We sometimes claime to be 2 different people, but more often are accused of being the same. usually by people that have to put up with us.
There was some story, we can't remember where, in which the poor ER doctor, when confronted with the Seven, had a nervous breakdown. This is in remembrance of all the doctors who have ever had to put up with them. The Doctor isn't precisely our favorite character, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up, once the idea struck our brains with a hammer. And it hurt, too.
From: doc@sanitarium.gov.us
To: dunnejd@atf.gov.us, wilmingtonb@atf.gov.us, larabeec@atf.gov.us, sanchezj@atf.gov.us, standishep@atf.gov.us, jacksonn@atf.gov.us, tannerv@atf.gov.us
Cc: Director of Mental Health Institute
Subject: Fwd: Getting to know YouOkay, here's what you're supposed to do. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste in onto a new mail that you will send. Change all the answers so they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will get a pile of get-to-know e-mails!
You'll learn a lot of little known (and sometimes scary) facts about your friends! Remember to send yours back to the person who sent it to you! READY?
NAME: [withheld for medical reasons]
SEX: Male
HOME: Usually room 112, but occasionally I am moved to a solitary padded cell on stressful weekends.
HEIGHT: 5'8"
EYES: Brown
HAIR: Black
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? It was ER on the Outside, but I've taken a liking to Masterpiece Theatre recently.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A smiley face.
FAVOURITE MAGAZINE: Reader's Digest
FAVOURITE SMELL: Antiseptic
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When one of the orderlies wheels in one of the so called "Magnificent Seven" (If they're so magnificent why are they always being injured?) in for treatment after being shot, beaten, run over, stabbed, drugged n' starveddehydratedfrozenandthentherestofthemneverEVERlistentomymedicaladvice - no, I don't need another shot! let go of me, you big bully! that glare doesn't scare me, I've met Chris Larabee!!
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: When the so-called "Magnificent Seven" close a case without getting injuried...or I get to check them out.
THINGS TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Group therapy, ping-pong, walk around the grounds, finger-painting
FAVOURITE SOUNDTRACK: La Boheme
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING? Chris Larabee is not in my waiting room
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? Depends on my meds
ROLLER COASTERS DEADLY OR EXCITING? Rollercoasters are extremely dangerous. They can cause whiplash, heart attacks in the elderly, and miscarriages during pregnancy. Not to mention the possible damage if they come off their tracks. Although they are not nearly as bad as Chris Larabee's glare. And as for exciting, exciting is trying to tell the rest of the so-called "Magnificent Seven" that their teammate has contracted a rare complication in their recovery from surgery.
PEN OR PENCIL? At work pens, but they've taken my pen away from me. That wasn't very nice of them now, was it?
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? They won't let me have one.
FAVOURITE FOODS: Carrot sticks, lasangna, and a glass of milk
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? It all started in childhood. I was never good enough for my father. I'd bring home all A's, and he'd criticize my handwriting. I'm a doctor, I'm "supposed" to have bad handwriting. And my mother... no, it's not time for my pills. I don't wanna drink that. I want some milk. And a plate of my momma's lasagna.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME? I must've to have wound up assigned to the so-called "Magnificent Seven" whenever they come into the Emergency Room.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS? Croutons. They're healthier.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE? No. It's a dangerous world out there with the so-called "Magnificent Seven" out there policing it.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? No, but my roommate does. He says it gives him stock market tips and that it protects him from the monsters under the bed. I wonder if the bear would protect me from whatever member(s) of the so-called "Magnificent Seven" is uninjured and out in the waiting room...
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF PET, WHAT WOULD IT BE? A guard dog, probably a German Shepherd.
IF YOU COULD BE ANY TYPE OF ANIMAL WHAT WOULD YOU BE? A parakeet. They have a nice cage to keep out the bad element.
IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? Hippocrates. I'd ask him to tell that 'Doctor" Nathaniel Jackson that *I'm* the licensed practitioner of medicine, and not him. So there!
FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: A good stiff brandy. I need it after THEY've been in my Emergency Room.
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Cancer
EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Broccoli is good for you. Of course.
GUYS-IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO HER? They've only allotted me a few shirts, I hae to keep track of them. But I'd be more than willing to use it to bandage any of her wounds.
GIRLS-WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT? Not Applicable
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED< WHAT WOULD IT BE? I had it...and then THEY came into my ER. DAMN THEM!!! No, it's not time for more medication.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOUR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I'm getting white hairs already from dealing with the so-called "Magnificent Seven". I'm NOT adding anymore by using peroxide to change my hair color!
IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATOO, WHAT AND WHERE WOULD IT BE? Tattoos are unhygenic. There's the possibility of catching a disease from the needle, as well as having an infection set in. It doesn't surprise me that many of the so-called "Magnificent Seven" pollut their bodies with such things.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Only with my work, which THEY have deprived me of.
DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING: Picture the graduation ceremony after completing your Residency. That was my wedding ceremony and I loved it. Then THEY came along and divorced me from my work. How COULD THEY do that to me?! I've only ever tried to help them, to heal their scarred bodies of all their aches and pains! Will you STOP trying to give me a pill?!
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Paint, white paint. You know, I'd never realized how fascinating watching pain dry really is until I came here.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Half empty. Because THEY've been drinking it, hounding my orderlies and nurses until I can't get anyone willing to assist in surgery, even if I offer a bonus.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SNAPPLE? Think of all the preservatives! I'd rather have water, thank you.
ARE YOU A RIGHTY, LEFTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS? A righty.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? That's what secretaries are for.
IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Whoever designed this question should come and live in here.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Pills. And linoleum floor tiles...and floor polish, and I believe antiseptic.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? Anything BUT Seven!
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A 10 year old Nissan, cheap and economical.
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR? A black convertible Mustang.
FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Table Tennis. No one gets hurt playing Table Tennis. Maybe THEY should take it up as their hobby. Less trips to the ER that way...
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: You're not here!
OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO, WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO IT? The Director. When the so-called "Magnificent Seven" read this, they're going to confront him about me. And then he'll be here too.
[Note from Director: I don't think allowing this patient to participate in this 'Getting to Know You' email thingy has helped his therapy along. And please do not take any calls from a 'Mr. Larabee'.]