Disclaimer: We don’t own them, We cry ourselves to sleep every night but we still don’t own them. But GOD IF WE DID. Could you imagine? Thud-alicious! Thanks to Mog for the beach known as the ATF. The Immortal would like to thank Saaa and Saaa would most humbly like to giver her utmost appreciation and gratitude towards her longtime friend The Immortal (no pun intended, get it? long time friend - Immortal, get it? bad JD joke.) We have a confession to make, we have a severe uncontrollable song fettish. Every song we listen to, we think of the guys singing or dancing or stripping....whoa! Was that outloud? Have to work on our inner dialogue. This is one of our personal favorites. We would like to dedicate it to all those Magnificent Seven fans out there. This one is for you. By the way, no beta, don’t kill us. (Even though it is not beta-ed we do run spell check and no one speaks Ebonics in this one. So don’t be frightened.) Don’t own any of the songs and don’t claim to. If we did we would be very wealthy, would’ve bought the rights to the Mag7 and would have them on the air all the time. ATF and Old West. Magnificent Seven The MUSICAL. Channel 7, 7 days a week. Oh yeah.
Rating: PG
Ezra Standish clamped his manicured hands over his ears as he weaved his way to the table in which his six friends were sitting. He gladly accepted the chair that Vin pushed out for him and the beer that Buck slid across the table. He took a sip of his beer and relaxed in the banter that surrounded him.
“I’m telling you Buck, Jean Claude van Damme could kick Arnold Schwartzenager’s ass.”
Buck shook his head. “No way, Arnie would clean his clock.”
“Yeah,” Nathan interjected “but Jackie Chan could kick both of their asses.”
Vin smirked. “I could take them all.” That earned a round of laughter.
“True, true.” Buck said as he raised his glass in a toast. “Here is to ass kicking!”
“Hear, hear.” The seven men said in unison and clinked their glasses together.
Ezra winced as another off key singer took the microphone and began their rendition of Groove is in the Heart. “Did we have to come here on karaoke night? That most definitely is not delightful.”
Vin grinned. “What’s the matter Ez? You don’t like the music?”
“An alley cat being swung around by his tail would sound better than that loathsome garbage that is assaulting my ears.”
“Oh, cut him some slack.” JD shot back at the undercover agent.
“Like you could do any better.” Vin added
Ezra nonchalantly took another sip of his beer and inwardly grinned. “Fifty dollars says that I could.”
“I take that bet!” Vin announced.
“You don’t have fifty dollars to your name.” Buck laughed and smacked Vin hard on the back.
“I will when Ez goes up on stage and makes a damn fool of himself.”
Ezra smiled broadly, his gold tooth reflecting the fluorescent lighting. “I believe that the only fool here is the one that is actually betting against me.”
Nathan shook his head. “You mean to tell me that you’re really going to get up on that stage and sing Ezra?”
“Yeah,” JD chimed, “we’ve all heard your singing voice. I happen to remember a certain bust that included you and a purple dress.”
Ezra groaned. “That, dear Mr. Dunne, is called acting. I did it under duress.”
“That’s what I said, a purple dress.”
“Alright, alright,” Buck interrupted, “we’ve got to have some stipulations here. Rule number one, you can’t kill anybody.”
“Rule number two, I can’t bring anybody back from the dead. It’s not a pretty picture. I don’t like doing it!” JD added.
Josiah laughed. “You two need to lay off the cartoons.”
“Anyway, continue with said stipulations.”
“Ok, for real though.” Buck said as he waved his arms. “Rule number A, no slow songs. Rule 2, no songs sung by females because we all know that Ez can’t sing like a woman. He’s shown that already. Rule D, no Ricky Martin.”
“I personally don’t want to see Ez
shake his bon bon.”
A young female waitress walked by and looked appreciatively at the undercover agent. “I for one wouldn’t mind.”
Ezra laughed quietly into his beer glass. Nathan on the other hand ended up spewing his beer all over Josiah.
The older agent glared at the healer. “That’s it. You’re cut off.”
“You know what?” Buck said as he finished off another beer. “Forget all above stipulations. We’re picking the song. Oh, and you must have audience participation. JD doesn’t count.”
“Gentlemen, gentlemen please, I will certainly be able to…”
“Shut up, Ez. We’re picking. Just so you can’t cheat.”
The seven men sat around the table and each thought of a song suggestion.
“I know!” JD was the first to remark. “Informer!”
Ezra shot an exasperated look toward the youngest agent. “Does anyone know the words to that?”
“Ok, Louie Louie and Informer are out because not even the original artists know what they’re saying.” Josiah told the men.
Buck slapped the table hard causing his beer to spill onto JD. “I got it! She thinks my tractor’s sexy!”
“I didn’t know you owned a tractor Buck?” JD laughed as he cleaned himself up with napkins.
“So, that’s your new name for it?”
Ezra shook his head. “A gentleman does not debase himself by engaging in menial labor, therefore to I do not own a tractor.”
“Well, fine!” Buck said a little
agitated. “Do you have any brilliant ideas,
Ezra stood up, outraged. “No, no, no. That definitely does not rub me the right way. And it’s Aguilera.” He added as he sat back down.
JD groaned. “Oh man. You even know the words.”
“Nathan? Got any ideas?”
Nathan smiled. “I was thinking Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Buck immediately burst into song. “I see a little silhouette of a man, scot a moosh, scot a moosh…”
“Will you do the fandango?” JD chimed.
Buck slung his arm around JD and they sang in unison. “Thunder bolt and lightening…”
“You’re very very frightening...me.” Ezra shot at the pair.
“Yeah, Ez is right. What if he sucks? That’s a damn long song.” Vin remarked.
Josiah smiled. “You know, we only
got to hear part of
“No, I said no. Is that clear? The answer is no.”
Vin looked up slyly from studying his beer a smirk gracing his lips. “I believe in miracles.”
Josiah shot the sharpshooter a look. “Well, I do too but I don’t think Ez can pull this off.”
“Hot Chocolate?” Ezra asked.
JD looked at his friend, his eyes wide. “Dude, you just had a beer. That’s gross. They just don’t mix.”
“You sexy thing!” Nathan grinned and looked at the astonished gambler.
“NO!” Buck shouted loud enough for the whole bar to turn around and stare at him. “I’M TOO SEXY!”
A man at the table next to them looked Buck over. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve seen better.”
Nathan spewed his beer on Josiah, again.
Ezra smiled from ear to ear. “You’re on!”
He climbed onto the stage and took the microphone from its stand. This got every woman in the room’s attention. He cleared his throat and spoke in his clear southern accent. “This song is dedicated to my six friends, especially Vin Tanner.”
Everyone turned their attention to the quiet and shy tracker. He blushed a deep red. The undercover agent smiled. At least he exacted some revenge.
The music started and everyone in the audience clapped and laughed. Ezra smiled wide enough to show off his gold tooth. He then waved to his table and began to sing.
“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy
for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.” The southerner sang while loosening his tie
and flinging off his expensive jacket. “And I’m too sexy for
“I’m too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far. And I’m too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what ya think bout that?” Ezra asked as he slapped the hat off JD’s head. “Yeah, I’m a model, you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk.”
The same waitress from before yelled from the audience. “Oh yeah, shake your bon bon baby.”
At this point in time, the undercover agent’s six friends were beyond all help. Nathan had only managed to keep from spewing around two drops of beer. Josiah had fallen from his chair and now lay on the floor laughing. JD and Buck were loudly singing along and trying to keep from falling over.
“I’m too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat, poor pussy, poor pussy cat.”
“Cuervo!” JD yelled.
Ezra sauntered over to Vin and began singing right to him. “I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, love’s going to leave me.” Vin blushed a deep scarlet at all the attention. “And I’m too sexy for this song.”
When the music stopped, the entire
bar erupted into cheers. The suave agent stepped back onto the stage and took a
bow. He then gathered up his tie and jacket and made his way back to his table
amidst many swooning women.
He sat down at the table, a smile
plastered on his face. “I believe you owe me fifty dollars, Mr. Tanner.”
Vin pushed the money over to the agent. “You earned it, Ez.”
“Why thank you.”
Vin grinned and turned to
Ezra’s mouth dropped open. “He most certainly did not! What the hell did he do?”
Vin’s smile grew. “Oh,
Ezra stared at the two men. “You sirs, have violated me.”
Buck slapped Ezra hard on the back. “You’ll get them back and their little dog too.” He said in his best impression of the wicked witch of the west, which was terrible because he was plastered.
“You bet your ruby red slippers I will.”
“Might I suggest we all take the yellow cab home.”
“Good idea, Josiah.”
“Speaking of little yappy dogs, someone grab JD, he’s about to fall over.” Buck grabbed the arm of the unsteady agent.
The seven men all stood up to leave when two young women walked by. One turned to Ezra. “Nice dancing.” Ezra grinned and shot a look over to Vin. The young woman turned back to her friend. “See, I told you all the cute ones are gay.”
Ezra’s mouth dropped open. Buck snickered and the other men tried to hide their smiles. “Remind me to never come here again.”
“Oh don’t worry Ez, we’ll remind you every day for a long time to come.”
Ezra groaned and covered his face as the seven walked toward the door.
“Excuse me sir? Sir?” A young man ran up to them holding something that looked strangely akin to a videotape. “The bar always tapes karaoke night. Would you like a copy of tonight’s festivities?”
“Absolutely!”
“
“Don’t worry Ez, it’s just a little insurance. Better be careful about how you get us back. And you better leave our little dog alone too.” He commented as he knocked JD’s hat off.
~THE END