, he changed them because that was the secret of the game, you see, in daring to try. What happened with Julius had placed him in a situation he could not control. When he had been tortured and nearly killed by Sekhmet, Ezra had been as similarly helpless and with worse injuries then he had suffered at Julius' hand but it had been different. Angry and shaken as he had been by the experience, he had not been humiliated, had not been driven to the point of despair that he was now. It was always about control. Controlling his situation and his emotions and in this instance he could do neither.
Yes, he wanted to live. He did not know if he could do it in Four Corners or as a member of the seven but he did want to see tomorrow and every day that came after it. He made another decision at that instant and it came far more easily than all the others that proceeded it. Before he could get on with his life, before he could even begin to return to anything resembling the semblance of it, he had one task to do first and there would be no compromise in his accomplishing this. Nothing else would matter until it was done, not the seven, not even Julia. Nothing.
He was going to kill Hannibal Julius.
Even though she had no intention of betraying Casey's confidence to anyone else after Mary, Alex knew that the decision she had made to help Casey would not simply effect herself or the young woman if anything went wrong, but also her husband. Alex hated hiding things from Vin. However, she could not deny the possibility that if news of what she had done reached the authorities, she could be facing a jail term. It was far more likely for any court of law to find her culpable than Casey not simply because of the girl's age but also because she was white. The consequences to herself would be extreme if she found himself charged with performing the procedure. On that basis, she had no choice but to at least tell Vin something about what she was doing, even if it was in the vaguest sense of the word.
Alex waited until he returned home later that day, when supper was ready to be served. He had spent most of afternoon at the ranch taking care of things there since Chris had told him this morning that he had some personal matters to tend to that could not wait. Vin had not minded going with Buck to tend to their joint business venture because he loved being away from town whenever the opportunity allowed for it. Despite living in Four Corners for the past three years, the need for wide-open spaces had never really left Vin Tanner. He was still very much a creature of the wild and she loved him even more because he would always be that way.
"Hey darling," he came up behind her upon entering the house and planted a lingering kiss on her neck as she put the finishing touches to the meal she had prepared. Vin took deep breaths of the aroma in the kitchen, always loving how the room smelled at this time of the day. Sometimes the scent would soak into the walls and would stay with them for days. It was one of the little things he loved most about married life and wondered how he could have lived any other way.
"Hey cowboy." She smiled turning her head just enough to meet his cobalt colored eyes with an affection look. "How was the ranch today?"
"Pretty good," he answered as he tried to reach into the pot to steal a morsel and succeeded in having his fingers slapped lightly away by her. "I think the mare is going to foal soon." He replied drawing away to the table where routine dictated that he set the table since she cooked.
"How's the house coming along?" Alex asked as she transplanted the contents of the pot into a casserole dish.
"Getting there," Vin replied as he set the table. "A couple of weeks and we can actually move in there."
"Really?" She raised her eyes to meet his for confirmation on this fact. The building of their home like everything else in the life of the Magnificent Seven was a group effort. The lawmen had alternated their weekends and spare time from putting the finishing touches to the house at the ranch and with providing Buck Wilmington and his family with a home after a fire had destroyed their last one.
"Yeah," he grinned, happy to see that she was pleased about this. He had been a little concerned that perhaps she was not as eager to move out of town as he was. After all, this place had been her home since she had arrived in Four Corners and had been venue for many fond memories for both of them. "You okay about that?"
"You know I think I am," she smiled. "I think I'd like to move into a place that will always be ours, you know not just mine first and then yours but something that we started in together."
Vin liked the idea of that himself. He knew next to nothing about building a home when he started out constructing their own at the ranch but he knew he wanted it to be perfect, not only as a place to spend the rest of their lives but also where she could practice medicine as well. He was extraordinarily proud that she was a doctor because he had seen first hand how many people she helped, whose lives she had saved including his own. He never wanted her to stop being one and would make whatever accommodation necessary in their future together to ensure that she would always be a healer.
They held each other's gaze for a moment, in that familiar wistful way that always made his blood boil under his skin and sent tingles through him that made him want to take her where she stood and make love to her all day. Suddenly, he saw something in her brown eyes that brushed all those warm thoughts filled with desire right away, a little shimmer of doubt he was certain spelt trouble even though he could not imagine what that trouble might be. Still she was a woman known for her common sense and practical nature. Being a doctor demanded nothing else and she did not worry about things lightly.
"What is it?" He found himself asking.
Alex swallowed. "Do you love me?"
The question surprised him because she ought to know by everything that he held dear and holy, that she was the most precious thing in the world to him. There was nothing he would not do for her, any lengths he would not go to keep her. She was his wife, his friend and lover but more importantly, she was the other half of his heart and soul. Without her, he would not know how to go, he did not even think he would wish to. "You know I do." He said firmly, starting to worry.
"Do you trust me then?" She asked instead.
That too was also an absolute. "Of course I do." He retorted. "What's going on?"
"I have to do something." She said after a long pause.
"What?" His brow furrowed as he stared at her, wondering why it was so hard for her to simply come out and say what was on her mind. He could see the conflict in her eyes and could not imagine what could be the cause of it even though he had noticed something in her manner of late that while did not worry him until now, made him wonder.
"I can't tell you." Alex answered in a voice that told him immediately that there would be no room for discussion on this point.
"Why?" He could not help but ask. They had never kept secrets from each other before. What made this was so important to be worth breaking that rule.
"I gave my word that I would not and it's a matter of doctor patient confidentiality, I simply can't tell you." She allowed him that much.
"Then why tell me at all?" He said impatiently.
"Someone I am treating is in a situation to which I can offer a solution. Its an illegal medical procedure and if anyone ever finds out that I performed it, I could lose my license to practice medicine or worst yet, I could go to jail."
Vin stared at her hard, trying to break down the walls of her silence but soon gave up because when her mind was made up, heaven and earth could not change it. So instead he thought about why she would be compelled do something that could jeopardize her career and her freedom. He did not have to think hard because he knew immediately why. Because she could and because whomever it was needed her help. It was that simple.
"Does it have to be done?" He asked. "There's no other way?"
"No," she shook her head slowly. "I've thought of everything else, it's this way or not at all."
"What are the chance of you being caught?" He asked carefully, trying not to make it any harder for her because Vin could see that this preyed heavily on her mind.
"Slight." She admitted readily. "I intend to do it here as soon as I can. I'd rather you not be in the house at the time, it will make my patient uncomfortable."
Vin thought carefully because that answered a few questions that he had thought to be nothing but incidental until this moment. "Is it Casey?"
Alex tried not to show her surprise but could not help herself. Nevertheless, she did not answer because she was still bound to remain silent.
"You don't have to say anything," Vin replied taking a step towards her. "The couple of times I've called in on Nettie I've seen how she's been. Also Nettie told me she'd been to town to visit and I kind of thought it was a might peculiar you not mentioning it. I didn't think much of it at the time but it makes sense to me now."
"Vin..." Alex started to say but he did not let her finish.
Instead he crossed the space between them and took her into his arms and held her tight. He did not know exactly what the problem with Casey was but he could guess. If it was what he suspected then he understood Alex's reason for doing what she had to and thought no more on it then that. Besides this was the business of women, something he as a man could never hope to understand nor did he want to. "Alex, you do what you have do and no matter what, I'll stand by you. I promise."
Alex blinked, feeling her eyes moistened with emotion. "Thank you," she whispered softly, as she buried her cheek into the crook of his shoulder and took comfort from him just being there. "I love you cowboy." She responded, her voice choked with emotion.
Vin smiled, breathing in the scent of her hair and answered with such as much sentiment. "I love you too Doc."
He had started riding shortly after dark.
His head started to throb a mile into the journey out of town and by the time he was far enough from Four Corners to consider turning back too much trouble, his head was pounding like there was a minor orchestra playing inside his head. Ezra told himself he should have gone back to Four Corners, he should have attempted to make some effort to mend the bridges he had broken today by leaving but a part of him could not take that step yet. He was going to find Julius. Until he did, he could not rest or begin to heal. Finding and killing Hannibal Julius was as much for himself as it was for the purpose of revenge. Ezra knew that until he completed that task, he could not get on with his life. He needed some kind of closure and if that closure meant playing executioner to Julius, then he would do gratefully.
The moon was high in the night sky when he heard the sounds.
Pulling up his horse immediately, he immediately sent Chaucer into the cover of some tall shrubbery. Below him, the land dipped into a conclave, laying out the terrain before him as if he were at a great height. He remained hidden for awhile watching to see who was out there. In the Territory it was never wise to simply impress yourself into a situation before knowing what was waiting for you. Ezra remained hidden, perfectly aware of how to do it without being noticed and watched carefully the group of riders in the distance. They were some way off but the full moon allowed him to see them clearly and one thing he learnt as soon as he strained his ears closely enough, was that they were not speaking English.
He had no idea what dialect it was they were speaking but there was no doubt in his mind that language being spoken about was definitely Indian in origin. He had heard enough of it to know what it sounded like even if he did not understand it. Ezra held his breath, his caution taking new intensity upon that realisation. After seeing Vin's uncanny ability to track first hand, to tell that someone was approaching when not even a sound was heard but rather making that estimation by the way the wind was blowing, Ezra knew he had every reason to be concerned. However, withdrawing hastily would draw as much attention as his trying to stay put and for the moment, the riders had yet to see him so he decided to remain with what was providing him with anonymity still.
He watched them in the moonlight, no more than a dozen, speaking in that language he could not discern, watching them conduct their conversation on horseback when a sudden glimmer of midnight illumination inspired his interest like nothing else had in days. He say the long sheeny darkness of almost raven colored hair and though she was dressed far more simply then when she had taken the stage as the hotel's star attraction, he knew without doubt that it was her. His gut tightened into a knot and suddenly, the hangover that had been plaguing him disappeared in one frothing bubble of rage.
Diana.
Ezra almost gasped when the name surfaced in his mind. The anger that came at knowing it was her down there was almost as fierce as the need to find Julius and tear out his heart, moment after he had torn something else of the man's. She was the one who had delivered him to Julius like a virgin unknowingly sold to a whoremaster. She had given him to Julius, knowing full well what the man had planned to do to him. The fury that Ezra felt was like a fire burning inside him. He would have ridden there immediately and made her pay if he had not channeled all that anger into something more constructive. He would remain hidden for now because if he gave into impulse and did what he wanted to do, like riding out there and shooting her dead, her companions would kill him before he reached her. No, he would be patient and wait her out. Her master was Hannibal Julius and eventually she would lead Ezra to him.
Then he would kill them both.