This story was co-written by my friend Christy and was born from a series of 'what if' messages that we had sent back and forth. We finally decided we had come up with enough ideas for a hopefully humorous look at an episode in the lives of Ezra, his 'dear' mother Maude, and the rest of the Seven. We hope you find this little story as funny as we did when we were writing it. Hope you enjoy it! Jean and Christy.
Disclaimer: We do not own or claim any rights to the Magnificent Seven characters; Mirisch, Trilogy, and MGM have that privilege.
Maude was beginning to think her idea of visiting Ezra right now was a mistake. The stage ride had been hot and uncomfortable and seemed to be taking forever. She didn't remember it as being this long the last time she visited, but then again she hadn't been as miserable and uncomfortable as she was now. She fanned herself continually, trying to forestall the hot flashes that kept washing over her. Her doctor in St. Louis had told her it was all perfectly natural for a woman her age. Humph... a woman her age... she couldn't possibly be old enough for this to be happening. He had warned her about other side effects she would be experiencing, but so far the hot flashes were the only ones she'd noticed... thank goodness... they were bad enough as it was.
She had thought maybe a visit to her son would take her mind off all this change of life nonsense, but so far it had just made it worse. Hopefully, things would be better when she finally arrived in Four Corners. A nice visit with Ezra, a few games of poker, and she'd be right as rain again. Now if they would just hurry up and get there so that she could get out of this miserably hot stagecoach.
Ezra paced back and forth in front of the saloon. Lord, now why was Mother coming to town? Another attempt to get him to go back to St. Louis with her he supposed. She definitely did not approve of his new job as peacekeeper for the town and she approved of his friends even less. Oh, she was nice enough to them when she was here, but that was only for appearances. She had told him countless times that he could do so much better than living here, risking his life with a bunch of ruffians, which was how she constantly referred to the other six men.
Well, he'd find out soon enough. The stage was due to arrive in town within the hour.
Maude glanced at the nice young couple who were the only other occupants of the coach. My... she hadn't noticed when they'd first gotten on how handsome the young man was... maybe this was the distraction she needed to get her through this interminable ride. She struck up a conversation with the couple, focusing on the husband with an intensity that surprised even her.
By the time they finally arrived in Four Corners, Maude was leaning forward showing quite an indecent amount of cleavage, patting the young man's leg as she talked. The couple hurried off the stage as soon as it came to a halt, almost knocking Ezra over in their haste to get away from Maude. Ezra stared after them, wondering what could possibly have caused the frantic looks on their faces, then turned and looked suspiciously at Maude as he helped her down from the coach.
"Ezra darlin', how are you?" Maude greeted her son with a hug and a kiss.
"Fine, Mother." He gave her a peck on the cheek and reached up for the first of her many pieces of luggage.
Chris, Vin and JD were sitting in front of the jail talking when the stage pulled up. It was obvious Maude was on the stage considering the mountain of luggage that was piled on top.
"Poor old Ezra. Two visits from Maude in one month... I don't know if his nerves'll be able to handle another one." Vin laughed, remembering the last time she'd come to town. Ezra'd thought he'd gotten her married off and out of his hair, but she'd run out on the wedding at the last minute.
"You gotta admit one thing though, it's never boring when she's in town," Chris said as he watched Maude come around the end of the stage and head in their direction.
The three men smiled at Maude as she approached and JD jumped up andoffered her his seat.
"Nonsense, JD... sit back down there. I'm sure Mr. Larabee won't mind if I share his." And while Chris froze in shock, she plopped herself in his lap. She put her arms around him and leaned over to delicately sniff his neck. "My you smell good... what kind of aftershave is that you're wearing?"
Chris just stared at her, unable to answer. His mind was trying to come to terms with the fact that Maude Standish... Ezra's mother... was sitting in his lap with her face buried in his neck!
Maude didn't even seem to notice that he hadn't answered her as her focus switched to Vin, who was sitting in the chair next to Chris.
"And how have you been, Vin? Well I hope," Maude asked as she reached over and placed her hand on his leg.
Vin's jaw dropped as he felt her hand squeezing his leg and it was all he could do to answer her.
"Um... fine, ma'am... just fine."
Maude nodded at him and swivelled her head to look at JD who promptly jumped up, and mumbling some excuse about wanted posters, practically ran down the street and into the telegraph office.
Once Ezra managed to balance all the luggage in his arms, he turned to ask Maude if she was ready... but she was nowhere to be seen. He staggered around the end of the stagecoach, looked across the street to see if his mother had gone on ahead to the hotel and promptly dropped the luggage. Maude was across the street in front of the jail... sitting in Chris Larabee's lap!
Ezra gathered the luggage back up and carried it over to where Maude was still perched on the gunslinger's lap, her hand still resting on Vin's leg. Ezra took in the stunned looks on his friends' faces and his own reddened in embarrassment.
"Mother, what in heaven's name are you doing?" Ezra asked.
"Just sitting here talking with your friends. And why haven't you taken my luggage to the hotel yet?" Maude frowned at him and slowly removed herself from Chris' lap. "Sorry, gentlemen... I guess I have to take my inconsiderate son and lead him to the hotel. I'll see y'all later, I promise." And with a suggestive wink, turned and headed down the boardwalk, aggressively swinging her hips to and fro.
Ezra stared after her in amazement and then looked at his friends. They were both staring at him as if waiting for some explanation for his mother's bizarre behavior. He opened his mouth... but then just closed it again and with a confused shake of his head, gathered up the luggage and followed slowly after Maude.
Chris looked at Vin and after a moment said, "What the hell just happened?"
Vin stared at Maude's retreating figure and slowly shook his head. "Damned if I know."
Ezra struggled to get all the bags through Maude's door and dropped them on the floor, flexing his cramped fingers as he stared curiously at his mother. She was flinging open the windows and frantically removing her cloak and hat at the same time.
"Mother... are you all right?" he asked as she flung herself on the edge of the bed and began fanning herself.
"Why of course I am, son... it's just warm in here, that's all." Maude continued to fan herself, desperately trying to cool her overheated body. She patted the bed beside her and said, "Sit down here Ezra, and tell me how you've been."
Ezra cautiously sat down and looked closely at her, taking in her flushed face and rapid breathing. "Are you sure you're not ill? You look like you might be feverish."
"I'm fine, Ezra... just a little overheated and tired from that long stage ride." She sat beside him for a few minutes, not really saying anything.
Suddenly she jumped up, startling Ezra and grabbed his arm, ushering him to the door and out into the hall. "Why don't you wait for me downstairs while I freshen up, son... and then you can escort me to dinner and we'll have a nice long talk."
And before Ezra could react, she slammed the door in his face. He stood staring at the door in bewilderment, totally confused by Maude's erratic behavior. He reached for the doorknob, hesitated and then changed his mind and let his hand drop to his side. Ezra decided it might be better to wait and talk to her over dinner. Maybe a hot meal for her and a few good stiff drinks for him would make it easier to discuss what was troubling her, at least he sincerely hoped so.
Ezra sat in the lobby of the hotel, idly twirling his hat as he waited for Maude to join him. He wished she would hurry, it was getting late and he was getting hungry. He was also anxious to talk to her about her behavior since she'd arrived in town... there was obviously something wrong and he was determined to get her to tell him what it was.
"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, son. You must be starved by now," Maude said as she descended the stairs.
'Finally' Ezra thought as he placed his hat on his head and moved toward the stairs. "It's about time, I'm..." Ezra's words stuck in his throat as he raised his head and came face to face with Maude's indecently exposed bosom. She was wearing a deep purple dress that was cut so low it left absolutely nothing to the imagination.
Maude watched as Ezra's face slowly began to match the color of her dress and saw the horrified look in his eyes when he looked up at her. "Why whatever's wrong, dear?"
"Mother... you aren't... you can't possibly..." Ezra stammered, as he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. Then he turned and looked at Maude's face, anything to keep his eyes away from the sight of his mother's abundant cleavage. He couldn't believe it... she had a look of total confusion on her face. "I'll wait while you go change into something more... appropriate."
"More appropriate? What's wrong with what I have on?" Maude looked down and then back at Ezra.
"What's wrong with it?! For heaven's sake, Mother... your... it's..." Ezra sighed in exasperation and leaned forward to whisper, "It's indecent, Mother. Your... um... bosoms are showing."
"Well, of course they are, son," Maude agreed as she took Ezra's arm and began to lead him out of the hotel. "There's nothing wrong with a woman showing a little cleavage. Now come along, I'm really very hungry and I was hoping to get in a poker game or two after dinner."
"A 'little' cleavage?! I've never..." then he stopped as he realized she was heading for the street. "Where are you going? I thought we were dining here at the hotel?"
"Oh, Ezra... it's too stuffy and quiet. I'd rather go to the saloon where your friends are... maybe they'd like to join us for dinner." And with that statement, she proceeded to drag Ezra out of the hotel and down the street to the saloon.
Ezra was too surprised to offer any resistance, and had to practically run to keep up with her as she hurried down the boardwalk.
Chris, Buck, JD and Nathan had just ordered their meals when Maude burst through the doors, dragging Ezra behind her. She spotted the four men and releasing her grip on Ezra's arm, rushed over to their table. The men stared, open-mouthed as she grabbed a chair, squeezed it in between Buck and JD and planted big, wet kisses on both of their cheeks before she sat down.
"Hi, boys... we thought we'd join you for dinner. Well, sit down Ezra... don't just stand their with your mouth hanging open," Maude said when she noticed he was still standing where she'd left him by the doors. Ezra slowly walked over and sat down next to Nathan, looking sheepishly around the table at the other men. Every one of them was trying to keep their shocked eyes away from the sight of Maude's ample bosom. Chris was scowling at him as if Maude's behavior was his fault... Buck was still smiling at Maude, but his eyes shot a questioning look at Ezra as if to ask him what the heck was going on... and JD just sat and stared desperately around the room, his eyes opened wide in shock and his face red with embarrassment. Finally Ezra turned his gaze on Nathan and saw the healer studying Maude carefully and made a mental note to himself to talk to him later. Maybe he would be able to enlighten him as to the cause of his mother's bizarre behavior. Just then his eyes caught a fleeting glimpse of Vin as he started through the batwing doors. The tracker took one look at Maude sitting between Buck and JD, made a quick u-turn and ran out of the saloon.
"Why, hello Inez... how is the business going?" Maude asked when the young woman came over to give the men more coffee and take Maude and Ezra's orders.
"Excellent, Mrs..." Inez froze as she looked at the other woman and saw the outrageously indecent dress she was wearing.
"Yow!!! Inez!" Chris yelled as he jumped up, hot coffee running off the table and into his lap.
Inez looked down and saw the coffee spilling everywhere and quickly jerked the pot back up. She'd been so shocked by Maude's appearance, she'd completely overflowed Chris' cup.
"Oh... I am so sorry, Chris..." Inez grabbed a towel off the bar and began to clean up the mess she'd made. She jumped aside when Maude snatched the towel out of her hands and reached across Buck to wipe at the coffee that was soaking into the front of Chris' pants. Buck's face turned bright red and he shot his gaze quickly to the ceiling to avoid staring at Maude's exposed breasts which were now right under his nose. JD took advantage of the woman's attentions to Chris to make his get away... leaping out of his chair and running out of the saloon. Chris looked down at Maude and then over at Ezra, who plunked his elbows on the table and slowly lowered his head into his hands, totally humiliated by his mother's actions.
Chris backed quickly out of her reach before she embarrassed them both. "That's all right, Maude... I'll just go on home and change. Don't worry about it." And shooting one last glare at Ezra's bowed head, hurried out of the saloon.
Maude sat back in her chair and Buck breathed a sigh of relief as he looked back down at the table. He saw Ezra staring down at the table, head in his hands and started to smile at the gambler's obvious discomfort, but the smile froze on his face as he felt Maude place her hand on his leg. He shot another quick look at Ezra to see if he was watching and then glanced over at Maude. She winked at him and squeezed his leg, slid her hand a little farther up and squeezed again. Buck looked at her and smiled, becoming aroused in spite of himself. 'She is a damn fine looking woman' he thought and then glanced back across the table and saw Ezra scowling at him. The thought of the gambler's reaction to him even thinking of doing anything with his mother was enough to make Buck slide out of his chair and out from under Maude's roaming hand. He glanced apologetically at Ezra and mumbled something about going to find JD as he hurried out of the saloon.
"Good bye, Buck!" Maude called after him, waggling her fingers at him when he glanced back at her. "Well, it looks like it'll be just the three of us for dinner."
Nathan had just taken a swallow of coffee when Maude turned and focused her attention on him. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw the strange gleam in hers and he hurriedly slapped his cup back down on the table and stood up.
"Sorry, ma'am... Ezra... but I've got a... um... patient back in the clinic that I need to see to." He gave Ezra a look of sympathy and left.
Ezra glanced at his mother just in time to see her winking at the elderly gentleman sitting at the next table. "Mother... will you stop!" he whispered as the man smiled widely at Maude.
"Ezra... whatever is wrong with you... you've done nothing but scowl and grumble at me since I got to town. You almost act like you're not glad to see me," Maude complained as she looked at him in confusion. She had no idea why her son was acting this way, but she was definitely getting tired of it.
"Mother... I..." Ezra looked down at the table, trying to think of a way to approach the subject of her lascivious behavior without angering her. "You're behavior since..." He stopped in mid-sentence when he looked up and found Maude gone. Frantically his eyes scanned the saloon. He groaned as he spotted her at a table in the corner, surrounded by men, laughing and dealing out cards. He rose to go get her, but decided maybe it was safer to let her have her poker game and just keep an eye on her. It might at least keep her occupied for the evening, and hopefully she would get so involved in fleecing the men, that she would forget about flirting with them.
Ezra sighed, grabbed a bottle of whiskey and a glass from the bar, and settled himself at a table close enough to Maude to be able to hear and see what she was doing. He pulled out his deck of cards and began a game of solitaire, keeping one eye on his mother as he played. 'Lord, will this day never end!' he thought as he slumped in his chair and poured himself a drink.
He'd been sitting there for hours and had given up on solitaire and was just idly shuffling his cards, staring off into space. Suddenly some of what they were saying at the next table began to sink into his subconscious and he whipped his head around to stare at his mother.
"Well, I'll bet you my silk stockings," Maude said as she laughingly reached under the table and began pulling her dress up.
Ezra leaped out of his chair, overturning it and hurried over to his mother's table.
"All right, Mother... that's enough! I think it's time you retired for the evening. You must be exhausted after your long stage ride this morning. Come along." And before she could even utter a protest, Ezra had scooped her winnings into her bag, grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the saloon.
"Ezra Standish... you let go of me this instant!" Maude exclaimed as she struggled to pull her arm out of his grip, but when he turned his face to her, she quickly subsided... she couldn't remember ever having seen him quite that angry.
Ezra led her through the hotel and up to her room and stood in front of the door until she unlocked it and stepped inside. She turned to try to speak to him again, but stopped when she saw his scowling face.
"Get a good night's rest, Mother... and we'll talk about this in the morning." Ezra stared until she finally backed up and closed the door. He turned and slowly started making his way back to his room over the saloon, praying he didn't run into any of his friends along the way. The thought of facing them after the way Maude had practically attacked them all was more than he was able to handle right then.
Ezra entered his room, closed the door and wearily began to get ready for bed. He removed his coat and hat, unstrapped his various guns and carefully laid them on the dresser and then laid across his bed, simply too tired to finish undressing. It was only 10:30, much too early for the gambler to retire, but the effort of dealing with Maude all day had exhausted him. He was asleep almost immediately.
Ezra awoke suddenly and sat up on the edge of the bed. He pulled his pocket watch out and stared at it, trying to focus his bleary eyes on it. Midnight. He'd only been asleep a little over an hour. He looked around the room, trying to figure out what had woken him. He had a vague recollection of hearing someone yelling "yoooooo hooooo"... Ezra shook his head and decided he must have been having a strange dream. But it had seemed so darn real... since he was awake anyway he decided to go check on his mother, just to be on the safe side.
Vin had stayed in his wagon most of the evening trying to avoid any contact with Maude. One glimpse at the scene in the saloon was enough to convince him it was safer to just stay away from her. He had just started to drift off to sleep when he heard her... at least it sounded like her... although he had no idea why Maude would be going around calling "yoooooo hooooo". Vin eased his head over the end of the wagon and peeked out at the street. He didn't see anything at first, but then he saw her come out of the alley by the saloon... headed right for his wagon! "Oh... damn..." he mumbled as he reached up and closed the flap on the wagon, hurrying to get it secured before she got there. He jumped and almost fell when she suddenly knocked on the side of the wagon.
"Mr. Tanner... Vin?... are you awake?" Maude frowned in consternation... she thought sure she'd seen that flap open when she'd first come out of the alley.
Vin froze, not daring to hardly breathe for fear that she would realize he was awake. Finally, he heard her mumble something and move away from the wagon. He waited a few minutes then cautiously raised the flap just enough to look out. Maude was striding back down the street toward the saloon and was almost to the entrance when Vin saw her suddenly dart down the alley beside the building. He couldn't figure out what she was doing until he saw Ezra come walking out of the saloon. Vin watched him look around the street and then head in the direction of the hotel. As soon as he was of sight, Maude darted back out of the alley and into the saloon. Vin shook his head, feeling sorry for poor Ezra. It would be a miracle if the gambler survived Maude's visit this time.
Ezra hurried up the stairs to Maude's room and knocked on the door. "Mother?" he waited a few minutes and then tried the knob, frowning when it turned easily in his hand. He glanced inside, saw that his mother wasn't in her bed and turned and slammed back out of the room.
"I swear... I'm loading her on the next stage back to St. Louis..." Ezra mumbled as he stomped back down the stairs, ignoring the startled clerk behind the desk.
Meanwhile back in the saloon, Maude had spotted Buck standing at the bar talking to Inez. She walked up to him and put her hand on his shoulder, spinning the tall man around effortlessly and locking her lips on his. Inez just stared in shock as Maude ground herself against Buck who was trying desperately to push the woman away.
"Now... easy there, ma'am..." Buck gasped, finally managing to pry Maude off and moving out of her reach. "What if Ezra walked in here?... he'd shoot me for sure."
Maude frowned at the mention of her son. "Oh, he's just an old poop anyway... he can't stand to see me enjoying myself with his friends. Who cares what he thinks."
Buck side-stepped her as she moved in to put her arms around him again. "Well, I do, ma'am... I have to live here and work with him. I sure don't want him thinkin' I was after his mama."
"Don't tell me you're an old poop too, Buck... a big, strong, virile young man like you," Maude purred as she inched closer to him.
Buck looked to Inez for help, saw she was too busy trying not to laugh and started backing around the bar towards the door leading out into the alley. "No, I'm not and old poop... but there's just some lines you don't cross... and messin' with a friend's mama is sure one of 'em."
Buck saw the glint in her eye and turned and ran out the door, Maude hot on his heels.
Ezra stood on the boardwalk in front of the hotel, his eyes scanning the street for any sign of Maude. Spotting Josiah standing in front of the church, he hurried over.
"Josiah... you haven't seen my mother by any chance, have you?" Ezra asked, as he took in the preacher's disheveled appearance and look of confusion and realized he must have just gotten out of bed.
"Um... no, Ezra... I haven't," Josiah mumbled while looking up and down the street. "Did you hear something a minute ago... a strange noise... kind of sounded like loons calling across a distant lake."
Ezra thought back to the vague memory he'd had upon awakening of someone yelling "yoooooo hooooo" and got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "No... it must have just been the wind."
Josiah scratched his head and walked back into the church as Ezra hurried down the street in search of his mother, thinking 'what in heaven's name did I do to deserve this'.
Maude had lost sight of Buck as he turned a corner into the darkness and after some searching had decided to give up and return to her room. Exhaustion had finally set in from the trip and she blew out the lamp, climbed into bed without even undressing, head hit the pillow.
Nathan had just returned from checking on a young woman who was close to her birthing time, and had seen Maude walk into the hotel. He'd stayed in the shadows of the clinic, hoping she wouldn't turn and spot him and had sighed with relief when she'd entered the hotel without even looking around. Just as he started up the stairs stopped to wait as the gambler hurried down the street toward him.
"Mr. Jackson, you didn't happen to see my mother tonight, did you?" Ezra asked as he approached the healer.
"Yeah... I just saw her goin' in the hotel a few minutes ago." He stared at the harried expression Ezra had on his face and put his hand on the gambler's arm. "Have you talked to your mama about her... um... problem?"
Ezra stared at him, wondering if he knew what her problem was but not knowing how to ask. "Um... well... not exactly..." he said and then decided he needed to talk to someone about this whole mess with his mother and asked, "Could you enlighten me as to the... er... nature of her problem?"
Nathan looked at his friend's face, reddened with embarrassment, and knew how hard it was for him to even admit his mother had a problem. "Well... seems to me she's actin' like she might be goin' through her change."
Ezra looked at him curiously. "Her change?" He thought for a minute and then his mouth dropped open in shock. "Her change!? Change of life? Mother?"
"Well, she's at the right age fer it... and an.... um... increased sexual appetite is one of the symptoms of it accordin' to the medical books I've read," Nathan explained to the bewildered man.
"How long does this... er... change... usually last?" Ezra asked, looking down at the ground, totally humiliated to be discussing this kind of thing with the healer.
"Oh, it's different for each woman, I reckon... it could last days, weeks... I guess even months," Nathan answered and had to hold back a chuckle at the horrified expression on Ezra's face.
"Months..." he whispered, aghast at the thought of his mother remaining in her present condition for months. "Oh, good Lord... isn't there anything you could give her?"
"'Fraid not, Ezra... she'll just have to let it run its course... sorry," Nathan told him, wishing he could give him some kind of hope for a quick end to his ordeal.
"Thanks anyway, Mr. Jackson," Ezra answered as he glanced up at his mother's window. Seeing the light go out, he sighed and slowly made his way back toward the saloon.
Nathan watched him walk away, none of the usual swagger in his step... and hoped for his sake that Maude went back to St. Louis soon.