Buck took a deep breath and started, trying to remember everything Nathan had said about Ezra's condition and what might happen. "I'm sorry, baby... but that is you." Ezra immediately tried to shake his head in protest, but Buck held on and continued to explain. "Yeah, Ezra... it is. When ya hit your head you went to sleep for a long while... an' when ya finally woke up again, you were five..." Buck placed his fingers on the younger man's temple, "in here."
But Ezra still wasn't quite ready to accept it. It was just too much for his five year old mind to comprehend. "No, Buck... I am five... d'at's why I have twouble feedin' mysewlf an' why I w'ike bein' w'ocked... an'... an' why I w'ike to suck my f'umb. Grwown-ups don't do d'ose kinds of f'ings... jus' w'ittle kids."
Buck shook his head sadly... God he hated doing this to his Little One. "Ya do all that because ya think you're five... not because ya are." He finally saw a glimmer of doubt appear in Ezra's eyes and pushed on. "What about your whiskers, Ezra? Five year old's don't need to be shaved. And the watch? Your watch, little guy... the one ya couldn't use at first, but now ya can? Remember how all of a sudden ya could tell time again? That was just some of your memory comin' back... your grown-up memory. The scar, Ezra... the scar on your-"
Ezra reached out and shakily placed his fingers over the older man's lips... stopping his words. "No morwe, Buck... p-pwease? You'rwe wrong... you gotta be... I d-don't feewl w'ike a grwown-up... I jus' feewl w'ike a w'ittle boy." Tears streamed down his face as he fought against the awful feeling that Buck was right. His whispered denial was now filled with doubt. "I'm jus' a w'ittle boy."
Buck tore his eyes away from the devastatingly sad face of the gambler... letting them wander around the cabin... looking everywhere but at Ezra. Suddenly he froze as his gaze landed on the towel-covered mirror. Oh God... did he dare try that? What if it was more than Ezra could handle? Then his eyes returned to the tortured face of his Little One and he knew he had to do it. If not, every new memory Ezra had would just continue to terrify and haunt him.
"Come on, Ezra... I've got somethin' I want ya to look at. It'll help ya understand." Buck stood and tugged on the gambler's hand. At first he resisted, but finally he unfolded his legs and allowed the ladies man to pull him to his feet.
Buck led him over and positioned him in front of the mirror and after taking a shaky breath, reached around Ezra and slowly pulled away the cloth that concealed it. He immediately thought he'd made a mistake. Ezra's face lost every bit of its color except for the slight flush of fever that still stained his cheeks. His mouth dropped open and his breathing became harsh and labored as the shock of what he was seeing raced through his body.
Buck quickly reached up and grabbed the smaller man's shoulders as he saw him weave slightly and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "I've got ya, Ezra... just hang on now. You're gonna be alright... just breathe slowly." He felt the gambler struggle to do as he said, but his emotions were so out of control it was impossible for him to draw a deep enough breath to calm himself down. Buck stared at Ezra's reflection in the mirror, and his heart almost stopped as he saw the grief that suddenly flooded the gambler's huge emerald eyes with the indisputable proof that stared back at him.
Ezra's mind whirled as he tried to find a way to deny what he was seeing. It was his face... he knew it was, because there was Buck standing behind him, Buck's large comforting hands clamped onto his shoulders, Buck's dark blue eyes filled with worry as they stared into his... into his green eyes... into his face... his grown-up face. Ezra reached out and touched his reflection with trembling fingers. He moved them across the smooth cold surface, tracing his image... the outline of his jaw, the yellowing bruise still visible from the incident in the street... his clean-shaven cheek marred by the reddened, slightly swollen mark left by his mother's hand.
Buck's heart twisted painfully as he watched Ezra's fingers slowly move along the trail of tears shimmering in the lamplight... first the ones on his own face and then the ones that were now slowly trickling down Buck's stubble-covered cheeks.
Ezra began to sob softly as his fingers left his reflection and followed the same path across his face... the same face... watching their movement in the mirror as he felt their very real touch on his skin. The gambler traced the same trail of tears down his cheeks, this time feeling the wetness of them on his finger tips. He looked into the mirror again and his eyes caught and held Buck's... seeing every bit of pain and sorrow he was feeling reflected back at him.
Turning around, Ezra slowly reached up and touched the identical tears that stained his best friend's face. Looking up into the taller man's eyes, the gambler finally realized that it was true... he was going away... he was leaving his new family, his new brothers... he was leaving Buck. "Buck! Pwease... no!!"
The anguished cry that escaped Ezra's lips before he collapsed against him, nearly tore Buck's heart out. He scrambled to get his arms under the smaller man and managed to keep him from hitting the floor. Thankfully the rocker was sitting right beside them and Buck was able to get himself and Ezra settled on it instead of on the cold floor again.
Buck tucked the blanket around Ezra as best he could, not sure if the shudders he felt tearing through him were from the cold or from shock. "Ezra? It's gonna be okay, baby... please believe me." He jumped slightly when the Southerner's head jerked up off his shoulder and he stared at him with pain-filled eyes.
"How can it be okay, Buck?! I'm w'eavin' you... you, an' JD... an' Chwis... an'... an'..." Ezra felt his whole world caving in on him as he struggled to finish. "Awll of you... I'm w'osin' awll of y-you."
Buck cupped his hand gently around Ezra's cheek as he shook his head at the smaller man. "No, Little One... ya still don't understand. You're not really leavin' us. You've been with us for a long time now... as your adult self." Buck tapped Ezra's forehead lightly. "Remember? I told ya you're only little in here. And it's only because of the bump on the head ya took. Now that you're gettin' better, you're little five year old self is leavin' an' the grown-up Ezra is comin' back to us. You'll always be with us, baby... it'll just be a little different."
Ezra sat up in Buck's lap and stared at him thoughtfully, sniffling and wiping away his tears... his fear starting to ebb slightly as he considered the possibilities of what Buck was saying to him. "I was here beforwe, wasn't I? D'at's why you an' JD werwe wif me in d'at hawllway beforwe I fewll, isn't it? An' d'at's why Chwis was sendin' me out on..." Ezra stopped as he realized his real place in this group of men. His voice lowered to an astonished whisper as his eyes widened. "I'm one of you guys, arwen't I? I worwk forw d' Judge, too... w'ight?"
The relief that flowed through Buck as Ezra seemed to finally accept what was happening to him was so welcome he could have cried. Shifting slightly in the chair, he dug out his handkerchief and gently wiped the gambler's face and holding it over his nose, instructed him to blow. "Yeah, pard... you're one of us and the Judge is your boss, too. Ya feelin' a little bit better about all this now?"
Ezra nodded slowly, but the sadness still hadn't left his eyes. "A w'ittle, but..."
Buck smoothed his hair back, checking for fever while he did so and frowned slightly when he noticed how warm Ezra still was. He needed to get him back in the bed and try to get him to rest. "But what, Little One? What's still botherin' ya?"
Ezra's eyes filled with tears again, and he had to swallow a few times before he was able to answer. "Buck? Am I gonna w'ememberw awll d'is when I go back to bein' a grwown-up? Wiwll I... wiwll I w'ememberw d'at I wuv you an' d'at you wuv me?"
Staring into Ezra's eyes, seeing the loss the other man was already feeling, Buck wanted nothing more than to be able to lie to him... just this once... just to keep the fear away. But he knew he couldn't do it... he'd promised Ezra that he'd tell him the truth, and there was nothing more important than keeping promises to their Little One. Buck finally shrugged and regretfully answered Ezra. "We don't know what you're gonna remember, pard. Nathan's never seen this kind of thing before, an' he's just not sure what's gonna happen when your memory comes all the way back."
Buck saw Ezra's lip start to quiver and felt him trembling again. "I'm sorry I can't promise ya that you'll remember all these good things that've happened to ya, Little One... I wish I could... but I told ya I'd always be honest with ya an' that's what I'm tryin' to do."
Ezra nodded slowly and leaned forward to lay his head disconsolately on Buck's shoulder. He felt the older man's arms slip around him, hugging him tightly as he began slowly rocking. Ezra tried but just couldn't stop the tears that fell, trickling down his cheeks and soaking into the soft, worn material of Buck's shirt. "Wiwll you pwomise me somefin', Buck?"
Buck looked down and tried to speak around the huge lump that formed in his throat when he saw that Ezra was crying again. He just wanted all the unhappiness to end for the gambler... even if it meant his Little One had to go away. "You know I'd do anything in the world for you, Ezra. What is it?"
Ezra lifted his face and stared into Buck's deep blue eyes, his own heart hurting at the sadness he knew he was causing his big brother. "Pwomise me you won't w'et me forwget d'at... d'at I..." he began to gently sob as he tried to finish his request, "d'at I wuv you... p-pwease, Buck? Don't w'et me f-forwget."
Buck's arms tightened around the younger man as he struggled not to cry. "Don't you worry, Little One... I'll do whatever it takes to make sure ya remember." He pressed his face against Ezra's and whispered his promise, his tears blending with the gambler's as he lost his battle against them. "No matter what I have to do, Ezra... you will remember how much we love each other... ya hear me? I promise I won't let ya forget that."
Ezra began to cry harder as he felt Buck's tears on his face, his ragged sobs leaving him breathless and barely able to speak. "I d-don't want t-to w'eave y-you, B-Buck! It huwts too m-much! It h-huwts me, B-Buck... it huwts..."
Buck rocked them slowly as he tried to get control of himself in order to be able to comfort the Southerner and ease his pain. "I don't want ya to leave either, Ezra... an' I know it hurts... it hurts me, too, but just keep remindin' yourself that we'll still be together... ya hear me, Little One? We'll still be brothers an' you'll still be a part of this family."
Ezra nodded, and after a few minutes, managed to slow his sobbing and finally stop it altogether with the help of Buck's continued words of comfort, and the soothing touch of the older man's hand rubbing gentle circles over his back.
Once Buck finally got Ezra calmed down, he was able to convince him to go back to bed. Buck could see how exhausted the gambler was as he curled himself protectively around him, and yet he still fought against the sleep that was tugging at him.
"Close your eyes, baby... ya need to rest now." Buck gently stroked his fingers across the Southerner's brow, hoping it would help him relax enough to fall asleep.
Ezra shook his head as he nestled tighter against Buck. "I'm afrwaid to go to s'weep."
Buck heard the tears in Ezra's voice again and was sure that he would say it was his fear of another nightmare that kept him awake now. "Why, baby?"
Ezra began to tremble as he sobbed out, "I'm afrwaid I might w'eave whiwle I'm s'weepin' an' I won't g-get to say goodbye to y-you."
Oh God... this was definitely not what he'd expected to hear. Buck felt his eyes flood with tears again as he tried to figure out what to say to help his little brother. "Ya wanna tell me now... just in case?"
Ezra thought a minute and then nodded. He struggled to get turned around so he could look into Buck's face... his tears falling harder as he stared at the man who had become his best friend, his protector... his big brother. Ezra reached his hand out and gently patted at Buck's cheek, brushing away the tears that streamed from the older man's eyes. He stared into those eyes now as he tried to memorize everything about this man he loved so much. "You know I'm gonna miss you, w'ight, Buck?"
Buck swallowed and managed to whisper, "I know, Ezra... I'll miss you, too."
"An' you know how much I wuv you, don't you?"
Buck thought it was going to kill him to continue with this, but knew Ezra needed to do it. He nodded and answered, "Just as much as I love you, baby."
Ezra stared for a minute longer and then leaned forward, planted a small kiss on Buck's tear-stained cheek and whispered softly in his ear, "Goodbye, Buck."
Buck gasped as an incredible pain of loss clutched at his heart. Stroking the back of Ezra's head gently, he pressed a kiss against the younger man's temple and whispered sadly back, "Goodbye, Little One... I'll never forget you."
Ezra hurriedly snuggled back down beside Buck, trying his hardest to be brave and not break down again. Even his little five year old heart could tell Buck couldn't take much more... and neither could he. But just before he drifted off, he remembered one last favor he needed to ask of the older man.
"Buck?"
Buck was almost afraid to answer him. "What, Little One?"
"When I do go back..." Ezra stopped, swallowing convulsively as the tears threatened to overwhelm him. "Wiwll you tewll d' ovverws goodbye forw me? I don't f'ink I can do d'is again... it huwts too much."
Buck choked back a sob as he buried his face in Ezra's hair. "Don't you worry, Little One... I'll do it for ya. An' I'll make sure they know ya didn't wanna leave them, okay?"
All Ezra could do was nod as it finally became too much for him, and he was wracked by heart-wrenching sobs. He clung to Buck as he cried, desperate to hang onto the love and safety he represented for as long as he possibly could.
Buck clutched Ezra tightly to him, rubbing his back, wondering if this was the end of their time together... and desperately praying it wasn't.
Chris walked out of the boardinghouse shortly after dawn and headed slowly down the street toward the saloon. He loved this time of day... the town had yet to awaken and everything was quiet and peaceful. No horses or wagons clattering through the streets, no shouts or shots coming from the saloon... no one up and about except him and the few shopkeepers who were slowly readying their stores for the opening of business.
Chris paused before turning into the saloon... something had caught his eye across the street. He scanned the buildings for anything that seemed out of place and frowned when he spotted Buck sitting on the bench outside of the clinic. The lanky gunman had a blanket draped across his shoulders to ward off the morning chill and was slumped forward, elbows propped on his knees, his face buried in his large hands. Chris couldn't be sure in the dim morning light, but he thought it looked like the big man's shoulders were shaking... as if he were crying.
Hurrying his steps, Chris entered the saloon and grabbed two cups of coffee before heading over to the clinic and his obviously distressed friend. He knew of only one thing at the moment that could bring Buck to the state he appeared to be in... something had happened with Ezra.
Chris stopped on the boardwalk beneath the clinic, listening worriedly to the muffled sounds that came from up on the landing. He'd been right... Buck was crying. Stepping heavily on the first few steps and clearing his throat as a warning to the other man, Chris made his way slowly up the stairs. When he reached the top, a glance at Buck confirmed that he'd been heard and the younger man had had time to get himself somewhat under control. He was still scrubbing at his eyes, but the weeping had stopped by the time Chris sat beside him on the bench.
Without speaking, the black clad gunslinger handed one of the cups he carried to Buck. While they sat quietly sipping the strong brew, Chris watched the ladies man out of the corner of his eye. He saw him shudder once or twice and take another swipe at his eyes with the back of one shaking hand, but no words were exchanged until they were both nearly finished with their coffee.
Just when Chris thought he was going to have to break the silence himself, Buck finally raised his head and gave him a small, crooked smile. "Just in case you haven't figured it out... we had a bit of a rough night."
Chris nodded toward the clinic door. "He alright?"
Buck shrugged and ran a hand across his face, scratching absentmindedly at his chin. "I'm not sure... I hope so." He turned his face toward Chris and the smile faltered as his blue eyes again welled with a hot rush of tears. "He knows..." Buck tried to explain, but his voice cracked and he just couldn't get the hated words out.
Chris stared at him for a moment, understanding darkening his hazel eyes. "That he's goin' away?"
Buck nodded and took a few deep breaths, struggling for some kind of control over his emotions so he could tell Chris what happened. "Might already be gone... won't know til he wakes up." He raised his eyes to look imploringly at the older man. "Could ya check on 'im? I just... can't... I can't make myself go in there... not yet."
Chris nodded and gave the broad shoulders a reassuring slap as he opened the door and entered the clinic. He stopped just inside the door and stared over at the man huddled beneath the blankets. Ezra lay on his right side, his face snuggled in the soft pillow, his thumb tucked securely in his mouth. He's sucking his thumb... is that a good sign, or is he just gonna be embarrassed as hell when he wakes up?
The man in black walked quietly over to the bed and squatted down beside it. He stared at the Southerner for a few moments, trying to decide if he looked any different or not. Sure, they all were praying for Ezra to recover... fully... every one of them missed their smooth-talking, gambling friend... but losing their Little One was such a high price to pay for that blessing.
Chris carefully laid his hand against the younger man's cheek, disappointed to feel the fever still warming his skin. He gently brushed back the few damp strands of hair lying across the smooth forehead before pulling his hand back. Chris was startled when Ezra's bright green eyes suddenly popped open. After staring dazedly back at the older man for a few seconds, Ezra smiled around his thumb and mumbled sleepily, "Hi, Chwis."
Chris grinned back and sat down on the bed beside him. "Mornin', Ezra." He watched in amusement as the gambler's long lashes fluttered several times, struggling valiantly to stay open. "It's early yet, little guy... why don't you go back to sleep for awhile longer?" Chris began running his hand up and down the smaller man's back and chuckled softly when he saw him lose the battle as his eyes finally closed.
"Wherwe's Buck?" Ezra asked without removing his thumb or opening his eyes.
"He's right outside, just gettin' a little fresh air. He'll be back in here in a minute... go to sleep now."
It only took a couple more passes over Ezra's back before he was once again sleeping soundly. Chris tucked the blanket up around his neck, eased himself up off the bed, and moved quietly back out the door to the landing.
Buck's eyes anxiously searched Chris's face as he came out of the clinic... his relief at seeing his friend's smile and hearing his whispered 'still here' was enough to bring tears of joy... and then guilt... to his eyes. He shook his head and dropped his gaze back to the floor, uttering a small bitter laugh. "Damn... hell of a friend I am, huh? Poor Ezra would hate what's happenin' to 'im now, an' here I sit grinnin' like a fool because he still ain't got his memory back yet."
Chris stared at the man sitting beside him... one of the kindest, most caring people he'd ever known... and one of the best friends a man could have. If it weren't for Buck, he knew he never would have been in a position to accept this little family they'd formed... he'd still be alone... locked in his grief over Adam and Sarah. "Don't be sellin' yourself short, Buck. Lit'l Ezra knew what he was doin' when he latched onto you... he couldn't have picked a better person to help him through this whole mess." Chris thought a minute and then chuckled. "And I'm not so sure old Ezra would hate this as much as you think."
Buck shot him a skeptical look and snorted derisively. "Yeah, right... he'd prob'ly have shot us by now if he knew what all we'd been doin' to 'im while he's been out of it."
"Oh, we definitely won't want any guns nearby if he ever finds out what really happened to him, but on the inside... where it counts... I've gotta feelin' he'd be touched that we'd go to so much trouble to try an' give him his childhood back." Chris smiled softly. "And you've done more to make that happen than all the rest of us put together. There's no way he's not gonna remember at least some of that... feel it in his heart, maybe. He probably won't know what to make of it, but maybe with a little friendly encouragement, he might be able to figure it out."
Chris saw an incredible sadness wash over his friend's face with that last statement. "Buck? You wanna tell me what happened last night? It must've been pretty bad judgin' by the look on your face."
Buck dropped his head wearily into his hands and felt himself begin to shake again. "God, Chris... I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life... or ever had my heart hurt that much." It wasn't easy, but he finally got Chris filled in on what he and Ezra had gone through during that long, emotionally draining night.
Heaving a ragged sigh, Buck turned to his friend and confessed, "I don't know how much more of this I can take, Chris... it's killin' me to see him sufferin' so much heartache over this thing an' yet I can't bring myself to pray for 'im to leave. And the thing that's got me the most worried is... what if..." Buck swallowed the sob that tried to escape and choked out his doubts. "what if I'm not doin' everything I could to help 'im get back there? What if the things I'm doin' an' sayin' are keepin' 'im a kid? Maybe I'm keepin' 'im this way without even realizin' it."
Chris wanted to kick himself for not noticing sooner how hard this had all been on Buck. Good old, easy-going Buck who never complained, never asked for help... just kept doing what he knew needed to be done... just kept giving of himself until this time, there almost wasn't anything left to give.
Chris leaned forward and laid his arm across Buck's broad shoulders and tried to find the right words to put his worries to rest. "First of all... I'm real sorry. We've pretty much backed off and let you shoulder most of the responsibility for Ezra just because you're so good with him, and because he got so attached to you so quickly. We should have pushed harder to get him to let one of us stay with him once in awhile so you could have time to step back from the whole situation."
Buck smiled gratefully at his old friend, thankful to have his effort noticed and appreciated. But Chris was wrong on one important point. "Thanks, pard... but I don't think it would've done any good for ya to try an' give me a break... I got just as attached just as fast. And as hard as this whole thing's been... there's no way I'd ever wish that it hadn't happened. I'm just sorry it took Ezra losin' his memory for us to see how bad he's been hurtin' all along. No one should have to go through life as alone as he's been... especially when he's got friends who are just waitin' for him to realize they're there for 'im." Buck's voice took on a tone of fierce determination with his next words. "I wasn't just tryin' to calm Ezra down when I made that promise to 'im... I intend to make sure that stubborn southern cuss remembers how much we all care for 'im. I ain't figured out how yet, but he is gonna feel the difference by the time I'm done with 'im."
Chris shook his head. Poor Ezra didn't stand a chance against Buck when he got a notion in his head like that. The gambler thought he was stubborn... he was about to find out what stubborn truly was. "I'm sure you'll find a way... and this time we'll be right there beside you to help. But I've gotta feelin' after all the love you've showered on him while he's been our Little One, he's gonna be able to hang onto at least some of that after he comes back to us. And you can just stop worrying about that... you've done everything you could to make sure that happens. Nothing you've done has kept him from regaining his memory... it's all been aimed at makin' his recovery as easy on him as it possibly can be. And I know damn good and well that none of us could have done anywhere near as good a job as you have with him."
"Well, I sure as hell hope you're right... I don't know what I'd-"
"Buck? Arwe you out d'erwe?"
The two men grinned at each other when they heard Ezra's childlike southern drawl.
"Yeah, pard... stay in the bed... I'll be right there." Buck scrubbed the last traces of tears off his face and stood up. "Ya know... it sure is gonna be hard gettin' used to Ezra's regular voice an' all those big words he throws around again. I'm gonna miss the nice, sweet, simple way he's got of talkin' now."
"Buck! Hurwy up! I need you!" Ezra's so-called sweet, southern drawl now had a definite whine to it and Buck couldn't help but laugh.
"Okay... now that I'm not gonna miss!"
Chris chuckled as he stood and slapped the ladies man on the back. "Sure you will. Just as soon as Ezra starts his usual griping and moaning about something that doesn't suit him, you'll be wishing he'd go back to that little whine he's using now." Chris gave him a little shove toward the clinic door while he turned and headed toward the stairs. "You go and see what our little brother wants, and I'll go back over to the saloon and grab some more coffee and some breakfast for us. Maybe we can surprise Nathan by getting Ezra to eat something."
"Buucckk!!"
Buck grinned at Chris's quickly retreating back. "Thanks a lot, Larabee. Ya sure you don't wanna check on the Little One while I get the breakfast?"
Chris practically ran down the stairs as he called back to the ladies man. "Now I couldn't do that, Buck... remember? You said you didn't want a break from him. Wouldn't wanna make you do anything you didn't want to. Have fun, big brother!"
Buck shook his head as he heard Chris's laughter echo up the stairs. "Thanks, ol' buddy! Just watch your back... it's my turn for revenge now!"
"Buck!! Wherwe arwe you? I need you!!"
"Keep your nightshirt on, Ezra... I'm comin'!" Buck shot a glare at Chris as he saw him disappearing into the saloon. "Oh yeah... I'm gonna get ya big time for this one, pard." Then Buck remembered the bath and chuckled. "Well, I guess now we're even."