Chris moved to within a few feet of Ezra and hunkered down in front of him. "Ezra? Can you hear me?" The Southerner turned his head in the gunfighter's direction and Chris could see that his eyes were unfocused and empty. "Come on, Ezra, you need to wake up now."
Ezra started slowly shaking his head, moaning softly as he raised his hand as if to ward off a blow... begging someone only he could see. "No... please don't. Oh God... no... please..."
Chris reached out for Ezra's hand, but was stopped suddenly as a string of tormented shrieks erupted from the gambler's throat. He heard the door slam open behind him as Vin, Buck, and Nathan barreled into the room, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from what was happening in front of him.
Ezra had risen to his knees and was clawing frantically at his back. A mask of unadulterated terror covered his face as his pain-filled cries continued to roll through the room. "Don't... God, please stop!! You're hurtin' me, Uncle Matthew!" They all watched, frozen in horror, as Ezra uttered one last heart-stopping plea... "Buck! Where are you? I need you!"... before he collapsed in the corner with his arms clutched tightly around himself, and began sobbing uncontrollably.
///Ezra knew what was about to happen... remembered it now clearly as he saw Matthew draw his arm back to deliver the next blow, pausing for a minute... cruelly letting the terror build in his young nephew. "No! Stop! Leave him alone, you bastard!!" Ezra pounded his fists helplessly against the barrier as he screamed at his uncle, but he knew nothing he did would stop him. All he could do was watch and listen, his heart breaking as he heard the small voice beg for mercy.
"No, Unca Maffew... pwease don't whip me again! I'm s-sowwy. I'll be good... I pwomise!"
Ezra saw the Little One's fingers clutch at the tiny shackles that bound his wrists and held him to the post, his small body tensed against the renewal of pain. The gambler's own fingers clenched and his body stiffened as he awaited the coming blow.
Matthew's arm finally whipped forward, the wide leather belt slashing viciously across the young boy's back, ripping a strangled scream from his throat as he pressed himself against the post, desperately trying to escape the pain.
Ezra's eyes widened and his scream joined that of the Little One's as he watched the belt connect and felt a fiery, burning sensation streak across his own back. Ezra's body jerked with every lash, his cries echoing the young boy's as the beating continued. "No, Uncle Matthew! Please stop!" Tears flowed down both their cheeks as the stiff leather dug agonizingly into their backs, buttocks, and legs. Both their hearts slowly filled with a mixture of pain and all-consuming guilt as Matthew continued to shout out their blame with every stroke of the belt. Ezra's gaze never left the horrific scene until he finally saw the Little One slip into a blissful, pain-free oblivion. Once he knew the boy was free from his uncle's torment, Ezra slumped to the ground, pressed his forehead against the barrier, and allowed his eyes to close. His body shook with heart-rending sobs as he begged for a release from his nightmare. "God... someone please wake me up. Buck? Are you there? Help me, Buck... please... help me...."///
Buck felt his heart clench as he listened to Ezra's anguished pleas and moved quickly around the bed, pushing Chris out of the way so could he kneel in front of the gambler. He reached out and put a tentative hand on his friend's shoulder. "Ezra? I'm right here, pard. You're safe now."
Ezra jumped at Buck's touch and tried to push himself further into the corner, rocking back and forth slowly as his sobs continued unabated. Buck tried to pull him into his arms, but that only increased his agitation, causing him to stiffen and begin a high keening moan as he rocked faster.
"Open your eyes, Ezra... look at me." Buck breathed a sigh of relief when he saw him hesitantly obey, but his relief was short-lived as he realized that the younger man was looking right through him. He was still locked in his nightmare.
The others watched in horror as Ezra began flailing wildly as if trying to break free from something or someone. His legs kicked out violently, knocking Buck back into Chris as he tried to beat away the threat only he could see. His moaning cries had become screams of terror and nothing Buck said or did was having any effect on the younger man.
///Ezra's sobs suddenly stopped as he felt something around him change. His eyes slowly opened when a hand touched his face, caressing his cheek as it gently wiped away his tears. "Buck?"
"Guess again, Nephew."
Ezra's heart thudded painfully in his chest, and he struggled to breathe as his eyes opened fully, and he finally focused on the man kneeling beside him. He jerked his head away from his uncle's disgusting touch and frantically looked back through the barrier to where he'd last seen the man. Ezra could see the two bodies still lying near the barn and the Little One still hanging limply against the post, his feet barely touching the ground, the toes of his little boots resting in the small pool of blood that had gathered beneath him. No one else. No hulking, beast of a man hovering over his younger self.
Ezra's blood froze in his veins as he realized the beast was really here... on this side of the barrier... leering at him... touching him. Finally breaking out of his shock, he jerked his head away from his uncle's hand and weakly began pushing himself backwards, trying desperately to move out of his reach. He moaned softly as he encountered another wall. "No... God, no... please." Ezra stared in horror as the sparkling mist suddenly swirled in closer, flowing over every inch of the barrier, blocking out everything except the small enclosed space he now found himself trapped in... alone with his uncle... his tormentor.
Matthew watched, a look of unholy glee on his face as he saw the panic grow in Ezra's eyes. "There's no way out, Ezra... you're mine now. To do with as I wish."
His uncle's voice slithered around him, enveloping him in a shroud of terror that threatened to destroy his very soul. Ezra squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out everything he was experiencing as he worked desperately to convince himself it was all just a dream. He'd wake up any minute now. <<It's merely another nightmare. Matthew's not really here... I'm not really here. I'm asleep in my bed above the sal—>>
Ezra's eyes snapped open as he felt hot, questing fingers wrap themselves around his ankle. He tried to kick out with his other foot, but his uncle was too quick for him and clamped his other hand around it, pinning it to the ground.
"What do you want from me? Why won't you just leave me alone?" Ezra's voice trembled with fatigue and fear as he struggled against the larger man's iron grip.
"What do I want? Why... to kill you, of course." Matthew laughed as he watched the blood drain from his nephew's face. "You have to die, you know... for what you did to me when you were a child."
Ezra frowned as his mind filled with confusion. "What I did to you? What are you talkin' about? I've never done—"
"Don't play games with me, Nephew... you'll only lose." Matthew turned and with a quick nod, cleared a tunnel through the mist, revealing the two tragic figures lying near the barn. "That's what you did." He stared hard at Ezra and continued. "And considerin' that you forced me to kill two innocent people, I wonder how you've lived with yourself all these years."
Ezra's breath caught at his uncle's words, and he stared again at the lifeless shapes, his eyes searching for some clue as to who they were. "I was only five... how could I have possibly made you do anything you didn't want to do?"
"Oh, believe me... you managed it. By disobeyin' me and interfering when I told you to stop. Surely you remember... or is guilt forcin' you to keep the memories of that day hidden?" Matthew moved in closer to Ezra, enjoying seeing the doubt cloud his eyes. He nodded again and the fog closed in once more. "That's what's causing your nightmares, Ezra... not me. It's that guilt you've got buried inside you. It was because of you that they died... you know in your heart that it's true."
Ezra fell back against the wall and began to sob weakly. "Oh, God... it is true... it was my fault... all my fault...."
"And now you're goin' to have to pay for causin' their deaths." Matthew felt the fight go out of Ezra and releasing his grip on the stricken gambler's ankle, began gently stroking his foot. "You know, Ezra, you were lucky when you were a child. I knew, no matter how much I wanted it, that indulging in my... feelin's... for you would be too much of a risk, and I was able to resist the temptation... but, unfortunately for you, your luck has run out now that you've grown into such a beautiful young man."
Ezra watched in paralyzed horror as his Uncle Matthew's fingers crept slowly up his legs, sliding the soft, cotton nightshirt out of the way as they caressed and fondled each new patch of skin. Ezra's tortured mind had reached its limit. Throwing his head back, he opened his mouth and screamed for the one person he knew who could rescue him from this never-ending nightmare. "BUCK!!"///
Buck pulled Ezra to his feet and wrapped his arms around him to stop his frantic movements while he tried to drag him back out of the depths of sleep. He winced as the younger man suddenly threw his head back against his shoulder and let loose with a horrendous scream of terror.
"BUCK!!"
The other three men hurried to help Buck... talking softly, trying to convince Ezra he was safe and begging him to wake up, but it just made him fight harder to get away. Nathan finally realized it was the tea he'd given him that was holding him in the nightmare and knew what he had to do. Warning the others to hang on to him... and whispering a heart-felt apology to Ezra... he drew his hand back and gave the smaller man a brutal slap across the face. It took two more tries before Ezra finally let out a loud gasp and stopped struggling in Buck's arms.
Nathan looked into Ezra's eyes and then spoke quietly to Buck as he motioned for the others to move away. "Talk to him, Buck. He's still not all the way back."
Buck loosened his arms slightly and wrapped his hands around Ezra's smaller ones, holding them against his chest, then bent his head down to speak softly in the gambler's ear. "I got ya, Ezra. You're here in your room. You're safe now." Buck smiled as Ezra turned his head slightly and looked up at him. He could still see some confusion in the jade green eyes that stared back at him, but he also saw a glimmer of recognition. "Ya with me, pard? Can ya talk to me... let me know you're okay?"
"B-Buck? Is it... is it really over?" Ezra's voice shook with the overwhelming relief that washed over him at the sight of Buck's smiling face.
Buck nodded and gently squeezed Ezra's hands. "Yeah, pard, it's over. 'Bout time ya came back to us."
A small, shaky smile of gratitude appeared briefly, but was quickly replaced with a fierce grimace of pain as a lightening bolt of agony speared through his brain.
"Oh God! Buck! My... head... I can't—"
They all stared in shock as his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed in Buck's arms. The older man slid to the floor and cradled Ezra against his chest, tears rolling down his face as he stared down at the crumpled figure of his best friend and whispered, "Help 'im, Nathan... for God's sake, help 'im."
Chris crouched down beside Buck and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Buck? Let's get Ezra in the bed so Nathan can take care of 'im."
Buck's eyes never left Ezra's face as he shook his head and wrapped his arms tighter around the smaller man. He gently stroked Ezra's reddened cheek and whispered softly to him when the gambler moaned, the pain of his headache so intense it even reached deep into his unconscious state to torture him.
Nathan knelt on the other side of the two men and forced Buck to look up at him when he saw Ezra shiver. "He's cold, Buck. We need t' get 'im in the bed. You're not helpin' 'im any by keepin' 'im down here on the floor."
Buck stared at Nathan and then let his eyes drift back down to Ezra. After feeling another shiver ripple through the slender form, he finally nodded and allowed Chris and Nathan to lift Ezra out of his arms.
Once they had him settled under the covers, Nathan carefully checked him over. When he was finished, he looked up at the others and shook his head. "He's not doin' too good. He was already tired an' run down... an' now this. I ain't even sure he'll be able t' make the trip unless his condition changes a whole lot between now an' the time we're s'pose t' leave."
"What the hell happened to 'im? How come we couldn't get 'im woke up?" Chris stared down at Ezra, nervously watching for any signs that the nightmare was coming back.
Nathan hung his head for a minute, rubbing absently at the back of his neck. The guilt that shone in his eyes when he looked up was almost painful to see. "That tea I made 'im drink had 'im so far under, he prob'ly couldn't even hear us callin' to 'im. I shoulda knowed it could happen, but I was jus' concentratin' on helpin' 'im get t' sleep. I never thought nothin' 'bout what would happen if we had t' wake 'im back up quick."
Vin shook his head at the healer. "Ain't your fault, Nathan. Bad as Ezra needed t' sleep, ya prob'ly woulda had t' take that chance even if ya had thought of it."
Ezra moaned and tossed restlessly in the bed while mumbling something about his uncle. Buck sat down beside him and grasped his hand, worried that the nightmare was returning to claim him again. "Easy, Ezra, you're gonna be okay now. We're right here with ya." They were all relieved when the smaller man's movements slowed and he seemed to relax a little. Buck glanced up at Nathan. "That why the headache hit 'im so hard this time?"
Nathan nodded. "Prob'ly 'cause he was in the grip of the nightmare for so long. It must be a damn strong one if he can feel the pain even while he's passed out." He looked at Chris and Vin and nodded toward the door. "You two oughta go try an' get some sleep. Ain't no sense in all four of us stayin' up with 'im. Buck an' I can handle it."
Both men stared down at Ezra, reluctant to leave him after watching him go through the hell of his dreams.
Chris glanced doubtfully at the ex-slave. "You sure, Nathan?"
Nathan nodded. "Positive. 'Sides, y'all need t' be rested up, 'cause I think we better start makin' sure someone's with Ezra whenever he's sleepin'." He reached out and smoothed out the blankets covering the unconscious gambler. "I damn sure don't want 'im sufferin' through anymore of those nightmares if we can stop it."
"None of us do." Vin picked up his hat and after settling it on his head, moved toward the door. "Just let me know when ya need me, Nathan."
Chris followed after the tracker, turning back to get one last look at Ezra before leaving. "You make sure you come get me if anything happens."
"He'll be all right. Jus' go get some sleep." Nathan watched in amusement as Chris still hesitated for a minute before finally slipping out into the hall and closing the door behind him. "Funny how all the gripin' an' moanin' Chris does 'bout Ezra jus' flies right out the window when he's sick or hurt. Hope Ezra knows how much that man really cares 'bout 'im."
"Shh, pard, you're all right." Buck smoothed Ezra's hair back as he uttered another soft moan. "He knows, Nathan." He smiled up at the healer. "He might not admit to it, but he knows."
Nathan saw Ezra wince in pain and sadly watched as tears began to seep out from under the long, dark lashes and slowly trickled down to pool on the pillow beneath his head. Leaning forward, he placed his hand against Ezra's face, the darkness of his skin accentuating the awful paleness of the gambler's. "Ezra? Can ya hear me?"
It took a few minutes, but Nathan finally saw Ezra give an almost imperceptible nod. "Can you open your eyes for me?"
They watched as he swallowed a couple of times, took a few shallow breaths and managed a hoarse whisper. "Can't... head hurts... too much... sor-ry."
"That's okay, Ezra. Don't worry 'bout it." Nathan gently wiped away the tears and then laid his hand on the younger man's shoulder. He could feel the muscles tensing under his fingers and knew Ezra was fighting valiantly for control over the pain. "Turn that lamp down, Buck... might help some."
Buck did as Nathan asked, kicking himself for not thinking of it before. When he turned back, he saw Ezra swallowing convulsively and heard him groan and immediately knew what was coming. "He's gonna be sick, Nathan."
Nathan glanced quickly around the room and spotted the wash basin sitting on the dresser. He hurriedly grabbed it as Buck helped Ezra sit up, wrapping his arms around the smaller man's middle to help support him.
Nathan made it back to the bed just in time. As soon as he sat down, Ezra reached out and grabbed the basin as his stomach began heaving. It seemed to go on forever, but the Southerner finally gasped and slumped back against Buck, moaning and clutching frantically at his head as the pain built to an unbearable level, scrambling his thoughts and leaving him breathless with its intensity.
Pouring some water onto one of Ezra's flannel wash cloths, Nathan handed it to Buck and then rushed downstairs to empty the basin before the gambler needed it again.
Buck wiped Ezra's face off, and then pulled his hands down and held them to keep him from hurting himself. "Hang on, pard, ya just gotta ride the pain out. It'll ease up soon."
Ezra shook his head and almost screamed with the sudden surge of agony the movement caused. "No... won't. 'S my p-punish-ment. Gotta... suffer... for what... I... did."
Buck thought about laying him back down, but then decided against it knowing he'd probably be sick at least once more before the headache left, and the less jostling around he had to endure the better. He frowned as Ezra's mumbled words finally registered. "Punishment? For what?" He bent over to look at the gambler and shook his head in confusion. "What the hell do you think ya need to be punished for?"
Ezra eased his eyes open a little and peered blearily up at him. "'S our fault... 's all our fault." His fingers dug into Buck's hand as he fought against the constant throbbing in his head. "Uncle Matthew tol' us it was... an' he was right."
Buck had to struggle to understand what Ezra was saying as the pain and exhaustion caused his words to slur and his accent to thicken. "Us, Ezra? Who's us, an' what's Uncle Matthew think ya did?" He knew he probably should try and get the Southerner to rest, but they needed to know if he was finally remembering part of his dream.
Nathan came back just in time to hear Buck's question and was about to warn him against pushing Ezra, when the gambler's mumbled answer shocked him into silence.
"Me an' the... the Little One. Tol' us we're... guilty... an' need t' be... punished." Ezra bit down hard on his lip and dug his heels into the bed in an attempt to gain control over the searing pains that were relentlessly trying to push him back into the void. He needed to tell them what he could remember about his nightmare before the memories were swept away again.
"Our Little One?" Buck glanced at Nathan who had moved over to join them on the bed and then looked back down at Ezra. "Was he in your dream?"
Ezra nodded and then began gulping in air as he fought against the waves of nausea that flowed through him. As soon as he thought he had it under control, he continued... his eyes filling with tears as he once more heard the boy's terrified cries echoing in his mind. Ezra stared sadly up at Buck and his voice shook with emotion as he spoke. "I had to... watch as that... bastard... whipped 'im. He hurt 'im, Buck. Hurt... us." Ezra began sobbing softly. "I could feel it, B-Buck. All the... pain. All the fear. I f-felt it all over again... r-right along... with the Little One."
"What's your uncle blamin' ya for?" Buck was sure his heart would break as he looked into Ezra's eyes and saw him reliving all the anguish and pain he'd been put through as a child. His arms tightened around the smaller man in an unconscious attempt to protect him from anymore hurt.
Ezra's voice dropped to a whisper, and he moaned softly as he forced the words out. "He k-killed them, Buck... both of them... an' it was our... f-fault." Ezra's eyes lost their focus as his mind drifted back to that horrible scene from his nightmare, forcing a shudder out of him as the image of the bodies appeared before him again. "Oh God... I can still s-see them, Buck. Still see them... lyin' there."
"Who, Ezra? Who'd he kill?" Buck fought to keep his voice low and steady so Ezra would continue. He knew they were finally hearing part of the reason he was being tortured by the nightmares.
Ezra's head throbbed as he tried once more to focus on Matthew's victims... tried to remember who they were... but it was still a blank. "Couldn't s-see their... faces." His gaze shifted to Nathan. "I tried, Nathan. I t-tried to see who they... were." His eyes drifted closed and his voice faded to a soft mumble that they had to strain to hear. "Can't 'mem-ber... who... but I... know we loved... them. Little One an' I... loved 'em... an' now they're... dead. We m-made him... do it. Didn't listen... tried t' get... the man t' help. 'S all our... fault." He shook his head slightly as if to clear his thoughts and grimaced as the pain worsened. "'S all my... fault."
Nathan poured some of the cold water onto the cloth Buck had used earlier, and pressed it against Ezra's forehead, hoping it would help ease the pain some. "Take it easy, Ezra... stop tryin' t' force it."
Ezra closed his eyes and leaned into the welcoming coolness of the wet cloth. "Have to... 'fore I f-forget what I... d-dreamed." He started to say more, but stopped as he realized he was losing the battle with his churning stomach. Ezra opened his eyes and stared helplessly at the healer. "Nathan... I'm goin' t'—"
Nathan had already placed the bucket he'd gotten from the kitchen beside the bed, and at Ezra's mumbled warning, he and Buck quickly turned the gambler over onto his stomach with his head hanging over the edge, and held him while he was sick. Once he was finally finished, Ezra pulled out of their supportive grip and curled up on his side, closing his eyes to block out the disgust he was convinced he'd see on their faces as they once again were forced to witness how weak he was. "God... I'm s-so... sorry."
Buck ran his hand slowly up and down Ezra's back and could feel the tiny tremors of exhaustion that continually rippled through him.
Nathan gently dabbed at Ezra's face, wiping away the sweat that had beaded up on his pale cheeks and the few tears that the younger man was unable to hold back. "Ain't nothin' for ya t' be shamed of, Ezra. Pain like that's bound t' make ya sick."
"Is you're headache easin' up any?" Buck knew that Ezra's headaches usually began to disappear once he'd thrown up, but it didn't look like that was happening this time. His face still held that pinched look around the eyes that indicated he was battling hard to mask the pain he was feeling.
They saw him hesitate for only a second before he whispered, "no... n-not really," and knew then just how much he was truly suffering.
"Damn, pard... must be hurtin' pretty bad if you're actually admittin' to it." Buck smiled sadly when he saw the corners of Ezra's mouth twitch slightly.
"You do realize... I'll deny... sayin' it... if—." Ezra started to raise his head to look up at Buck, but stopped suddenly when he was stricken with the worst pain he'd experienced yet. "Oh... God!... hurts!... it... hurts!"
Buck and Nathan both grabbed at him as he began to shake and claw at his head as if trying to dig out the pain with his bare hands.
"Ezra!! Stop! You're hurtin' yourself, damn it!" Buck had just managed to force his hands down, and Nathan had gained control of his thrashing legs, when he unexpectedly lunged for the side of the bed... nearly throwing all three of them off onto the floor.
"Shit...." Nathan managed to grab hold of Ezra's shoulders and get him over the bucket just as he started violently retching again.
Buck wrapped his arms around the gambler and fought to keep him from falling off the bed as his body was wracked by the gut-wrenching spasms. "I got ya, pard... just hang on."
Both men looked up when they heard a soft knock on the door and were greatly relieved to see Josiah walk in. The big man saw what was happening and hurried over to the bed to help hold Ezra down. He sat behind Nathan and placed one long arm across the Southerner's legs, anchoring them firmly to the mattress, and then reached up and began running his hand slowly across Ezra's back.
They were beginning to think it would never end, but finally, after what seemed an eternity, Ezra's convulsive movements slowed and then stopped. His sobbing gasps echoed softly through the room as he struggled to catch his breath, and after getting the gambler's mumbled assurance that he was through being sick, Nathan and Buck eased him up into a sitting position and settled him back against Buck's chest.
Nathan wiped his face off and got him to take a few sips of water, then stood and motioned for Josiah to take his place. He bent over and squeezed Ezra's shoulder lightly. "Ezra? I'm gonna go get ya somethin' for the pain an' t' settle your stomach. You jus' sit here with—"
"No! Na-than... please... don't wanna... sleep...." Ezra's hand came up to weakly grasp Nathan's as he stared pleadingly at him.
Nathan saw the fear in Ezra's gaze and felt a shudder run through the smaller man at the thought of having another nightmare, and hurried to reassure him. "It's okay, Ezra, I ain't givin' ya nothin' t' make ya sleep. It's jus' somethin' for the pain an' t' make ya quit throwin' up. That's all... honest."
Ezra stared at him as his tired mind tried to figure out if he was telling him the truth or just what he needed to in order to get him to take the medicine. "P-promise me, Nathan?"
The ex-slave smiled gently and nodded. "I promise ya, Ezra. That tea is what made the nightmare so bad... it had ya sleepin' so hard ya couldn't wake up, an' believe me... I don't never wanna see ya go through nothin' like that again." His expression turned serious and his sad dark eyes glistened with a hint of tears. "I'm real sorry that I didn't realize what that medicine might do t' ya, Ezra."
Ezra trembled slightly at the mention of his nightmare, but managed a small smile for Nathan as he shook his head. "S'all right, Nathan. No way you... could've known."
Nathan nodded his thanks, and after setting the basin on the night table where it would be handy if needed, grabbed up the bucket and left.
Josiah walked over and raised the window a few inches to let in some fresh air and hopefully push some of the stench of sickness out of the room, and then returned to the bed and began bathing Ezra's face with the cool, damp cloth. The gambler was panting softly as he fought to gain some bit of control over the dull throbbing that had settled behind his eyes and the queasy feeling that was still assaulting his stomach.
Buck felt Ezra flinch when Josiah pressed the cloth against his slightly swollen cheek, and looking down, saw that the imprint of Nathan's fingers were still clearly visible on the smaller man's pale face. He stopped Ezra's hand as he reached to investigate the reason for the pain and held it as he answered the Southerner's questioning look. "Nathan had to slap ya to bring ya outta the nightmare."
Ezra nodded and wearily closed his eyes as he whispered, "Thank him... for me."
Josiah smoothed Ezra's hair back and then cupped his face in his large hands, rubbing gentle circles over the gambler's temples with his thumbs. "Rest, Ezra... just let it all go for awhile. We'll be right here watchin' over you."
Ezra tensed at first, and then relaxed as he finally managed to push away his natural instinct to be in control and never show any weakness. He was sick and tired of living up to his dear mother's teachings... always appear strong, keep your true feelings hidden, don't let anyone get too close. Ezra didn't feel strong at the moment, and he suddenly realized it just didn't matter anymore who knew it. He wanted someone to see he was hurting, wanted to let them help him, and he actually relished the idea of someone comforting him and soothing away his fear and pain. With a soft sigh, Ezra gratefully gave himself over into their care.
Buck felt the tension drain out of the man he held in his arms and tightened his hold on him, wanting Ezra to feel safe and secure enough to allow the sleep he needed so desperately, to claim him. Buck still had hold of Ezra's hand and was surprised when it twisted around and the younger man's smooth, slender fingers linked with his own larger, callused ones. He squeezed Ezra's hand gently and felt an answering pressure on his.
"Don't worry, pard... I'm here. It's safe to let go." Buck felt Ezra's head nod slightly against his chest and watched his boyish features slowly relax.
Shortly after Ezra fell asleep, they heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Josiah looked over his shoulder as the door opened and motioned for Nathan to be quiet as he came in.
The healer walked over to the bed, placed the clean bucket on the floor within Josiah's reach, and then set the cup of herbal tea he'd made on the night table. "He sleepin'?"
Buck nodded and keeping his voice barely above a whisper, told Nathan that Ezra had finally quit fighting and given into the exhaustion.
"Ya wanna try layin' 'im down?" Nathan asked Buck, seeing him squirm uncomfortably against the headboard.
"I don't wanna take a chance on wakin' 'im up. Just gimme somethin' to put behind my back an' I'll be okay." Buck leaned forward just enough to allow Nathan to slip a pillow behind him and then leaned back again with a relieved sigh. "Thanks, pard... that's better."
Josiah continued gently massaging Ezra's temples as he looked up at Nathan. He caught him in the middle of a huge yawn and smilingly nodded at the door. "Looks like you need sleep as bad as our patient here does. Why don't you leave him in our capable hands and go grab some shut- eye yourself? One of us'll come get you if you're needed."
Nathan didn't want to leave Ezra anymore than Chris or Vin had, but he couldn't argue the fact that he was tired. "All right. Since he's sleepin' anyway." He gave them both a warning look as he moved back to the door. "Y'all jus' make sure ya wake me if he needs me for anything. Anything... ya got it? An' give 'im some of that tea if he's still havin' any pain or eelin' sick when he wakes up."
After Nathan left, Josiah shook his head and chuckled softly. "And he claims Chris worries too much."
Buck nodded and stared curiously at Josiah. "He said anything to you 'bout what's goin' on between him an' Ezra?"
Josiah shook his head and looked thoughtfully down at the gambler. "I don't think Nathan even knows what exactly's wrong, but I've got a feelin' that Ezra's not the only one who needs to put some ghosts to rest on this trip were making."
Buck sighed and leaned his head back. "Well, I just hope buryin' those ghosts'll fix whatever's wrong between them. They've both gone through a lot to make their friendship work, an' I'd hate to see it ruined by a bunch of garbage from their pasts."
Josiah stared pointedly at the two hands linked together on the bed, and then smiled at Buck. "Speakin' of friendships...."
Buck looked down and gently ran his thumb back and forth over the slender hand he still held clasped tightly in his. "I think you were right, Josiah... 'bout that connection of the soul business. I've gone over it again an' again, an' I just can't come up with anything else to explain this closeness we been sharin' since he had that amnesia." He looked up at the gentle preacher and shrugged. "I figured things'd go back to the way they were once he got better, but I... I still feel exactly the same as I did when he was Lit'l Ezra. He's become my brother and best friend, Josiah... the other half of me."
"And Ezra?" Josiah asked quietly. "Has he talked about it at all?"
"He's talked about it a little... more than I ever thought he would... an' he's pretty much had the same feelin's as me. He just was kinda spooked at first 'cause he didn't know where the hell they were comin' from." Buck grinned. "Kinda like the memories he was havin' of bein' our Little One."
Josiah laughed as he thought about Ezra's reactions to some of the things he'd said and done while he was 'five.' "I don't know how he kept all that to himself. I thought for sure he'd at least get desperate enough to ask you about any flashbacks he might have."
"What... an' risk embarrassin' himself by findin' out all those crazy thoughts he was havin' really happened?" Buck smiled down at the sleeping gambler. "The only thing he'd admit to was feelin' different 'bout him an' me... that he felt safe somehow with me, an' that it was okay for him to let his guard down when it was just the two of us."
"Ezra may not have realized it, but I think deep down inside he wanted someone like you in his life, Buck." Josiah looked down again at their joined hands and saw it as a sign of just how successful Buck had been in getting around all the defenses that Ezra had always used to keep everyone else out. "The rest of us could see how much he wanted to be able to trust us to accept the pieces of himself he kept hidden, but after a lifetime of guarding his heart so fiercely, the idea of allowin' us all in at once was just too much for him to handle. He needed one person to come forward and offer his own heart up to give him that chance to connect, and you did that when you took our Little One under your wing and opened yourself up to him."
Buck grinned when he thought about him opening up to his Little One. "Hell, Josiah... Lit'l Ezra didn't give me much choice in the matter. He grabbed onto my heart with both hands an' just wouldn't let go."
"Well, I only hope Ezra realizes how lucky he is that his younger self knew just which one of us to latch onto." Josiah saw Buck's expression turn serious as his arm tightened around the gambler.
"He's not the only one who's lucky, Josiah. Ezra's done just as much for me as you think I've done for him. He's given me a reason to feel needed again... and I've really missed that." Buck saw the older man staring at him, mild confusion in his eyes, and tried to explain how he felt. "When I was younger, I had my mama to look after. She told me once that it was in my nature to be a caretaker because even though I was just a kid, I took on the responsibility for her and all the other 'ladies' that she... um... worked with. Then when she was gone an' I got older, I had Chris. He used to need me to pull 'im back outta the bottle when the memories of Sarah an' Adam got to be too much for 'im, an' even Chris says he wouldn't have made it through that time without my help. But eventually, it got to a point where it wasn't working anymore, and I realized I'd helped him as much as I could. It was time to back off an' let 'im deal with the rest of the healin' in his own way before we ended up destroyin' our friendship. We'd been friends too long to let that happen."
"What about JD? The boy looks up to you and depends on your guidance."
Buck smiled sadly and shook his head. "He needed me at first... to show 'im the ropes, teach 'im how to survive out here... but the kid's doin' just fine now an' startin' to resent it if I butt in too much. He knows I'm still here for 'im whenever he needs me, but even he realizes that there are some things he's gotta figure out on his own, an' he can't do that if I keep tryin' to force my expert advice on 'im." He chuckled as he thought about JD's opinions on some of that advice. "Nothin's changed in how I feel 'bout the boy... we've got a real special friendship, an' he's still my kid brother an' always will be, but I've gotta back off a little an' give 'im room to grow now. Let 'im try his wings."
Buck looked down at the man sleeping trustingly in his arms. "But Ezra... well, Ezra truly needs me. He's tryin' to find his footing in this new experience of bein' part of a family an' havin' friends, an' he kinda depends on me now to be there to steady 'im while he learns how to balance his need for self-control an' independence, with our need to be a part of his life. Havin' 'im put his trust in me like that means everything to me because I know just how hard it was for him to do that, an' the fact that he didn't do it just for himself, but for me, too... to give me what he knew I had to have to feel complete... well, that just makes it all that much more special."
Josiah stared at Buck in amazement. This was a whole new side to his friend that he and the others had never seen before... one he realized they might have discovered if they'd just tried to look past the eternally cheerful, carefree facade that he always presented to the world. But Buck was their rock... the one who was always there, ready and willing to do whatever they asked of him... and unfortunately, they'd all just taken him for granted, never bothering to find out if there was anything he wanted from them in return.
Then here was Ezra... the one they'd always assumed had only his own interests at heart... who, even in the midst of his confusion over his own feelings, had still bothered to look close enough to see that Buck was hurting, too. He'd discovered that Buck had his own walls up, hiding a basic longing to have someone to take care of again, and even though it went against everything his painfully lonely life had taught him, he allowed Buck into his heart and admitted he needed his help.
Ezra mumbled softly and shifted restlessly in the older man's arms. "Buck?"
Buck squeezed his hand and spoke quietly in his ear. "I'm right here, Ezra."
Josiah reached out and laid his hand on the gambler's leg. "We're both here with you." He saw Ezra wince and felt him tense up. "Still got the headache?"
"Mmm-hmm." Ezra's eyes opened slightly, but he wasn't quite fully awake.
Josiah picked up the mug Nathan had left and held it to the younger man's lips. "Here, Ezra... drink this tea... it should help ease the pain."
As soon as Ezra felt the edge of the cup touch his lips, he twisted his head away. "No! Not again! Uncle Matthew's jus'... waitin' for... me t' come... back." Tears glittered in his dark lashes as his head tossed fretfully against Buck's chest. "Please don't... send me back... there. No more... n- nightmares... please?"
Josiah pulled the cup away before the gambler spilled it, and Buck leaned over and pressed his head against Ezra's to stop his frantic movements. "Easy there, pard, it's not that kinda tea. Remember? Nathan promised ya he wouldn't give ya anything like he did before... this is just for the pain."
Ezra looked to Josiah for confirmation of what Buck was telling him, and finally stopped trying to pull away when he saw the big man nod. "Buck's tellin' you the truth, Ezra... it's just gonna help take away the headache... that's all."
Ezra stared for a moment, and then nodded as he reached out to take the tea. Josiah helped steady the younger man's hand as he slowly drank, and then took the cup away when he was finished and set it back on the table.
Josiah watched as Ezra's lids began to droop again, and gently ran his hand up and down the gambler's arm. "Go back to sleep, son."
Ezra forced his eyes back open and peered blearily up at Buck.
"Josiah's right, Ezra... ya need to get some more rest. Would ya be more comfortable if I laid ya down?" Ezra shook his head. The headache wasn't quite as bad if he was sitting up, and as much as he hated to admit it... he wasn't quite ready to leave the safety of his friend's arms. The terrors of his nightmare had yet to fade completely... they hovered in the back of his mind, just waiting to make a reappearance. Buck smiled at him and shifted his arm from around Ezra's shoulders to push his head gently back down against his chest. "Okay, pard, that's fine with me. Just lean back here, close your eyes, an' go to sleep."
Ezra fought to stay awake long enough to ask one last favor. "Promise me... one... thing."
"Anything."
Ezra heaved a shaky sigh as his eyes slid closed, and whispered, "Please don't... let me dream, Buck. Jus'... don't let me... dream."
Buck glanced sadly at Josiah and then hugged the gambler gently as he whispered back, "We'll do our best, pard... I promise."