This story was co-written by my friend Christy and was born from a series of 'what if' messages that we had sent back and forth. We finally decided we had come up with enough ideas for a hopefully humorous look at an episode in the lives of Ezra, his 'dear' mother Maude, and the rest of the Seven. We hope you find this little story as funny as we did when we were writing it. Hope you enjoy it! Jean and Christy.
Disclaimer: We do not own or claim any rights to the Magnificent Seven characters; Mirisch, Trilogy, and MGM have that privilege.
The next morning Ezra made his way slowly down to the saloon, walked over to the table where his friends all sat and flopped in the chair they had waiting for him.
"Gosh, Ezra... did you get any sleep at all last night? You look terrible!" JD asked as he took in the dark circles under Ezra's eyes and the way the gambler just kind of slumped in his chair.
"Not really, Mr. Dunne... I was up quite late looking for..." Ezra stopped suddenly and groaned when he saw Maude walk through the doors.
The other men looked up to see what was wrong, followed his gaze and seeing Maude headed in their direction, echoed his groan.
"Good morning, gentlemen... mind if I join you," Maude asked, kissing Ezra lightly on the cheek as he stood to get her a chair.
"Good morning, mother... did you sleep well?" Ezra asked a bit sarcastically, but he was at least happy to see that she was dressed a little more appropriately this morning.
"Yes, I did, dear... much better than you it seems," Maude answered as she took in his haggard appearance, knowing and regretting that it was probably her fault he looked the way he did.
Ezra frowned but decided not to mention that she was the reason he hadn't slept. After all, she did seem a bit better this morning. At least she hadn't attacked any of his friends yet and he was eternally grateful for that. He just wasn't up to dealing with that whole situation this early in the day.
The other six men watched Maude guardedly, ready to run at the first wink or touch of her hand... but she merely sat beside her son and enjoyed her breakfast, contributing occasionally to their quiet conversation with a remark or question.
Josiah watched Maude closely, finding it hard to believe that this was the same woman his friends had described as being on a sexual rampage yesterday. He knew they wouldn't make it all up, and Ezra's trip through the streets last night in search of her and his exhausted appearance led him to believe them. She seemed perfectly normal this morning and he wondered what had caused the sudden change. But he didn't have to wonder for long. He had just taken a sip of coffee when out of the corner of his eye, he saw Buck jump slightly and stare down into his lap before darting a quick look at Ezra.
Ezra was talking to Chris and thankfully hadn't noticed the look. Buck glanced down in his lap again at the hand that was resting on his crotch and then at Maude who was not even looking at him, but was winking at Vin. Buck and Vin exchanged panicked looks and both jumped up and after muttering excuses about needing to go on patrol... ran out of the saloon. Ezra looked suspiciously at his mother, but she seemed just as bewildered as everyone else at the sudden departure of the two men. JD who had been sitting beside Buck and seen Maude's hand descend on his crotch, decided it was time to make his escape, too.
"Well, I think I'd better get on over to the jail and... uh... finish up some paperwork I've been meanin' to do," he hurriedly announced, and left before she could turn her attentions on him.
Josiah saw Chris and Nathan glance at JD's retreating back and then at Maude, and saw her give them a wink and blow them a kiss. Now he understood what they'd been talking about. Unfortunately for Maude, Ezra also looked up from his breakfast in time to see the wink and kiss and his face began to redden as he spoke to her sharply.
"Mother! What do you think you are doing?" Ezra asked as he rose out of his chair and none-to-gently pulled Maude to her feet.
"Why, Ezra darlin'... what in heaven's name is wrong with you? I'm just trying to be nice to your friends?" Maude tried to convince him she was innocent of whatever he was thinking, but she just couldn't resist one more wink at the men.
"That's it!! Come with me... I'm taking you for a nice long ride in the country and we're going to talk about your little problem." Ezra firmly pushed Maude ahead of him out of the saloon, and Chris and Nathan breathed a sigh of relief as they watched them go.
Josiah rose and left also, headed to the church to light some candles and say some prayers for Maude and for poor Ezra. He didn't know if it would help, but it definitely couldn't hurt.
Ezra kept Maude away from the town for most of the afternoon. He told her he had talked to Nathan and he knew about her 'condition', but she seemed so embarrassed by the whole subject that he let it drop after telling her he was willing to help her in anyway he could. They spent the rest of the day filling each other in on what had been happening since her last visit and actually enjoying each other's company for a change.
Ezra pulled the buggy up in front of the hotel and escorted Maude up to her room so she could rest before dinner.
"I'll be back around six, Mother... that should give you time to rest and freshen up before we go eat." Ezra kissed her lightly on the cheek and left, thankful he had gotten her through the day with no further incident. He returned the buggy to the livery, and then made his way to the saloon for a few well-deserved drinks and hopefully a couple of hands of poker before dinner.
Maude stood by the window in her room fanning herself and watching the people go by in the street. She had tried laying down to rest, but after tossing and turning for an hour had finally given up. She'd felt pretty good all day, but now those damn hot flashes were back with a vengeance. Suddenly she glanced over in front of the jail and saw JD sitting there reading one of his many dime store novels and she just couldn't resist her urges any longer. He looked so young and handsome tipped back in that chair, his hair ruffling in the slight breeze... Maude was out the door in a flash hurrying down the stairs and out of the hotel, knocking several hotel patrons out of her way in her haste to get to JD.
JD was so engrossed in his book that he didn't even see Maude coming until she was almost to the jail. But suddenly he caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up to see her striding purposefully across the street, heading straight for him. JD threw his book to the ground, grabbed his hat off the back of the chair and took off running... dodging the people on the crowded boardwalk and looking desperately for somewhere to hide. He glanced back over his shoulder once and increased his speed when he saw Maude coming after him, the people parting around her like the Red Sea as she barreled down the boardwalk like an unstoppable locomotive.
"Hey, Ezra... you better come and get a look at this." Ezra looked up as Nathan called to him, motioning to him to join him at the batwing doors of the saloon. He could see Nathan was trying not to laugh at whatever was going on in the street and a feeling of dread started to build in the pit of his stomach as he rose to find out what was so amusing.
Ezra opened the doors and looked out and his jaw dropped at the sight of his mother barreling down the street after a fleeing JD. "Oh my God.... not again!" Ezra hurried out and raced after Maude, praying he could reach her before she got her hands on poor JD. He caught a glimpse of the boy ducking down an alley, Maude hot on his heels, just before he collided with two ladies coming out of Mrs. Potter's store. The force of the impact sent their packages flying in all directions and left all three of them sitting on the boardwalk, stunned. Ezra recovered first and apologizing profusely, helped both ladies to their feet and began gathering up all their scattered parcels. By the time he'd finished he'd lost sight of Maude and JD completely. He frantically ran down one alley and up another but finally gave up and returned to the saloon.
"What the hell happened to you, Ezra?!" Buck exclaimed as the gambler staggered in and dropped in the chair next to him. Buck had never seen the man in such a state... his clothes were all dusty, his hair was practically standing on end and he was gasping for air and sweating profusely.
Ezra grabbed the bottle of whiskey sitting in front of Buck and took several long gulps before trying to answer. "Mother... JD..." was about all he could manage to say as he continually sucked air, trying to get his breath back. He couldn't remember the last time he had done that much running and he was finding it extremely hard to recover from all the exertion.
But those two names were all Buck needed to hear to understand his current state of exhaustion.
He glanced warily at the saloon doors as he went to the bar to get another bottle of whiskey and a glass for Ezra. He had a feeling the part bottle Ezra was draining wasn't going to be nearly enough to settle the gambler's nerves.
JD had raced through the alleys of the town desperately trying to lose Maude. But no matter which way he went, she was always right there on his heels. Finally as the sun was beginning to set he managed to circle back around to the jail and get inside and lock the door before she could get to him. He leaned with his back against the door, trying to catch his breath and listened as she pounded on the door a few times before giving up and striding away down the boardwalk. 'Thank God' he thought as he moved away from the door to settle on one of the bunks in the empty cells, determined not to leave the jail again until she went home.
Maude frowned when she realized JD wasn't going to open the door. She knocked one last time and then turned to search the street for someone else to focus her attentions on. Her face broke into a huge smile as she saw Chris come out of the Clarion and she hurried down the boardwalk in his direction. Chris had just stepped into the street when he heard his name called. He looked up and frowned in consternation as he saw Maude practically running in her haste to get to him. He had no urge to deal with her again and turned and sprinted for the saloon, hoping Ezra would be in there and would be able to stop her before she got to him.
Buck and Ezra stared at Chris as he tore into the saloon and came running up to their table. Ezra jumped back nervously as he saw the angry look the gunslinger shot in his direction.
"Um... something wrong, Mr. Larabee?" he asked, but before Chris could answer him the batwing doors crashed open again and Maude charged into the room, stopping just inside the still swinging doors to catch her breath and search the room for her prey. "Larabee!! I know you're in here!"
"Damn..." Chris muttered as he jumped and began moving toward the door at the back of the saloon. "Ezra! You better do somethin' about her!" he yelled as he ran.
Buck, seeing Maude's eye settle on him, leaped out of his chair and followed Chris out the door into the alley.
Ezra just stood and stared in horror as his usually demur mother tore through the saloon, hot on the heels of the two men. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey, took another bracing swig and followed the other three out into the alley.
Josiah couldn't believe what had been going on in this town since Maude arrived. It was like the devil himself was driving her to unseemly acts with at least four of his friends. He knew Ezra was beside himself but he didn't know how to stop it. That's when Josiah decided that some prayer would help and lit a candle for every indecent act she had been caught doing.
Unfortunately, the woman had been so active and so many candles had to be lit, that with the breeze blowing through the church that day, it knocked over several candles and started a small fire. He was upset that it destroyed some of his hard work in the church.
He had decided to take a break and sit out on the church steps for a little while. Darkness had already begun to settle. It seemed peaceful.... for about five minutes. He wasn't quite sure what he was hearing at first. Then he realized it was running footsteps. Chris, running at breakneck speed went past Josiah with Buck close on his heels, yelling "I'm coming with you, Chris! She can't take down both of us at the same time and the other one can pull her off!"
Then, Maude, both hands holding her skirts up and a very focused look on her face, was running after them. Josiah just stared after this parade, shaking his head and not quite believing it. A few moments later Ezra came along, totally exhausted and breathing heavily. He stopped and put his hand on the banister of the steps to steady himself while looking around the town. When he felt he could speak, he asked Josiah, "Have you seen... ummmmm... anyone go by here recently?"
"Why yes, Ezra... they went that away!" he said, pointing after the runners.
Ezra started to walk off, then backtracked a few steps. "Do I smell smoke?"
"Yes brother, you do. It's taken care of now. The church is a little damaged but I can fix it...again," sighed Josiah.
"Sorry about the church," was all Ezra could think of to tell the man.
"That's okay, Ezra. God will provide. Only I'm not so sure he can help you out!"
Just then, Ezra heard shouting up the street and saw Chris, then Buck, then Maude emerge from one side of town and run into an alley on the other side of town. Ezra looked at Josiah and just sighed. As he turned to go after the trio, Josiah stopped him.
"Um... Ezra?"
"Yes?"
"I never knew your Mother could run so fast." Josiah said flatly.
He looked into Josiah's face, who simply returned his stare. The man looked very serious and never cracked a grin, so Ezra didn't know if he was joking or not. More shouts broke into his thoughts so he turned and took off at a trot, sarcastically saying, but not yelling. "Mother! Oh, Mother!" All the while thinking that the jail cells were empty at the moment.
Maude awoke disheveled, and was groggy so that she almost felt as if she had a hangover. The taste in her mouth was absolutely awful. She managed to sit up, but the headache made her put her head in her hands.
"Good Morning, Mother," Ezra said. She couldn't tell if he was angry or amused. Maude didn't say anything, just lifted her head and glared at her son. Ezra wanted to laugh but kept control of himself.
"Do you suppose you could be gracious enough to get your Mother some coffee?"
That did it, he broke into a wide grin. He was enjoying her discomfort. "Well, of course! How inconsiderate of me!"
"You ungrateful child!" she spit out when she saw the grin.
He handed her the cup, but when she looked at her son, the grin was still there and he had an evil gleam in his eyes.
"Ezra!" she shouted, "You let me out of here! Now!"
He was about to give her a glib answer, when the door to the jail opened. Chris and Buck walked in with rather sheepish looks on their faces. "Gentlemen. What can I do for you?" said Ezra.
Chris kind of sighed and looked over at Buck. Then Buck said, "Ezra... you just can't lock up your mama for no reason. Ain't right."
"Not right?" Ezra shot back. "I thought you'd appreciate not receiving the amorous advances my Mother has wrought upon all of you!"
"Believe me, Ezra," Chris said "we appreciate the rest, but he's right. You can't keep her locked up. Can't you... talk... to her?"
Ezra just gave them an exasperated look. He glanced over at Maude. She was sitting on the cot in the furthest corner with her back against the wall and her eyes closed. He let out a heavy sigh and said to Chris, "I shall endeavor to speak to her."
"Thanks." Chris said as he turned to leave.
"Yeah, thanks ol' buddy. Try to talk to her... see if it'll do any good," Buck said as he lightly punched Ezra on the arm and gave him a smirk.
Ezra turned to the jail cell — she was still sitting in the corner. He took the cell keys out of the desk drawer and went to unlock the door. He stepped inside and sat down on the cot next to her.
"Mother, I've had about enough of this. What can I do to help you over this dire time in your life? You are making a spectacle of yourself and this is an embarrassment to me! We must do something."
He was so serious — and she knew what he said was true — but she couldn't help herself and burst out laughing. "It's only natural, darlin'! And I'm having so much fun!" He started to get angry, but when he looked up at her and saw the glint in her eye and her hair sticking out in every direction, he couldn't help but laugh, too. "I really don't know what to do, darlin'. I suppose this just has to run it's course," said Maude quietly.
"Well, Mother, if you have to run it here, could you try to exercise a bit more control? This is where I live. I work with those men. Please be on your best behavior and fight this thing!"
"I could certainly try, darlin'." She paused for a moment and then said, "But it has been fun!"
She smiled at her son and patted his knee. "It's such a comfort having family around in tryin' times."
While Ezra was trying to decide whether to reprehend her or not, she got up and started to leave. She turned at the cell door and he said to her with a slight smile, "I must admit, seeing my fellow compadres running scared all over town has held a certain amount of amusement."
Maude smiled and headed back to her hotel to spend a lot of time pulling herself back together... emotionally and fashionably. Ezra still sat on the cot, trying to decide if he should have simply run her out of town or strangled her on the spot.
Evening fell and surprisingly, Maude had pretty much behaved herself most of the day. Probably because she'd involved herself in a few games of poker to keep her mind occupied.
It had worked most of the afternoon, but as the sun went down so did her resolve. She was getting antsy and her concentration was failing. Seeing all of those wonderful looking men filing into the Saloon after a hard days work wasn't helping.
Ezra had been keeping a close eye on his Mother. She seemed to be controlling herself very well... except for a few pinches and winks, she hadn't really bothered anyone in awhile. So he went out to the boardwalk to talk to the others — Chris, Buck, JD and Vin. They knew Maude was inside and so they wouldn't step foot in there. Inez had even been bringing their drinks outside to them.
"Looks like you took care of our little problem pretty well, Ezra," said Buck.
"Thank God," mumbled JD, who was still skittish from his earlier experience with Maude.
"Think she's over it?" asked Chris.
Ezra looked doubtful and answered, "I have no idea, but I certainly hope she has it under control for now. Although it has brought some amusement," he teased.
They all sat in silence for a few moments. Then Ezra decided to glance in and check on Maude. He walked through the swinging doors and into the saloon. One moment later, the other men all tensed when they heard him yell, "Awww, Hell!"
The men all ran into the saloon and Ezra told them Maude had disappeared. The fact that she hadn't come out the front where they would've seen her, told him that something was up. The other four men gave each other panicked looks and, all at once, ran out the door, scattering in three different directions. Ezra glared after them, rather perturbed that no one was going to help him track her down.
Ezra was exhausted. She must be out of control again with a vengeance because he covered every inch of the town — twice — and hadn't caught a glimpse of her. He thought he had heard her voice once, but it couldn't have been her... she'd never actually wail "yoooo hoooo"... would she? And he must've been close once because he saw Buck and JD disappearing around a corner rather quickly. Chris had simply vanished. He was about to take a break and get a quick drink in the saloon when he saw Vin running like a bat out of hell, up the street and rounding the shop on the corner. Thinking Maude couldn't be far behind from his panicked actions, he took off in Vin's direction hoping to run across Maude. Maude had seen Vin's very lovely behind rounding the corner but lost him down an alleyway.
She stood for a moment in the middle of the street, listening. She heard something. She couldn't tell where it was coming from at first. She quietly crept along the boardwalk toward the saloon. A noise. It was coming from the darkened alley next to the building. She was only half a block away. She could catch the delicious young man, she was certain of it. Maude lifted her skirts and took off running. She barreled into the very dark alley at full speed and ran into a man's chest. She had been running so fast that she plowed into him and knocked him against the wall. She smiled. She had him pinned. Before he could make a move, she slammed her mouth onto where she thought his was — right on target — and went to work with the most passionate kiss she could give him. After several moments, she felt him relax a bit. My, my... he was actually getting into it. She breathed in a slight hint of after shave and realized it smelled somewhat familiar.
Then, it hit her. She immediately and roughly pulled back out of the embrace and once she caught her breath, whispered... "Ezra?"
There was about five seconds of dead silence, and then a booming voice yelled "Mother?!?"
Both of them sucked in their breath and then gasped audibly. Maude slowly started backing out of the alley, then turned and ran back to her hotel room. Ezra stood in shock for awhile, then slowly slid down the wall until he plunked down on the ground. He stayed there for quite some time, trembling with the memory of what had just happened.
The next morning, the other six men were out on the boardwalk having coffee. Ezra suddenly appeared at the door, squinting at the sun. It was extremely early for the gambler to be up and about.
"Why, Ezra! What brings you out in the middle of the night?" Buck teased.
None of them knew he'd been up all night — he certainly couldn't sleep after what happened in the alley. When he had finally gotten to his room last night, he sat in a chair thinking and worrying about having to confront his mother the next day. Ezra tiredly said to Buck, "I do sometimes like to recall what mornings feel like, Mr. Wilmington."
"Well, it's too bad you weren't up about an hour ago," Buck said back to him, "you could've said goodbye to your Mother."
Ezra's jaw dropped and he quickly turned to face Buck, "She's gone?"
"Yep," Buck retorted, grinning — actually, they were all grinning.
Ezra was shocked and relieved at the same time. He was worried about facing her and apparently she was equally terrified and embarrassed. Maybe this was the best thing for awhile — just to forget about the whole incident. He noticed that Chris was studying his face. "Yes, Mr. Larabee? You have a question?"
"What did you finally do, Ezra? What did you say to make her leave?"
With an unreadable look on his face, Ezra told him, "I simply brought her to her senses, Mr. Larabee."
Which was very true, indeed.
The End