Part One | Part Two | Part Three
Hey, Partner... sure is good to see ya, walking down that hallway. Wasn't sure I'd ever see that again.
And that little lady by your side... she about worried herself to death over you. Hell, we all did. Even me.
You shouldn't do that to Buck now. My old heart can't take any more scares like this one. I wasn't sure if you had it in you to fight a battle this big. It would have been easier to just give up... to say you had done your best and ride off into the sunset like in them old westerns I make you watch. And for a while, I thought you were going to do just that.
Then what would I have done?
What would I do without you? Oh... I know I it's not like it was before. You know, before the others showed up... before Sarah's and Adam's deaths. I know that. And I know that I got JD to look after now, but hey, you know me... old habits die hard. I have to look after you too.
I promised Sarah.
I promised myself.
And look what you did the minute I let my guard down... you went and got yourself shot. What if you had gotten yourself killed?
Don't you know I need you? I ain't got many friends and I'm kinda partial to keepin’ the ones I got. Maybe that's why it hurt so much when you pushed me away. Maybe that's why I keep holdin’ on to you... even when you're acting like a sonofabitch. Yeah, you do you know. Sometimes I don't know how any of us put up with you.
Take a couple days ago when you laid into Josiah for doin' exactly what you would have done if it had been one of us layin' in that bed feelin' sorry for ourselves. You would of walked right up to that bed and told us to get off our sorry asses and do what the nurses told us. Boy... you should of seen the look on your face when Josiah flung those covers back and told you virtually the same thing.
You were flat out pissed. But it worked... it got you out of that bed. Course, bein' a smart man, he didn't stick around long once you was upright. But I did. There was no way I was gonna miss you walkin' for the first time since you'd been shot. I'd waited too long for it.
I wasn't sure I'd ever see you do it again.
Then what would I have done?
Hey boy... how ya doin'? Ready for a good brushin'? I take that whinny as a yes? I thought so.
Well... today's the day. He's coming home.
Not that you and I aren't gonna have some more time together. He won't be taking care of you any time soon. Still too sore. Gettin' shot is bad enough, but sometimes the cure is worse. My chest hurts every time I think about them breakin' his breast bone to get to that bullet by his heart. Yeah, he's still got some healin' to do.
We all do, I guess.
You don't just get better from something like that.
What do you think? Does that feel good? Oh... need your head rubbed some more... okay... hold on a minute, I'm getting there.
It feels good to have someone reach a part of you that you can't reach doesn't it. See, I know cause that's what Chris does for me. He reaches a part of my soul that I loose track of without him around. It's like I'm incomplete.
I had begun to take that for granted until I saw him being wheeled through that emergency room door... one medic on top of him doing CPR.... the other pumping oxygen into him and spouting off his condition to the doctors that descended upon him.
Then he was whisked away. Just like that. No chance to speak to him. No chance to touch him.... Damage to the heart wall, right lung, and liver, the doctors had said. No chance of surviving the surgery, they warned us.
But they didn't know him like we do... like I do, I kept telling myself. If there was any way for him to do it, he would. Still...
There were times when I wasn't sure if he would make it back. I could almost feel him slipping away from me. Like when when I first saw him coming through those doors with no heartbeat. A coldness swept across my soul... a part of me had stopped living too.
That's a hard realization to come to... to know that one man can have such an impact on your life. And to know that when that one man is hurt, you hurt. To know that if he dies, part of you dies too.
You don't just get over something like that almost happening. It takes time.
Yeah, he's got some healing to do. We all do.
We are all here.
Only this time, it is in my living room, not at my bedside. Looking at you, knowing what we have all been through in our time together, sometimes I wonder why... how it is possible that we are all here.
It seems like one of us is always getting hurt. This time it was me. And by all rights, I shouldn't be here. But I am.
What do you remember after you entered the warehouse, the board of inquiry asked me today. I said very little.
I lied.
I remember it all.
I remember the rush of apprehension when I realized it was an ambush.
I remember the joy at knowing that the shooter was going to shoot me first, leaving Nathan time to reach cover.
I remember the feel of the bullets entering my body and of my life slowly coming to an end.
I remember your desperate whispers, pleas, and prayers begging me to hang on... to come back to you.
I remember your hands touching me... on my forehead, caressing my cheek, holding my hand, patting my leg... letting me know you were there while reassuring yourselves that I was still there also.
I remember the sound of familiar voices prodding, conjoling, threatening... trying anything to pull me from the pain and drug-induced haze clouding my mind.
I remember the sight of each you at various times... asleep beside my bed... leaning against the wall waiting... the sheen of unshed tears glistening in your eyes as you watched me struggle to ride out the waves of pain coursing through my body.
I remember you talking among yourselves when you thought I was asleep. Proclamations about how you were never going to let me out of the office again. Discussions about how to keep me from going back to work too soon once I was released from the hospital. Observations about how the ones present thought the ones absent from the room were holding up under the circumstances.
I remember the flashes of guilt on your faces every time you remembered that you could not save me from what I was going through.
I remember all this.
But watching all of you here, I remember something else too.
I remember that it could happen again... to any of us — at any time.
And that scares the hell out of me.
the end 10/99
Part One | Part Two | Part Three
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