Disclaimer: All the characters from the "Magnificent Seven" T.V. series are property of Trilogy Entertainment, The Mirisch Group, MGM Worldwide.
When Mary Travis arrived in the saloon, she had no idea how she was going to bring Ezra to the clinic without everyone being privy to the reason for this sudden summons. It was late in the evening, so the Standish Tavern would be filled to capacity with the full gamut of drinking types and revellers. True enough, Mary's entry through the bat wing doors of the smoke filled room, allowed her to see that almost every inch of space before the bar counter was occupied by a variety of patrons. They ranged from cattle hands back from the trail, to the harder men who used their guns to make a living and even the bored husbands looking for company with the working girls present.
In this collection, she saw Chris and the friends who protected Four Corners in their capacity as the town's lawmen. She saw Chris and Vin engaged in conversation at the bar, laughing at something that Inez was saying to them. Buck was in the corner of the room with the new saloon girl Mary had seen around town who was called Jennifer, introducing her to his reputation as the town's Lothario. Josiah, Nathan, JD and Ezra were seated at their table as always with the Southern dandy dealing out the cards as they prepared to indulge in their gambling urges.
Mary felt reluctant to enter the room even though she had invaded this less than savoury bastion of male dominance on numerous occasions. Still, with the exception of Inez, it was not at all appropriate for a woman of her distinction to be in the place. It was almost tolerable during the day but under no circumstances did Mary want to be here at night. However, she forced herself through the doors because Julia was hurt and undoubtedly, Ezra would want to know. She pushed her way through when Chris Larabee, whose highly observant gaze missed nothing, made the customary but surreptitious sweep of the room and caught sight of her.
Mary was relieved to see him and halted her advance unto the premises when he rose off his stool immediately and made his way towards her, their brief eye contact relating to him that something was happening. Vin who had seen Chris' gaze, fell into stride with his friend and very soon, both men were upon her.
"What's up?" Chris asked quietly.
"Something's wrong with Julia." Mary whispered, not anyone wanting to know what she had seen only a few minutes ago. "She's hurt."
"How?" Vin inquired just as softly.
"I don't know." Mary responded, even though she had a very good idea if the blood on the saddle was any clue of what condition currently ailed Julia Pemberton. Still, she knew how delicate a situation this was and did not wish to elaborate until they were well away from here. "We need to tell Ezra."
"I'll do it." Vin offered and slipped away into the crowd once more as Chris led Mary out of the saloon. While he understood her need to come into the establishment at times, Chris did not like Mary being in the saloon any more than she liked coming there. Besides, since he was somewhat aware of Ezra's problems at the moment, he wanted to query Mary on what was actually wrong with Julia and knew she would rather speak of it where there was a little privacy.
They stepped out in the evening air and already the afternoon crowds on the street had thinned out considerably, which made discussion of the subject at hand all the more easier. Mary was glad to be out of the place, away from the scent of liquor and unpleasant stench of cigars and smoke.
"Where is she now?" Chris inquired as they waited for Vin to bring Ezra out of the saloon.
"Alex is taking her to the clinic." Mary informed dutifully, still somewhat concerned about the woman because of the blood she had seen. While Julia had not made much effort to be friendly since her arrival in Four Corners, she had more or less grown on them all. It was difficult not to find a soft spot for the little schemer whose manipulations of people were almost mesmerising to watch and yet despite her nature, Julia had attempted to make some amends to the people whom she had hurt the most. While Mary could never consider her a close friend, she could to some extent call her an acquaintance and Mary had decided a long time ago that if Alexandra Styles could find forgiveness for Julia then she could do the same.
Chris did not ask her any more than that because he had given his word to Ezra to remain silent on the subject of Julia's pregnancy. Whether or not Mary was aware of that fact was something they would discuss when they were alone and he was certain that he was not betraying any one's confidences. Ezra and Julia had difficult decision before them and either Chris or Mary's interference should not complicate it.
"Chris I think she might have been pregnant." Mary confessed unaware of what was going through his mind.
"How do you know?" Chris looked at her, hiding all traces of prior knowledge in his eyes as he did so.
"A woman knows." She said enigmatically before the creaking of hinges and approaching footsteps, caused them both to face the doors to the saloon to see Ezra and Vin making their appearance. The confusion in the gambler's face was apparent, as Vin had not told him anything except that his presence was needed outside, away from the others.
"Mr Standish," Mary immediately went towards him. "Its Julia."
Panic crossed his face in a second and then disappeared under that cool southern exterior. "Where is she?" He asked simply, his expression was unreadable and Mary knew at that instance that he was unsurprised by her announcement.
"At Alex's clinic." She replied and Ezra started walking no sooner than the words had crossed her lips. As he brushed past her, Mary and Chris exchanged a brief glance before Vin joined them and they fell into step behind Ezra who was now several paces ahead.
Mary could think only one thing as the followed the gambler.
He knew.
Alex helped Julia into the clinic and was aware during the laboured journey just how much pain the woman was enduring. A part of her was furious at Julia for doing this because she was a doctor long enough to know what these back alley quacks were capable of inflicting upon their patients. The blood was not noticeable against the dark of Julia's skirt but Alex could smell the metallic stench as she helped Julia who was groaning softly in pain, into the examination room that was sectioned off from the rest of her surgery by a white partitioning.
The pain Julia was experiencing was considerable to say the least, for the petite redhead was almost incoherent with agony by the time Alex helped her onto the examination table so that the doctor could inspect the extent of the damage. However, one thing was clear to Alex when she pulled on her surgical gloves and readied herself for the examination, Julia had not undergone her 'surgery' willingly. Through the haze of trauma, Alex heard the mutterings of a person emotionally distressed by what had happened to her. Although she knew none of the specifics of the actual procedure, Julia's state of mind did not correspond with someone who had been relieved of a particularly difficult situation. Instead, Julia showed all the earmarks of grieving for the child that would now never be.
"I deserve this you know." Alex heard Julia mumble as the doctor started cutting away the clothes on her body. It was far simpler than attempting to remove the confining material by conventional means. Julia was hardly in shape to do anything.
"Don't talk," Alex instructed, requiring concentration as pieces of fabric fell away. "You need to reserve your strength."
"Reserve my strength for what?" Julia looked up at her with a sudden burst of clarity. Emerald coloured eyes stared back at Alex with clear defeat. The beautiful face for which so many men had sold their souls to possess showed vulnerability as well as lines of grief that was clearly etched in her alabaster skin for all time. "I killed his baby! He's never going to forgive me!"
"Calm down." Alex said letting the words bounce off her as she added another bloodied strip to the soiled collection. It was the pain that was doing the talking now; Alex recognised that and had to maintain her professional detachment if she was to be any assistance to Julia Pemberton. "Ezra will understand."
"Understand?" Julia laughed shortly as she leaned back on the table and stared at the ceiling with tears filling her eyes. Large drops of salty tears rolled down the sides of her cheeks before becoming lost in her hair. "He told me before I went to that place that we could raise this child. You should have heard him." Her voice started to crack. "He was so earnest about it and it gnawed at me all the way there that he might be right."
"Julia don't talk." Alex replied, her attention was mostly focussed on what she was doing to concentrate on the words her patient was trying to say in order to receive some form of absolution.
"I need to!" She barked. "Because no one will believe me when I try to explain it, certainly not Ezra." She started weeping in deep ragged sobs.
Alex wished she could offer the distraught Miss Pemberton some comfort but her interest was more focussed on Julia's body rather than her mind at this point. By now, Alex had stripped off most of her clothes and had covered Julia with a blanket as she began the preliminary examination. "Okay tell me." Alex prompted, hoping that the permission to speak would allow Julia to calm down and give Alex the freedom to do what was required.
"I went there and I was all set to do it." Julia said through her tears. "I mean it would be gone and everything would be back to normal but then there was this voice in my head and it kept repeating everything Ezra said to me." She paused a moment as another bout of sharp pain refreshed itself in her body and she had to fight the urge to pull her knees up to her stomach because she knew Alex was conducting an examination of her. "I was sitting there on this filthy table, looking at those disgusting instruments and something inside me just snapped. I couldn't go through with it! I just couldn't let that man touch me at least until I knew if what Ezra said was right."
This did make Alex pause as the full implication of Julia's words impacted in her mind. "I don't understand, if you decided that you weren't going to do it... ."
"He said that I had nerves." Julia continued and halted Alex's inquiries any further. "He said it was natural to be afraid and that he was not going to let all that money go." She started laughing even though there were more tears in her eyes. "He said I'd thank him later."
"Are you telling me he did it even though you said no?" Alex demanded, unable to believe that someone could commit such a monstrous act.
"He said there was nothing to be afraid of and he put this filthy rag to my mouth. It smelled strange so I fought him," Julia whispered started slipping back into her tears now. "I fought him but he had it over my mouth and he was strong. I couldn't stop him and when I breathed it in, I couldn't do anything any more. When I woke up, it was over."
Alex felt herself tense with outrage but forced away her self-righteous wrath for the moment. She was about to respond to Julia's awful tale when suddenly she heard the door open and knew that it was Mary bringing Ezra to the clinic. She thought quickly, trying to decide what to tell the gambler and knew that Julia was right, her story was hard to believe unless one there to experience it first hand or if one was the doctor who had heard her anguished confession.
A few months ago and Alex would have happily allowed Ezra to learn the truth and feel no remorse at watching him cast Julia aside as she had been similarly despatched when Ezra had confessed his love for the Easterner. Except that it was Julia whom had permitted Alex to explore the feelings she possessed for Vin Tanner. Despite the pain of the ending their relationship, Alex could say with all honesty that she could never have felt the same way for Ezra that she did with Vin. In the time since then, Alex had almost come to see the manipulative Julia Pemberton as a friend, albeit not the closest one she had. Alex had resolved her anger with Julia long ago and right now, if Julia was accurate, the woman's relationship with Ezra was hanging by a thread unless Alex intervened.
Alex looked at her sobbing her tears of regret and felt her own heart constrict inside her chest because the pain Alex saw in Julia's eyes was no facade. Alex of all people knew the tricks that Julia played and decided that this display of sorrow was no act but genuine grief. Alex did believe this butcher in Purgatory had done what she had alleged.
"Mary, are you out there?" Alex called out before she stepped out of the partition.
"I'm here Alex," Mary's familiar voice responded.
"Where's Julia?" Ezra demanded, fear apparent in his voice. Alex saw Julia flinch as if his words were a physical blow of a great pain about to be endured.
Taking a deep breath, Alex decided what she was going to do and took Julia's hand in hers and whispered softly. "Play along me Julia," she instructed glancing at the shadows of her friends through the white linen partitioning. "I'll take care of everything." Then in a louder voice, she called out again. "Mary, come behind the partition. The rest of you stay where you are."
Julia looked at her confused and wanted to question what Alex had meant by her strange words when Mary Travis stepped into the narrow cubicle where Alex would soon perform her treatment.
"Is she all right?" Mary asked and saw the blood stained clothes on the floor. Her question died in her throat as Alex advanced towards her and announced without any hesitation.
"No," Alex shook her head sombrely as she met Mary's gaze. "She had a miscarriage."
"Oh no," Mary exclaimed, completely aware of how terrible a thing it could be having suffered one herself no so long ago. "How?"
"Mary I don't have time to explain it to you at this moment," Alex said abruptly, having not thought that far ahead to concoct a suitable explanation. "Could you please stay with her while I talk to Ezra?"
"Of course," Mary hurried to Julia's side.
The redhead was staring at Alex in nothing less than astonishment but quickly hid her surprise when Mary reached her. The widow took Julia's hand in hers and offered a genuine smile of sympathy. "It's going to be okay," Mary smiled reassuringly as she ran a soothing hand over Julia's feverish brow. "We'll take care of you."
As Julia saw Alex slip through the partitioning to greet Ezra, she was starting to believe that Mary could just be right about that.
"I want to see her." Ezra demanded as Alex made her appearance before the gambler, Chris Larabee and Vin Tanner. "Is she all right?"
By now, Alex had formulated some sort of convincing explanation that would make Ezra believe that the reason Julia no longer carried their child was anything but the cause of a forced abortion. She told herself that what she was doing was for the best interest of her patient but a deeper feeling existed inside Alex that felt Julia had suffered enough and did not require Ezra's enmity as well. She was glad Vin was present for the tracker offered her a comforting smile as she came into his appearance. Vin's love was the reason she climbed out of bed some days and she would had to see Julia robbed of that same feeling at a time when she needed Ezra the most.
"I'm sorry Ezra," Alex sighed, wishing this sort of news could be delivered better or at the very least delivered by someone else. "She has suffered a miscarriage."
Ezra blinked hard, trying to control the pain but could not. He was somewhat surprised by how much the loss affected him considering how they had received news of Julia's pregnancy to begin with. This should have been a relief after the conflicts both of them had been enduring the past day but it was not. The irony of the situation was not lost upon him seeing that just when he was ready to accept fatherhood, the opportunity was cruelly ripped from him.
"How did it happen?" He asked as Vin patted his back in the age-old gesture of support among the male of the species.
"Its difficult to say," Alex said carefully and was aware that Vin was looking at her hard. She tried to hold her best poker face because if she was lying, there were no three people on this Earth who would be able to detect it better than Chris Larabee, Vin Tanner and Ezra Standish.
"Early stages of pregnancy is often unpredictable. A foetus forms in a very fragile environment and if the requirements of that environment is to the slightest degree less than perfect, the process can abort." Alex answered, hoping that she made a convincing argument. "Now, I have to go back in there to see what other damage had occurred so please, it would be best if you waited upstairs."
Ezra sucked in his breath and said nothing to refute her statement or his belief that she was being anything but absolutely truthful to him. Alex hated to lie but this way was far more compassionate on Julia then telling Ezra the whole ugly truth.
"Come on Ezra," Vin urged, leading Ezra away from the doctor so that she could begin her work. "Let Alex do what she has to."
Vin guided Ezra to the flight of stairs leading to the second floor of the building where Alex resided with Chris following closely behind. However, she did notice the tracker's blue eyes brushing past hers briefly as he departed. His gaze met hers with such intensity that Alex knew without doubt that Vin Tanner could tell that she was lying. He could read her as well as she had learned to decipher his enigmatic moods.
Still, Vin was aware that as a doctor, there were some things she could not discuss with him. Whether or not what she was now hiding from him fell into that category, he could not say. In any event, he was not about to pursue it with her at this time. Instead, he did as she wanted and guided Ezra upstairs so she could do what was necessary to help Julia Pemberton.
"I had actually entertained thoughts of running to Mexico when she first told me." Ezra mused as he sat at the kitchen table with Vin and Chris, feeling this deep void in his soul that he could not seem to fill in light of Alex's announcement. "I mean do I look like the paternal type to you?"
"Not really." Vin said with a faint smile as he poured Ezra a cup of coffee after making a fresh pot. Fortunately, his intimacy with Alex allowed the tracker to become very familiar with where everything was in her house, in particular her kitchen although he was disappointed that there was nothing stronger than coffee in her cupboards. At the moment, Ezra really did look like he needed a stiff drink. "I can't even imagine you owning a cat." The tracker tried to joke.
"Exactly," Ezra continued in that same dazed monotone. "I kept fish once and they died. What was I going to do with a child?" He glanced at Chris who had opted to remain silent.
Chris was never very good at offering comfort. In fact, he was downright terrible if he was forced to admit it. He never knew how to sympathise with anyone when there was still so much grief in his own soul regarding Sarah and Adam's loss. How could he give people hope with words when he felt nothing of the kind for so long? It just seemed hypocritical.
"But then I considered the matter at great length and decided that perhaps it was not as impossible as it seem. After all, a great many people seem to have little difficulty in raising a number of offspring and perhaps it might even be a challenge." Ezra was careful to omit Chris' part in his decision to accept responsibility of Julia's child because he knew the gunslinger would feel uncomfortable about it, even to Vin.
"It ain't never gonna not happen Ezra," Vin spoke, feeling badly for his friend because he wanted children with Alex some day and he knew he would be similarly crushed if such a thing happened to her. "This time, it just wasn't mean to be."
"After all the soul searching and personal examination, I feel as if I was playing with a stacked deck and all my effort was for nothing." He sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. "Julia was never even allowed to become accustomed to the idea."
"She must be feeling pretty badly by now." Vin pointed out, wondering how women endured such loss. How did it feel to have life so close in one's grasp and snatched away before it even had a chance to begin?
"She was so frightened by the prospect of impending motherhood that I am at a loss to know how she would feel on this subject." Ezra confessed, remembering how adamant she had been of ridding herself of 'it'. He remembered how she could not even bring herself to acknowledge it as a baby and felt a little resentment.
"Women can be real strange about children." Chris spoke for the first time. "Sarah had moments where she would cuss at me and call me all sorts of names about how she hated that I did this to her." Chris tried to suppress a smile as he remembered Sarah in her worst hormonal rages. "I'd get things thrown at me and food too. Sarah had a temper on her. I actually thought she was going to kill the poor baby the minute he turned up but when Adam did come... ." Chris paused a moment. While it was becoming easy to speak of Sarah and Adam these days, it was still difficult to remember them. "She was so happy. People always assume that motherhood is a natural thing for women, that it's something that they ought to know, not like it is with men."
"I will refrain from using my mother as a subject case in your argument Mr Larabee," Ezra tried to joke, understanding what Chris was trying to say. "It is too obvious an example."
"Truth is," Chris continued. "It scares them just as much as it scares us. More so in fact because we can get on our horses and ride away, no baby is gonna follow us if we decide we don't want nothing to do with it. It ain't the same with women. Its theirs to carry for the whole time, all the while feeling scared that everything they do shapes the life inside them."
"I never thought of it that way," Vin said easing back into his chair, giving the point serious consideration. He had very little to do with women throughout his life, even when he was living with the Indians. Until Alex, Vin had not even been in a serious relationship to know how women regarded motherhood than what he had seen in passing.
"I hope Julia is all right," Ezra whispered. "I became so enraptured at the possibility of being a father, I never even tried to understand how terrified she must have been." He knew she was afraid but he thought it was just the same fears that he possessed. In fact, Ezra had done everything possible to make Julia to think of her pregnancy as a child. Now he cursed himself for doing so because the pain would be doubly worse for her now.
"I'm sure she is." Vin tried to reassure him, seeing the worry in his eyes that Ezra was trying desperately to hide under his usual charming facade. "Alex would have said so otherwise." He pointed out.
However, Vin made no mention of what he had seen in Alex's eyes when he had left the clinic with the others. Alexandra Styles had more or less stood before them earlier and lied. While he knew her motivations must have been for good reason, he knew she did not lie easily and felt uncomfortable about doing so to her patients or their loved ones. Thinking how Alex had lied, led Vin on an uncomfortable train of thought that culminated in the possibility that the perhaps the miscarriage was not the real truth. Vin was no innocent, he knew that there were women who went to great lengths to rid themselves of unwanted pregnancies at perilous costs to themselves. Desperation could force a person to endure anything.
The question was did Julia?
Vin had no idea how to feel about that if his suspicions were true. As a man, he could not possibly understand the anxieties that might drive a woman to such danger or the resistance to the idea of impending motherhood. However, he did guess that the reason for Alex's desire to keep this discreet. If Julia had done what he believed, then she had also committed a crime that was punishable by the same laws that dispensed justice to murderers. If anyone found out, Julia could find herself in a world of trouble not to mention what Ezra would think of the whole thing.
Still, if Alex found it in her heart to forget her past enmity with Julia and cover for her then she must have had good reason and Vin had enough faith in the woman he loved to wait and see what that might have been.
Julia had fallen into a fitful sleep once Alex had sedated her. Nevertheless, Mary still sat by the younger woman's side, running her soft hands over Julia's brow like she would do to a child, offering soothing comfort even in Julia's slumber. Alex worked under the sheet covering Julia, saying little to Mary because her concentration was firmly focussed on her patient. There were beads of sweat running down the doctor's forehead as she treated Julia, reaching for instrument that returned to the tray they came from bloodied and soiled.
Mary tried not to look and wondered if Alex had performed the same procedure on her when she had her miscarriage. The subject made her decidedly uncomfortable and forced the memories away. She wondered how Julia would have taken to knowing that a child was on the way. Mary was almost tempted to ask but knew that Alex was bound by the tenets of doctor patient confidentiality and was not allowed to disclose such information.
"How is it going?" Mary finally asked, unable to bear the silence any longer.
Alex looked up and scolded herself for not still keeping Mary here, now that Julia was sedated. "I'm sorry Mary," Alex quickly apologised. "I had not meant to keep you here so long. I just wanted someone with her while I do what I have to."
"Its all right," Mary reassured her that no offence was taken. "I'm just getting a little queasy being in here." She glanced at the instruments to make her point. "But how is she?"
"She'll be okay." Alex sighed, feeling no joy in that knowledge. The mental trauma to Julia was far worse than any physical wounds and Alex could not heal those as easily. It required a remedy far greater than those at Alex's disposal. "There's little else I can do except for a curette."
Alex did not add that she had made a thorough examination of Julia to ensure that the 'doctor' in Purgatory had not damaged her during the procedure. While the man's work was indeed that of a clumsy surgeon, he did managed to conduct the surgery with minor abrasions only and nothing that could prevent Julia from having children in the future, if she so wished it. Alex supposed she had to be grateful for that.
"It could have been worse." Mary pointed out, aware that Alex was taking her inability to help Julia hard. Even though Mary had never said a word about it, she knew how guilty Alex had been when she had suffered her own miscarriage. Alex's need to help sometimes clouded her professional distance and while that made her a wonderful doctor, the personal cost was great.
"I know." Alex said gloomily, continuing with what she was doing. "Its just hard to admit failure sometimes and I have a feeling Julia is not going to recover from this as easily as we might think."
"She has Ezra to help her through this." Mary reminded. "Trust me," the widow said with some measure of personal knowledge in this matter. "When it hits her that support will mean a great deal."
Alex wondered if it would mean all that much considering the guilt Julia would no doubt have once she woke up. Normally, she would expect Julia Pemberton to shrug this situation off and not think twice about the matter but Alex had remembered what she had said when they had first come to the clinic. Julia's grief and sorrow had been real as well as her remorse and the doctor did not doubt that the days ahead for her would also yield much guilt.
Alex could have helped Julia when she had come to her initially for that very reason. Julia had come to the one person that would have most reason to refuse her because she had been that afraid. Alex should have known refusing would have driven her to this end. Well, Alex had been unable to help her then but she could do this now and deep inside, Alex prayed it was not too little too late.
There are moments one regrets forever, despite all the moralising and the platitudes that come with attempts at consolation. Throughout her life, there had been many things that she had been ashamed to admit doing, especially in those silent hours of the night when there was no one, except herself looking in dark mirror of secret reflection. During those times, who she was could not be concealed behind an engaging smile and in those wee hours, it was easy to feel some measure of accountability.
Julia Pemberton woke up from her black sleep and knew that this time, there was no need for such deep reflection. The accountability she feared reared its ugly head almost as soon as a conscious thought entered her waking mind. She opened her eyes and found that she was in one of the beds in Alex's infirmary, dimly lit by a lamp fluttering its light on the bedside table next to her. The intense pain that had gripped her earlier on was gone. All there was in its place was this hollow feeling that had no words to describe it and told her that while she was still alive, the baby inside her was gone.
The baby.
Since when had it become so real to her? A matter of hours ago, it was merely some unpleasantness that needed to be banished from her with as much speed as possible. Now it was her child, except she would never have a chance to know it because she had been responsible for its murder! She could not call it anything else. She could not absolve herself of anything even if that butcher at Purgatory had defied her wishes and perform the surgery anyway. She had gone there in the first place! Julia had not even given Ezra or the life inside her the time to contemplate the possibility. Her terror had propelled her to that hive of savages where she had willingly entered the slaughterhouse and allowed such at thing to be performed on her.
Julia was weeping even before she was aware that there was tears in her eyes. The anguish escaped her like a breath of air and in its freedom, clenched her heart in its cold fist.
"Julia?" She heard the muffled voice of someone beside her.
Trying to stifle her tears, she turned around and saw Ezra Standish sitting up in armchair next to her bed. In her distraught state of mind, she had not even noticed him there until now. By the look of him, her tears had awakened him after spending who knows how long asleep in that chair. Outside, it was still dark and Julia felt her chest tighten, knowing that he had remained at her side throughout most of the night.
"Ezra." She whispered staring at him.
"Are you all right my dear?" He asked, reaching for her hand as he came quickly to her side. The worry in his eyes was apparent even though he hid it behind a confident smile, meant for her benefit.
"Yes." Julia responded somewhat dejectedly. "I'll live." She had stopped crying now but she regarded him with tear filled eyes, almost in anticipation with what he would say.
Ezra pulled his chair towards him with an outstretched foot while still holding her hand and covering her forehead in gentle kisses meant to soothe. "I am so sorry that this happened." Ezra whispered, trying to hide the emotion in his face at his own feelings of loss. "As Mr Tanner put it so eloquently, it just was not meant to be."
Julia swallowed the tears that wanted to come because she knew how much of a lie that was. She could not bring herself to tell him the truth out of her terrible fear of losing him too and yet she felt less than human for lying to him. Still, she would not allow him to endure that pain as well and so the burden would be hers exclusively.
As it should be.
"I guess not." She said quietly.
"Julia," he replied pressing his lips against her in a gentle kiss. "I love you more than I love any baby. Perhaps we may be presented with the same opportunity once more but I am content to simply have you until then. I do not want you to think in anyway that this was anything but unfortunate luck. Sometimes, the cards are merely dealt that way."
Julia wanted to cry now hearing those wonderfully delivered words that were meant to take away all her apprehensions and fear only made her feel worse. She wondered if Alex had been kind by lying for her. Perhaps this was one moment where she needed to simply tell him the truth. However, as she looked into his eyes and saw the love that he had for her, the genuine need to know that this was a fate, Julia knew she could not destroy all that. How she felt at this moment, could not endure his hostility if he learnt the uglier truth.
"Thank you Ezra," she whispered softly. "It means a lot to hear you say that you don't blame me for this. I did after all wish it gone so many times."
"Do not concern yourself with such thoughts," he responded by shaking his head to brush away such notions. "I have not. I know you were afraid and it was the fear that was making itself heard. I felt the same apprehensions myself but it appears that this time at least, it was not meant to be. I have no doubt that one day we will have a household of offspring to sap away our youth." He joked.
Julia managed a small laugh and winced because the pain that came from it was acute. "I do love you Ezra," she swallowed. "And however I might have behaved earlier, there was a point when it did not just become something I should rid myself off. You must believe me that it was a child to me when I realised that it was lost."
"I know." Ezra said tenderly. "I never doubted that Julia." He eased himself down on the chair and said with a faint smile. "You have been an unmitigated pain in the derriere since I met you Miss Pemberton." He remarked with a smile. "I think that no one save my dear mother has had the unique ability to make me wish to tear all my hair out except you."
"I'm so honoured." She managed a weak smile, knowing this was leading to something.
"However," his grin widened. "You have also been one of the best things to grace my existence and no child could ever be worth my losing you." He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it with true affection.
Julia looked at him and knew with complete certainty now that she could never tell him the truth.
He came back from the saloon and found her in the parlour, fast asleep on her favourite wing chair. An untouched cup of cocoa sat on the table and Vin stood by the doorway, watching her sleep. There were no words he could say, no poetry that he could recite that adequately described how he felt about Alexandra Styles, only that once he had been alone and now he would never be again. He had loved her from the first moment he laid eyes on her and though it had taken longer for her, Vin knew that she felt as much for him now. Theirs was a relationship that was hot and lusty and yet so warm and comforting at the same time.
He watched her sleep for a few more seconds before stepping forward to scoop her up in his arms to carry her to bed. Alex stirred slightly as she felt his strong hands around her body and opened her eyes to his face leaning over hers.
"Hey there cowboy." She said dreamily.
"You weren't waiting for me were you?" Vin asked.
"No," she shook her head as she nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder as he carried her out of the wing chair. "I needed some winding down after everything."
"Ezra still down there?" He inquired as they left the parlour.
"I imagine so," Alex sighed securing her arms around his neck. "If it were me, would you leave?"
"Not a chance." Vin smiled as he pushed the door to her bedroom open with a gentle nudge of his boot.
"Last time I looked in on them, they were both asleep." Alex yawned as Vin made his way to her bed.
"Its been quite a day for them." He pointed out.
She could tell he wanted to ask her why she had lied but was resisting the urge to do so. Alex knew whatever she told him would remain confidential and there was another reason to tell him. Vin was a tracker, the best in the Territory according to Chris Larabee. She had a job for him to do and that would necessitate revealing Julia's secret.
"I guess you knew I was lying." She remarked once he had set her down on the bed.
Vin paused at that statement and then nodded slightly. "You are my woman Darlin,' he tried to joke. "I know your ways."
Alex smiled faintly and then started removing of her clothes. As she started unbuttoning her shirt, Vin sat down on the bed and started pulling off his boots. "She didn't have a miscarriage." Alex finally responded.
Vin nodded unsurprised. He had more or less expected that to be the secret she had guarded from the others. "I thought so."
"She went to Purgatory to have it done." Alex sighed, tossing her shirt onto the nearby chair. "Even got to the table where it was supposed to happen and then she hit the wall."
"The wall?" He looked at her.
"I call it the wall." Alex explained. "Where you can't just go any further. You're all set to do it until something gives way inside you and you just can't go on."
"You're saying she didn't want to do it?" The scepticism in his voice was apparent.
"He probably thought he was doing her a favour by putting her under even after she said no." Alex continued. "Probably had ether in the rag he put over her face. It works very quickly and if you know what you're doing, it knocks you out for quite awhile."
Vin was appalled. "You mean, she said no and he knocked out anyway and did it?"
Through the dim light of the moon casting its glow through her bedroom window, Alex could see Vin's jaw tightening in moral outrage.
"Yes." Alex answered. "That's how she tells it."
Vin paused a moment as he searched for a way to put this delicately. After a few seconds, he decided just to say it. "Do you believe her?"
Alex considered the question knowing he had the right to ask in light of what she would soon be asking of him. Did she believe Julia Pemberton? Of all the people in Four Corners, Alexandra Styles had the least reason to give Julia the benefit of the doubt, not after their volatile first meeting. It was hard for Alex to come to terms with the fact that she was protecting Julia's reputation this way not when they were rolling around on the floor like brawling children during their initial encounter. However, Alex knew what she had seen in Julia's eyes. She had seen the terrible remorse and the deep regret. Had Alex not intervened, Julia would have told Ezra what had really happened, ignoring the consequences to herself, however improbable that explanation might seem.
"Yes," Alex nodded, firm in this belief more than ever. "I believe her Vin."
"That's good enough for me." Vin answered climbing into bed with her.
"Vin," she asked as she snuggled into his arms under the sheet. "I need you to go to Purgatory tomorrow and talk to a working girl named Lydia."
Vin looked at her in surprise. "Why?"
"She helped Julia get to town after this thing was done to her. I'd like you to see her about keeping what she saw to herself. I doubt she'd talk to everyone about it but its probably best that we take the precaution."
"Not a bad idea." Vin agreed because the seven did make trips to Purgatory and Lydia might unwittingly give away Julia's secret, which was precisely what Alex did not want. "I might also have a little talk with this doctor in Purgatory." Vin suggested in a thinly veiled threat that Alex had no doubt he would make good upon.
While she did not advocate violence, for once Alex wanted him to go beat the crap out of the bastard who would do such a thing to a woman after she had said no. As far as Alex was concerned, the word no should have settled everything. He had no right to interpret that as he pleased.
Alex leaned next to Vin and kissed him on the mouth. "You're a good man to have around cowboy."
Vin savoured her lips against his and smiled. "I ain't done yet." He replied before rolling over and covering her body with his...
The next morning saw JD Dunne on the look out for Violet Serfonteine. Armed with a mission, JD was eager to prove that he was up to task of using the young woman to gain intelligence on her brother's activities while he was at Four Corners. JD was aware that the older members of the seven looked upon his suggestion with some scepticism which only heightened JD's determination to prove the others wrong in their assertions.
Most of the seven was strangely absent this morning. He saw Vin riding out in the direction of Purgatory and decided Chris must have sent him there on some business. JD was almost tempted to ask if he wanted company but the tracker did not appeared to wish it. Those who rode with Vin Tanner were accustomed to his solitary jaunts on occasion. They knew it was nothing personal, it was just his way.
JD also knew Nathan was riding out to the Seminole village for a few days, to avoid any further confrontations with Nicholas. Just as well, JD decided. The young man was not so much the novice that he was unmindful of how volatile it was having both men anywhere near each other. In truth, he appreciated Nathan's anger even if he did not understand it. In the city, prejudice existed on so many levels that there came a point where each ethnic dislike seem to drown each other out until no one noticed a black man from an immigrant. JD's mother had never believed it necessary to view one man any differently than the others.
We're all gods' creatures she used to say and JD believed it was still an accurate statement. Nathan was a good friend and JD could not imagine anything more ridiculous then denying himself that friendship simply because Nathan was the wrong colour.
He was walking down the boardwalk near the Emporium when he saw Violet Serfonteine making her exit from the establishment. It was easy to see that she was not a local from the manner in which she carried herself or by the way she was dressed. She belonged in a city somewhere, walking along tree-lined avenues and going to parties where they served things like cucumber sandwiches and tea. She seemed so out of place here with her fine linen and perfect smile. Not at all like the warm familiarity of Casey's skin browned from working under the sun. He supposed it was sign of maturity that he was happier with his tomboy farm girl than he could ever be with this porcelain doll.
Seeing her, JD hastened his pace and ran into the young woman who immediately burst into an enchanting smile at the sight of him. JD saw no sign of her brother in the vicinity and decided he ought to be grateful for a few minutes alone with the southern belle. No matter how head strong Violet Serfonteine may seem, JD had no doubts that her brother would not be impressed by her choice of companions.
"Good morning Miss Violet." JD smiled, trying to imitate Buck when he was trying to be his most charming. He carried it for most part as he tipped his hat in her direction, attempting to be gentlemanly and wondered how Ezra managed to do it with such flawless expertise.
"Mr Dunne, the local sheriff." She smiled. "Have your friends decided that you can come out and play now?
She was baiting him but JD refused to let it bother him. It was part of the role she acted in the company of men and he had not been out of school long enough to forget the coy games girls like to play to know how to handle her. "I do what I want." JD said firmly, showing her that he was not at all bothered by her comment. "I speak to whomever I please."
"I'm sure." She said sceptically. "What can I do for you Mr Dunne?" She pretended to be bored by his intrusion even though it did not appear so in her eyes.
"Well, before you got on to insulting me I kind thought you'd like to come riding with me, seeing that you're not leaving town." JD sighed, knowing how to play the game a little himself after watching Buck.
"A ride?" She smiled widely, attempting to hide her enthusiasm but not quite managing it. After a day in this town, she was already bored to tears and the distraction with this young lawman might prove interesting. "How interesting but I don't seem to have a horse."
"That's okay," JD said easily. "Miss Alex let me use her horse Phoebe. She's gentle enough for an afternoon's ride. Miss Alex don't ride too well either."
"You're assuming that I am a poor rider?" Violet looked at him with some measure of offence.
"Not at all," he answered smoothly, manoeuvring out of that particular minefield with more skill than he believed he possessed. "I can find you a feistier animal if you like. I'm sure Josiah won't mind lending me his horse. Lord knows he's been thrown off the thing enough times to be rid of it for awhile."
Violet seemed uncomfortable by that notion because she was not that able a rider in truth and did not want an animal that might possibly throw her off and injure her. Still, she took a moment to extricate herself from the situation with dignity. "I think I can endure your Miss Alex's Phoebe," she smiled at him and then gushed. "So I would be delighted to accept your invitation Mr Dunne."
"Well I'll come for you at lunch then." JD said pleased, thinking how he was getting off to a fine start with his subterfuge.
"I'll be waiting." Violet returned as JD tipped his hat in a parting gesture before crossing the street towards the saloon.
Casey Wells had not intended to come to town with Aunt Nettie but somehow, the opportunity to catch sight of JD was too much even for the young woman's deepest resolve. She knew she should not be so wrapped up in a boy like JD because he had the glimmer of a dreamer at heart. He wanted so much to be like the other members of the seven that he could think of nothing else. Unfortunately, it was for precisely his dreams that Casey cared so much about JD. Besides, it took a special man to be able to look beyond her tomboy exterior to see a young woman beneath the dirt on her skin from working the land.
JD saw that and more.
JD had come to her house courting her like a proper young lady and no matter how much he may have botched the attempt with the drivel he was trying to recite, Casey nevertheless lost her heart to him completely that day. She felt comforted that he cared about the real her, ignoring that she never wore dresses and did not seem fine and pretty as most other girls appeared to be. Sometimes, Casey tried to wear a dress for him but most times JD just preferred her as she was and it was hard not to love someone so completely for that.
Aunt Nettie was still debating with the hardware storeowner when Casey, grown bored with the bartering had stepped out of the shop. The young woman observed the people going about their business this morning, almost lazy in her observation when she saw JD. Casey was about to call out to him when suddenly she saw him pause in front of a young woman emerging from the Emporium. Casey had seen her about earlier for she was not a person to be easily missed with all that elegant clothing and dainty air about her. However, Casey had dismissed her as nothing more than one of those city girls visiting the town.
Casey watched in growing apprehension as JD tipped his hat to the young woman, engaging her in conversation while acting in a manner that was very unlike him at all. She tensed as she saw the girl smile back and felt somewhat drab in her flannel shirt and work trousers. Instinctively, Casey looked up and saw herself in the reflection in the window of the hardware store. The comparisons between her and the young woman JD was talking to was obvious. Suddenly, Casey felt incredibly conscious about how she looked. Her dark hair was tied in a ponytail that did nothing to flatter her appearance. She did not look like a woman at all, with most of her shape hidden under her frumpy clothes, not to mention the dusty hat that hid her face.
Casey found herself staring at the woman whom JD was spending quite some time talking to and felt like such a disgrace at how she looked. It was no wonder JD would find that girl interesting. Look at her! She was beautiful with her golden hair that was not quite to the standard of Mary Travis' flaxen lock but still, it shimmered in the sunlight like gold through water. Everything about her was perfect, from the pearly teeth of her smile to the creamy consistency of her skin. How could Casey even dream of competing with that?
Look, he was tipping his hat for the woman!
JD had never tipped his hat for her.
"Casey?" Nettie emerged from the hardware store and saw the expression in her niece's eyes. The pain she saw immediately struck concern into the old woman's heart. Casey was more than just her niece. The young girl entrusted to her care that she had raised almost from a babe was like her own daughter and Nettie's love for her was more maternal than anything else.
Casey whirled around, trying hard to hide the tears that were threatening to spill form her expressive hazel eyes. "Can we go Aunt Nettie?"
"Why of course," Nettie said sympathetically as she realised what Casey had been looking at. Upon seeing JD with the young woman in front of the Emporium, Nettie could understand why Casey was feeling so much hurt. "Are you all right honey?"
"Yes." Casey nodded brushing past her aunt as she walked up the boardwalk towards their wagon. Her heavy workboots made loud footsteps and seemed to be the final edict of how inappropriately she was dress and how she was powerless to compete with the young woman capturing JD Dunne's undivided attention.
Nettie watched her dejected retreat and felt for her niece's rapidly breaking heart. Nettie had always liked JD and did not know enough about what he was doing with the young woman to leap to any conclusions because she was old enough to make the distinction. The same however, could not be said for Casey who was young and in love at a time in her life when youth made every emotion a tidal wave of feeling. It will sort itself out, Nettie sighed as she followed Casey to the wagon and if not, Nettie had no idea who she would feel more sorry for.
Casey with her broken heart or JD, when Casey got through with him.
There she was again, Nicholas Serfonteine thought when he saw the flaxen haired beauty emerging from the office that held the sign Clarion News in clear display for anyone who was interested. She emerged in pretty but plain dress of lavender, carrying a basket, her golden hair worn up in a confining coiffeur. She had in Nicholas' opinion, the most amazing coloured eyes he had ever seen in his life. There was only one thing wrong with her and he was holding it in his hands at the moment.
He had believed she had merely run the local rag but could not conceive of the idea that she also wrote the damn thing. The ideas in her paper were more than just a little disconcerting coming from such a pure specimen of what he believed to be the supreme race on this earth. Unfortunately, she hailed from the east and like all inhabitants of that place, seemed to have brought those liberal ideas with her. He read the paper and saw words like 'native rights' and 'civil liberties' bandied about like a free for all. Where on earth did such a beautiful creature come up with such unsavoury ideas?
Nicholas did not know and despite what better judgement was telling him, decided that he did not care. Even in the south, which had the most beautiful women in all the United States, the woman called Mary Travis would still be a stand out. He imagined her standing on the patio of Avalon and knew that she would be a perfect an addition as any that money could buy.
She was strolling along the boardwalk, basket in hand with a definitive course in mind as she continued up the wooden path that ran up the length of the town. As he crossed the street and made his way towards her, Nicholas took note of how many people greeted her as she walked on by. This was not only a woman admired for her splendid beauty but judging by the way she was offered salutations from passers by, she was also greatly respected. He supposed most newspaper editors of small towns like this usually were.
He reached her as she paused to admire something in one of the many shops and upon closer observation, Nicholas saw it to be a dress shop. He supposed that much about Mrs Mary Travis was still uniquely predictable.
"Mrs Travis." He announced himself.
Mary swung around and was pleasantly surprised by the handsome stranger standing before her.
"In proper society," he continued. "I would have the pleasure of being introduced to you by a member of the family or a close personal friend. Unfortunately due the lack of either, I must take the liberty of introducing myself. I hope you are not too outraged by my presumption."
"Certainly not." Mary said politely. "In the Territory we make do. You seem to know who I am so you do have me at a disadvantage."
"I would never wish to put you in such unfortunate circumstances," Nicholas tipped his hat oozing charm at her encouraging response. "I am Mr Nicholas Serfonteine."
It took an instant for Mary to realise who this man was and particularly whom he had been to Nathan Jackson and a second after that instant to know she wanted as little to do with him as possible. Slave owners were on her list of most despised creatures on the earth, with the possible exception of the spiders she occasionally found in the house and had to find Chris to kill. Still there was no reason to be rude and she acknowledged the introduction with a slight nod. "I am pleased to meet you Mr Serfonteine. What may I do for you?"
"Nothing at all Madam," he said with a smile. "I was merely taken by the lovely vision that you were and would find myself remiss if I did not at least, try to make engage in some sparking conversation to keep in memory of your beauty."
God, you could just shovel it, Mary thought and was almost tempted to say it when Momma Travis' upbringing kicked in with that little voice at the back of Mary's head that told her to mind her manners. "How sweet," Mary replied instead, taking the conservative of the two responses in her mind. "You are certainly the charmer, Mr Serfonteine. Are all southerners the same?"
"It is in blood." He grinned when suddenly; the expression on his face changed and he saw the black garbed stranger who had counted himself as one of Nathan Jackson's friends, approaching from behind the engaging Mrs Travis.
"Hello Mary." Chris Larabee greeted, his eyes never moving off Nicholas as he brushed Mary's shoulder ever so lightly with his own and indicated to the southerner in no uncertain terms that he was trespassing.
"Chris," Mary exclaimed and felt somewhat grateful at his presence because nothing scared off unwanted suitors better than a gunslinger dressed in black with a peacemaker strapped to his side. "Mr Serfonteine," Mary turned to the southerner. "This is my fiancee Mr Chris Larabee. Chris, this is... "
"We've met." Chris said abruptly.
Chris had seen Serfonteine approaching Mary when he emerged from the saloon and decided that he did not like the man anywhere near her. Besides, he knew something of Mary's politics and was perfectly aware of what she was capable of if anyone inspired her to get into an argument about civil rights.
"Your fiancee." Nicholas said unable to believe that such a beautiful woman could become lost to such an unsavoury kind of man. "You are a lucky man, Mr Larabee." Nicholas remarked.
"I know." Chris replied, throwing Mary a faint smile as he answered.
"Well Mrs Travis," Nicholas said deciding a hasty departure was necessary. "It was a pleasure."
"Goodbye Mr Serfonteine." Mary answered graciously. "I look forward to our next meeting."
Nicholas departed with Chris smug expression casting him farewell. The duo waited until the southerner was gone before Chris looked at Mary. "You look forward to your next meeting?" He asked with a hint of accusation in his voice but mostly he was teasing.
"I was being polite." She retorted. "Besides, he was very charming."
Chris stared, hoping to God she was kidding. "I'm assuming that's a joke."
"Jealous?" She met his eyes with a look of mischief.
"I don't have to be." He stated firmly. "We're engaged."
"Strange," Mary said looking at her left hand. "I don't seem to see an engagement ring on my finger, Mr Larabee."
With a satisfied smirk, Mary Travis brushed past Chris Larabee as she left him to stew with those words.
He was so easy to tease.