SERIES/UNIVERSE: ATF
DISCLAIMERS: M7 characters belong to Trilogy, et al. Original characters are all mine. . .don't mind if you borrow them, just ask first, give them back intact and give credit where credit is due.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, it's a 9-11 fic, with original characters, ugly language and references to some truly ugly memories. Adriana is mine, Cari is Sam's (the evil twin), Mac belongs to the creators of 'MacGyver.'
I never wrote a fic specifically about 9-11 last year, because my emotions were too unsettled. I actually started this shortly after the finish of the clean-up at Ground Zero. . .and much of the information found in this story came from a book I read, 'Report from Ground Zero,' by Dennis Smith, a former firefighter.
Tomorrow was the day. The one year anniversary of the attacks. Nine-Eleven, September 11, America's Second Day of Infamy. Call it what you will, it was an anniversary of loss, of destruction, of rage, of grief ... and of triumph. While it sounded like the overview of a truly dreadful, badly written tv movie, for once, it was the truth. And that made it all the worse. For the last year, the members of Denver's Special ATF Office had been aiding in the war on terrorism, in addition to handling their usual cases.
And as people often did ... as they had in the forty years since JFK's murder ... they stopped and asked each other, "Where were you that day?" JD Dunne knew where most of his coworkers were. The first plane hit at 8:46 am, eastern time. And all seven men were either asleep or just waking up. Chris Larabee, the team leader, was the first to be awakened with an early morning call from Orrin W Travis, the head of the Special Office, about fifteen minutes after the first plane hit.
Usually, the various members of Team Seven would have been awake by that time of the morning (well, except Ezra, but he was an exception to most rules). However, on September 10, none of them had gotten to bed before two am, between a successful bust and the celebration at Inez's saloon afterward. And Judge Travis had actually given them the 11th off, since they had all put in such crazy hours over the last two weeks. Staying home on the 11th, however, was not an option, even without that early morning call from their division boss.
Chris was to say later that he knew something was wrong when he heard Evie Travis weeping in the background, and Orrin sounded like he was close to tears. Chris turned on the tv, as Orrin requested. At first, the still-sleepy leader of Team Seven thought he had stumbled across a rip-off of some Bruce Willis film ... but he realized all too quickly it was real. The first person he called (by now thoroughly shaken by the sound of Orrin Travis breaking down into sobs himself, and adding, 'God bless you, Chris'), was Vin Tanner, his best friend and younger brother.
Chris and Vin had learned only recently that they were brothers, sharing the same father. This was discovered when the brothers were abducted by an old enemy of Evan Larabee's, who insisted he choose between his sons. It wasn't necessary, thanks to Judge Travis and the rest of the Seven. It was fortunate for Vin, whom Evan Larabee didn't acknowledge as his child.
From that first phone call on the morning of September 11, it spread. One by one, each called the other, and they met in the office less than an hour later. None of them was even sure what was going on. Just that it was something not good at all. And it was together, in the office, that they saw the entire thing. Each of the towers being hit ... people jumping to their deaths ... the eventual collapse of both buildings. The billowing cloud of smoke which chased the people of New York down the street.
It was in the office that Nathan Jackson, calm and focused Nathan, who tended to their wounds and patched them up, who listened as Josiah did, lost all control. When he saw first one tower, then the other, collapse, the medic rushed at the tv, screaming almost hysterically, "I'll kill every last one of those fucking bastards! I swear, I'll kill 'em, I will!" Josiah barely managed to catch the weeping medic before Nathan trashed the tv, holding him and comforting him as best as he could, with help from Vin.
Vin hadn't cried that day. Everyone else had. Buck ... JD himself couldn't seem to stop crying, and no one gave him a hard time about it. Josiah wept as he comforted Nathan. Chris, even Orrin Travis broke down again. Mary had picked up Billy at school, only a short time after the collapse of the second building, and came over to the offices. She wept openly, Billy clinging to his mother in a way JD hadn't seen since they caught the men who murdered the boy's father.
From Judge Travis, JD learned that Mary had several friends who worked in the World Trade Center. She had friends who were correspondents at the Pentagon, which was also hit. It took several days before she found out that all were safe. Not everyone was that lucky. And through it all, the devastating attacks, the aftermath, Vin Tanner had never cried. Not until the ceremony marking the end of the clean up at Ground Zero, a few months earlier.
By that time, the Special Offices had its very own archaeologist, Dr. Adriana Wilmington. Buck's sister, and an old friend of Vin's. She had joined the Special Offices about a month after the attacks. And Vin's uncharacteristic collapse during the ceremony forced JD to realize just how little he knew about Vin Tanner. While his collapse couldn't make JD think any less of Vin, the young agent decided it was time to learn more about Vin. Who better to answer his questions than Adriana, since Chris would just glare at him and tell him to get his ass back to work?
That was why he was sitting at his desk, questioning Adriana about her first weeks with the ATF ... again. This actually wasn't the first time he tried to get answers from the archaeologist about Vin. While Chris Larabee was Vin's best friend and older brother, Adriana had a history with the sharpshooter that rivaled her brother Buck's history with Chris. If Vin couldn't talk about the attacks with his older brother, knowing how his sister-in-law and nephew died, then Adriana would have been JD's choice for back-up.
The attacks had been difficult for JD, a law enforcement agent, to deal with ... not just because of his own helplessness and frustration to do anything, though that was a lot of it. But he had grown up in New Jersey, and visits to the World Trade Center were a staple of his early life. In a way, JD envied the workers at Ground Zero. At least they were doing something. At least they were making a difference.
JD knew his fellow agents felt the same helplessness that he did. And they had to talk to someone. Josiah dealt with his grief and rage by listening to the teenagers in the area, helping them to deal with their own rage. Their desire to go over and blow someone all to hell. At the same time, he let it be known that anyone who harassed the local Muslim communities would answer to him. In that last venture, he had Nathan's help.
Buck and JD talked out their own grief and rage, but they were men who did talk. Presumably, Chris talked to Vin, though there were times after the 11th that JD saw his leader come into the offices with red-rimmed eyes, and knew that Chris had been crying. Not just for the victims and the survivors, but for Sarah and Adam as well. But until Adriana arrived in October, and it became clear that she had been friends with Vin for a long time, JD had no idea whom Vin would talk to, if he was comforting his friends, and not taking any from them.
However, if Vin said anything to Adriana in those early weeks, she wasn't saying anything. As Chris put it rather wryly at one point, she wasn't a gal who kissed and told. In fact, judging from the glares she kept sending in his direction if he even looked like he would open his mouth, JD figured it would be a good idea if he let the subject drop. Unfortunately, he couldn't seem to stop asking her questions. Especially not after the conversation he overheard between her and Josiah Sanchez.
He asked, promising himself that this would be the last question he asked her, before she really did decide to shoot him, "So, where were you on last September 11, Drina?" Even before he saw her stiffen in her chair, JD knew he had put his foot in his mouth. That little piece of information came from Josiah muttering something under his breath about JD quitting while he was ahead. But the sudden tightness around Adriana's mouth was just as much of a clue.
She rose to her feet, murmuring something about a coffee break (even though she didn't drink coffee ... not unless she was upset. Like when Petra and her clones drove her crazy), and headed quickly in the direction of the ladies' room. Her hands, the young agent saw, were clenched into fists at her sides. JD felt a cuff to the back of his head, but to his surprise, it wasn't Josiah glowering down at him, but Nathan. JD asked defensively, even though he had a pretty good idea why the medic was so annoyed with him, "What? Why are you looking at me like that, Nate, it's a perfectly reasonable question!"
"She was in New York City at the time, JD, you know that!" Nathan hissed. JD stared at Nathan in shock, feeling as if the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. What? Nathan went on, his eyes softening as he evidently realized that JD didn't know, "She met a friend from college at eight am in one of the restaurants in the Towers, for breakfast, and she was on her way back to her hotel for an extra few hours of sleep when the first plane hit."
JD couldn't process it. Drina had been in New York? She was there at the Towers, just before the ... ? He stared dumbly at Nathan, who nodded and continued, "It was in the briefing, when Judge Travis introduced her to us. Remember? He met her in New York, because he was in town for a meeting with the New York office that week, and she was distributing sandwiches and bottles of water to the rescue workers."
JD just looked at his friend blankly. He had no idea what Nathan was talking about. Josiah put in, "Very sensibly changing clothes first. Nathan's right, John Dunne, it was all in the briefing. Adriana was on the tour with Mac and Sam, and Judge Travis wanted to explain that while she wasn't around. She was still sensitive about it, which is why he brought it up with us. You were probably checking out the next case and tuned him out."
That had actually happened more times than JD could count. Nathan continued softly, "That's why she was with Buck during the ceremony a few months back. She still has nightmares, and was afraid she wouldn't be strong enough for Vin to lean on." Which explained the frequent, concerned looks which Cari MacGyver sent in their direction. Nathan added, "I don't know what's been harder for her, realizing that if she had left just a few minutes later, she could have died as well; the things she saw that day; or her own rage."
Could have been killed as well? JD looked from Nathan to Josiah, and it was the eldest of the Seven who replied softly, "Adriana's college friend, Cass, was killed when the plane hit the north tower. Vaporized ... from what I understand, she worked on one of the levels hit by the plane. I didn't know about that part, until Charlotte Richmond called in, wanting me to keep an eye on Adriana. The night after the ceremony, she had terrible nightmares. Charlotte was worried about her."
The running joke around the office was that Charlotte Richmond, Adriana's housemate and college friend, could give Nathan lessons in mother-henning. But JD really didn't feel like laughing. How would he feel if Vin had been in Adriana's position? Wouldn't he want to make sure his friend was all right? Josiah continued, "I promised Charlotte I would take care of Adriana. That's why ... "
That was why Josiah seemed even more paternal toward Adriana during the last few months, ever since the ceremony at Ground Zero. Put in that perspective, his conversation with the consulting archaeologist made even more sense. It also had the effect of making JD feel like an even bigger jerk. Nathan added softly, as Adriana headed into the breakroom, "I'll get Vin or Chris. And make sure Buck heads into the break room once he gets back from testifyin.' She ain't doin' too good right now." JD looked into the breakroom, and saw what Nathan meant.
Her head was down, concentrating on pouring coffee. JD had the uneasy sense that if someone would have offered her a cigarette right then, she would have accepted it. She had left the Towers only minutes before the attacks, after having breakfast with a friend. A friend who died, who didn't even have a burial, because there wasn't anything to bury. She had witnessed, in effect, her friend's death.
"I'll talk to her," JD said softly, "if I'd been paying attention, none of this would have happened." He had been jealous of Adriana in those early days. Because Buck had been so happy to see his sister again. But JD got smacked upside the head by the universe, when Adriana had taken down Bowers ... and the real woman underneath the quiet, cool exterior was revealed. The woman who would have killed Bowers for what he had done to Vin ... for what he had done to a friend ... the woman who shook in JD's arms once the adrenaline high ended.
And even that incident, almost a year earlier, took on a different meaning to the young agent. Adriana had been unable to save her friend Cass on September 11. She was unable to bring those ultimately responsible for that godawful atrocity to justice. And here she was, confronted with the man who had caused so much misery to the people she loved ... which meant there was something she could do about him. It all made sense now.
Josiah didn't say anything, just slapped the back of JD's shoulder ... but JD saw the approval in the other man's eyes. JD straightened his shoulders, then walked slowly into the breakroom. Adriana was staring into her coffee cup, as if it was a scrying bowl (JD was very proud of himself for remembering that term). Seeking answers for what happened that day, almost exactly a year earlier?
"Drina?" he called softly. She didn't respond and JD moved carefully to her side. He eased the coffee cup from her hand, before she could spill any on herself or on him, and set it to one side. She didn't react. JD put his hands on her shoulders and gently turned her to face him and repeated, "Drina? Are you with me?" She blinked then, and looked around, as if trying to figure out how she got there.
"Oh ... goddess. I haven't done that in months," she whispered. JD didn't say anything, just held her shoulders, and Adriana went on, "After it happened ... it was like my mind went on vacation and my body went on automatic pilot. I would ... just lose track of what I was doing, and it would ... I wouldn't come back to myself until hours later. They tell me that I never stopped working, never stopped helping, but I don't remember ... so much." She waved one hand vaguely, but JD understood what she meant.
"You were in shock ... numb," JD replied softly, remembering what Nathan told him. Nathan was in Oklahoma City after McVeigh blew up the Samuel Murrah building. Last September, once he ... came back to himself, once he became Nathan Jackson, ATF agent and medic, once more, he told them what they could expect over the next few months, as they coped with the trauma. Or rather, told JD, since the others seemed to know. There were times when JD really hated being the youngest, never mind that Vin was only five years older than he was. He still seemed to know what the others knew.
Like, knowing wouldn't ease the hatred or the rage, the grief or the helplessness. JD had been in New Jersey during the Oklahoma City bombing, and felt like that didn't really touch him. Sure, he saw the coverage on TV, but he didn't know anyone in Oklahoma, so it didn't have any real emotional impact on him. The only event like this that he could remember was the Challenger disaster, back in '86, when he was just a little kid. And really, in that situation, what he remembered was his mother watching the tv, tears rolling down her face as she hugged him.
He was brought back to the present when Adriana nodded, murmuring, "Yeah. I was in shock. I ... I was walking up to my hotel. The cab driver had just dropped me off, and I had paid him. Gave him a really big tip, because I was so happy. I hadn't seen Cass in years. Her name was Cass Montoya. She was ... a few years older than me. A grad student when I met her, like Charlotte and Will. Working as a consulting archaeologist for a company.
"I ... heard this ... roar. Over my head. It was ... so loud. I knew it was a plane, I just couldn't figure out why it was flying so low. Sounds stupid, I know, but I ducked into the building. My hotel. As if it could protect me from whatever was coming next. The doorman just looked at me ... and then his eyes widened. We both saw the plane hit the north tower. Saw the flames. It makes no sense, JD, but ... I knew. I knew that Cass was dead. I didn't see any more for a few minutes, because the doorman grabbed me by the waist and swung me around, so that his back was to the street. I found out later he was a veteran. Reacted purely by instinct."
JD didn't speak, somehow knowing himself that this was really the first time Adriana had spoken of that day since it happened. He damned himself for being such an idiot ... JD learned from Josiah that people healed in their own ways, and he had torn open a wound which was still healing. He carefully led her to a table and eased her down into a chair, never releasing her hand. She swallowed hard, her face twisting as if in pain. JD looked around, knowing she needed something cold right now, not coffee. A soda can was handed to him, and he looked up into the green eyes of Chris Larabee.
His supervising agent mouthed, 'you're doing fine.' JD handed the coke to Adriana who took a sip, then continued in a hoarse voice, "He pushed me into the building. I ... went upstairs. I don't even know what I was thinking. It was like ... I felt like ... do you remember after we got Vin back, and he was saying about how he felt like Bowers was pulling his strings? Once Bowers was in custody, and Vin was okay, or at least headed in that direction? That's how I felt. I changed out of my skirt and blouse, high heels and pantyhose, and put on jeans and a sweatshirt."
By now, tears were streaming down her face, but she didn't seem to know, or care. She took another sip of the coke, JD still holding her free hand, and went on, "When I came out ... it was like a disaster movie. Fire. People screaming. It all seemed so goddamn unreal. You gotta understand, JD ... I'm an archaeologist. I've traveled ... worked at sites around the world. I knew about Osama bin Laden, I knew how much he hated us. And I remembered the first time they hit the Towers, back in the early nineties. But this ... "
She shook her head, whispering, "Thousands of people died that day, between the people inside the Twin Towers, the people below who were crushed when the Towers collapsed, the people in the four planes, and the Pentagon. More than three hundred firefighters and police officers, in addition to the civilians. And that was the beginning. I stared at New York City, at the fire, at the chaos. I don't know how long I stood there, JD. Just stood in that little alcove of my hotel, with just my little denim backpack to hold my wallet and room key. Because the next thing I know, there's a second roar, and the second plane hit."
There was dead silence in the breakroom, dead silence despite the men now staring at the young woman in shock. They knew she was there that day ... except for JD, who had been zoning during that part of the briefing. But his 'older brothers' did know. They knew she had helped in the early days of the recovery ... but until now, they never heard the whole story. It never really hit them, until today, that she had been in the middle of the carnage and the suffering, the grief and the gray ash. JD thought back to what he heard about Ground Zero, and shuddered at the nightmares which she must have each and every night.
"And you know, when those two towers collapsed, it was like a movie again. Uhm ... 'Earthquake in New York.' It was a tv movie, back a few years ago. And there's a scene when one of the shocks brings down a building ... several, if I remember. And, there's this huge cloud of gray dust rolling down the streets of the city. That's exactly what it looked like. But an earthquake hadn't caused this ... human beings did," Adriana said, spitting out the words 'human beings' as if they sickened her.
JD looked down at their joined hands, then back up at Chris. He was so glad the others were with him. He felt totally out of his depth. How exactly did you comfort someone who had been through that? Someone who, for all intents and purposes, had seen her friend die? There was a twisted rightness ... an archaeologist in that city on that day. But there was nothing right about what happened on September 11, 2001.
"What happened then, little princess?" Chris asked, speaking for the first time. JD looked up at his supervisor once again. For the first time, the nickname didn't sound strange, coming from Chris. JD had liked to tease the blond agent about calling his surrogate younger sister 'little princess.' Why, he didn't know. It wasn't cloying, the way Chris used the nickname. It was really no different from Josiah calling him 'John Dunne.'
"The doorman came back out. The ... the manager knew what was happening. She knew that Andrew was a vet. So we went together. Andrew and me. I ... " Adriana began. She stopped and looked down at the floor. When she looked up, her eyes were filled with fresh hurt. Adriana whispered, "There wasn't anything we could do. No, that's not true. I realized right off that Andrew had combat experience, but I would just get in the way. So ... I went to one of the places where they were setting up for triage. Doing whatever I could. And it wasn't enough."
JD tried to remember where else he had heard that. That whatever they did, it wasn't enough. Was it in these offices? The sheer rage and frustration, that they couldn't go to New York or Washington DC, and help with the rescue or the recovery? Yes, that sounded right. He just couldn't remember which of them had said it. He knew he had felt that way, and listening to Adriana now, he also felt guilty for envying the rescue workers at Ground Zero ... for being able to do something, when he could do nothing.
Chris put his hand on Adriana's shoulder, trying to comfort her. She put her hand over his, continuing, "Someone said something about the rescuers needing food and water. So, I helped with that. Making sandwiches, going to a grocery store for supplies when we were running low. And my body was just on automatic pilot, because I couldn't think. If I started thinking, I knew it would all be over."
"What would all be ovah, Adriana?" Ezra asked softly. Chris didn't say anything, just tightened his hand on Adriana's shoulder. JD looked around, to see Buck taking up position on the other side of his sister, so that he and Chris flanked her. Vin stood beside Adriana ... watching her back. And directly opposite Vin was Ezra, flanked by Nathan and Josiah. The circle was complete. More or less. JD supposed they could get Judge Travis in here, and Casey, and Team Eight, then he winced. That sounded so flippant!
"The ... shock. The numbness. If I started thinking, I'd stop doing. And if I stopped doing, I was in trouble. Because if I stopped and thought about what was happening, then I couldn't protect myself any more. So I hid behind that wall, and kept moving. It wasn't until they finally sent me home, three days later ... I mean, back to the hotel ... that things really hit for me. That was when I finally heard that the Pentagon was hit, that's when I heard about Flight 93. For three days, my entire world consisted of helping to feed the rescue workers ... and doing whatever I could to help," Adriana replied.
She took a deep breath, and then an alien light appeared in her dark eyes as she hissed, "And that's when it really was over. The numbness. The shock. The sense that this couldn't be happening. Because that was going on in the back of my mind, all the time I was helping out. That this wasn't real, it couldn't be real. Knowing what I knew, and I still denied what I was seeing. I wasn't just protecting myself from the horror, but from the rage as well."
She looked up at Chris, saying softly, "You understand what I mean, Chris. About the rage. About finding out exactly what you're capable of doing, under the right ... or wrong ... circumstances. You found out after Sarah and Adam were killed, then again after Bowers hurt Vin to get to you. You know what I'm talking about. About finding out that you're capable of killing someone. And enjoying it."
JD could say nothing to that, because he understood exactly what she meant. He always knew he could kill to protect ... but on that day, he found out that he could kill for revenge. He had wanted to kill Bowers for what he had done to Vin, but that was again protecting someone. This ... this was a pure desire for revenge. And in those early dark hours, after the planes first hit, JD hadn't cared who else got hurt. He had grown up in New Jersey, just across the river from the city, and when the Towers came down, a link to his mother went with them. JD wanted someone else to hurt the way he was hurting.
"I ... wanted ... to kill. I wanted to find each and every one of the fuckers who planned it, because the fuckers who carried it out were already dead. I still want to kill them. I found out so many things about myself ... underneath all this education and the fine trappings is a savage. If you left me in a room with Osama bin Laden, I would strangle him with his own intestines, and I would remove his balls. Myself. I never knew that about myself," Adriana said softly.
Chris didn't speak, just squeezed her shoulder a little tighter. There was a soft sigh from the young woman, then she said quietly, "I kept working there over the next few days, doing whatever I could. Unloading the trucks sometimes, from other states. They later told me that I even helped out with the bucket brigade, but I don't remember that. I don't remember most of it, at least. I just remember seeing someone's hand at some point ... someone's torso.
"I remember the smell in my nightmares, only then, because it fades when I wake up. Goddess, it was so awful. And that was when I learned something else about myself. How goddamn useless I was. I was trained as an archaeologist, and I was utterly useless. I had tried to help in the rescue effort ... but I kept getting in people's way, and they needed to be working to save people instead of babysitting me. Cass was dead, and I was goddamned useless."
JD flinched at the bitterness in her voice. Vin just closed his eyes and lowered his head. Did Adriana understand that Team Seven, one of the finest ATF teams in the organization, had been useless? They weren't there ... she was. And whether she realized it or not, she hadn't been useless. Maybe she wasn't trained in rescue, and maybe she wasn't trained to do the heavy lifting, but she had provided food and support to those who put in hours at Ground Zero. She realized when she was getting in the way of their work, and removed herself from that situation. Not like that idiot who expected firefighters and rescue workers to pose for her goddamn pictures.
Why didn't Adriana understand that by doing what she did, she was making herself useful? She could have simply stayed in her hotel room, at the end of those first three days. She could have gotten the hell out of Dodge, once the travel restrictions were lifted. But she hadn't. She had returned to help. Why didn't she understand that she was useful? Because, JD understood, Adriana was a woman who tried to make things better, tried to fix things. She was like both of her older brothers in that respect. And this was something that was far out of her control to fix. This was out of anyone's control to fix.
Adriana sighed deeply, then continued, "I didn't know it at the time, but Orrin Travis was there, at the New York ATF office. Technically, he was there for a meeting, but he was really there to brag about his teams. His boys." There was laughter in her voice for the first time as she remembered, and said, "Anyhow, he was helping out with the police and firefighters. That impressed me, you know? There was none of the 'I'm an ADA for the ATF, and you're a lowly local' bullshit. Anyhow, we got to talking ... and he offered me a job."
JD listened more carefully now, as Adriana explained, "I think he must have seen that I wanted desperately ... to do something. To make a difference to the living. That was it, too. I couldn't save Cass, or any of the other people who died that day. But now, this man was giving me a chance to help protect other people. I demurred at first, then he told me that he had been considering creating a new position ... that of a consulting archaeologist. NASA had one ... why shouldn't the ATF? I swear, the man is as conniving as Ezra here. He saw right through me, Chris ... and gave me the chance to redeem myself."
JD found himself glancing over at Ezra. The ex-thief was trying to make a mock-indignant face when she described him as 'conniving,' but failing miserably. Instead ... his expression reminded JD of when they were helping Nathan's father, and found out how Nathan's mother actually died. JD turned his attention back to the story being unfolded, to the soft, anguished voice of someone who had been in hell, and lived to tell about it.
That was important, too, wasn't it? That none of them had stopped living during the last year. People kept eating and drinking, breathing and sleeping. They kept making love and making babies. They argued and made up. Just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Adriana looked up at the men, saying, "I've never regretted taking that chance, either. Oh, sure, while I was working on the case load involving smuggling, I was learning the processes and procedures of being an ATF agent. But that didn't matter, because I was making a difference to the living. Archaeology, and history, will always be my first love. We have to know the past, if only for our own salvation. But we have to live in the present."
"Well put, little sister. We have to live in the present," Josiah said softly. There was silence in the room for several moments, then Josiah went on, still in that soft voice, "And you should know something else, Adriana." The archaeologist raised her head with a frown. Josiah continued, "That veteran you mentioned, Andrew? The doorman at your hotel? He pointed you out to Judge Travis." Now Adriana looked puzzled, and Josiah explained, "You impressed Andrew. When Orrin observed that he wouldn't mind recruiting some of the rescue workers for his ATF teams, Andrew suggested you."
"Me? But ... but ... I didn't do anything!" Adriana sputtered. JD looked up at Josiah questioningly ... was that true? Not what Adriana had said, but what Josiah said? The big man nodded, and Adriana continued, "If he was gonna recruit anyone, it should have been Andrew! He actually did something to help the people trapped inside the buildings, the survivors. The ones they could save."
"And you did something to help the rescue workers. It's a human chain, Adriana. You think the rescue workers coulda done a thing without food and water, the food and water which you helped to give them? They coulda never kept goin' without that. Just like you help us out, every day. You see things which we don't, 'cause you got trained in a different way," Nathan explained earnestly.
"Brother Nathan is right. You knew you couldn't do anything more to help the rescue workers, so you found another way to help. You didn't just give up. And you're right, you couldn't help with the rescue itself, because that wasn't what you were trained to do. That don't make what you did any less important. And Andrew knew that. Hell, the man served in a hell all his own ... he knows the importance of support personnel," Josiah added.
"So, Judge Travis decided to fill in the missing pieces. He gave you the training you would need for the next time you found yourself in that position. He brought you to us. He brought you back to us," Chris added softly. Adriana leaned her cheek against their joined hands, and Chris put his other hand around the back of her neck. He said softly, "You done all you could, little princess. Maybe it wasn't enough, but I don't think there's a person that day who don't wish he or she coulda done more. From the president on down to the rescue workers, the ones you helped to take care of."
"Cass and I were supposed to meet for dinner that night. We were joking about how, if Charlotte was with us, we could make it another Girls Night Out, like we used to. When I was in college, and they were grad students. She had just met a guy ... Cass was always real finicky about her men. I told her at breakfast that if it didn't work out with the new guy, I'd introduce her to Buck," Adriana whispered.
"Trust my baby sister to try to play matchmaker for me," Buck said softly, dropping to one knee beside his sister. JD released Adriana's hand and Buck turned Adriana to face him, his hands on her shoulders, and said softly, "There are a lotta people who feel guilty 'bout what happened that day, baby girl. Us included. We wanted so much to be there, to do something. And there wasn't a damn thing we coulda done."
JD nodded. That was true. He had spent countless hours after the attacks, tracking down every lead, no matter how small. They were the ATF, but they were duty-bound to protect the citizens of their country. Whether they wanted that protection or not. Buck continued, "But that didn't stop us from wanting to do something. But you were there. You done the best you could, and you ain't got a damn thing to be ashamed of."
Buck took a deep breath, moving his hands from Adriana's shoulders to cup her face, and went on, his voice thick with emotion, "And God forgive me, but I'm grateful that you left the Towers when you did. I'm grateful I wasn't one of the people who lost someone that day. Vin once told me something real true and real important. You only run outta second chances when you die. Seein' you walk into that conference room back in October was one of the happiest moments of my life. I am so proud of you, baby girl."
"We both are, little princess ... we all are. And you know something, I think Cass would be proud of you as well," Chris said softly, giving the back of her neck a gentle squeeze. There was a faint nod, and Chris added, looking around the room at the men gathered there, "You take a few more minutes. We'll get back to work. Then, later this afternoon, Orrin wants you to go down to the firing range for certification. It's time you took the last step, little princess. Time for you to really become one of us."
JD reached over and squeezed her hand one last time, then left, followed by Josiah, Nathan, and Ezra. Chris, Buck, and Vin remained where they were, in a small circle around Adriana. As they came out of the breakroom, the four men found themselves coming face to face with a very worried-looking Cari MacGyver. The white-haired agent asked, careful to keep her voice low, "Is she all right? Charlotte called a few minutes ago ... I guess Adriana had a really bad nightmare last night. Didn't wake Charlotte, but it did wake Tansy."
"She'll be fine now, sister ... just needs to spend a few minutes collecting herself. I'll call Charlotte, let her know that Adriana finally purged the poison in her system," Josiah replied. JD didn't understand what he meant ... purging the poison? Then it hit him. Of course. The poison, the memories, that she had been holding inside for the last year. Cari smiled in relief, then returned to her own team.
Josiah turned his attention to JD, his blue-gray eyes measuring, as he said, "You know, son, maybe it was a good thing you asked her ... where she was on September 11 of last year. I'm thinking now that she needed to get that out of her system. It was eating her alive." JD glanced over his shoulder as the three men still clustered around their resident archaeologist. He wasn't so sure about that.
"Even if you're right, Josiah, I should have done it differently. I should have been paying attention last October in the conference room, instead of zoning. God! Nathan, is it normal for her to block out her memories like that? I mean ... she's all but blocked out helping on the bucket brigade. The only thing she remembers is seeing someone's hand in there. Someone's hand! What the hell kinda memory is that?" JD cried out, careful to keep his voice low as he kept an eye on the people remaining in the break room.
"The kind everyone who was there at the time has. And 'normal' don't exist from someone in this situation. Sometimes, if a trauma is bad enough, a person's mind only remembers certain things. To protect them. That's what she's done. I don't imagine, after what she seen that day, Adriana really wants to remember what she seen while she was on the bucket brigade. Ya remember what she told us, 'Siah, about when she got back to her hotel at the end of them three days?" Nathan asked.
"Yeah ... she took a shower. One that lasted an hour. Trouble is, her body came clean, but it ain't so easy to clean your heart or soul. That girl feels guilty for feelin' the same things all of us felt after it happened. And just between us all, brothers ... in the real unlikely event that we ever encounter Osama bin Laden, I ain't about to stop her, if she decides to take payment outta his hide ... in fact, I'll help her," Josiah replied, his voice quiet with suppressed rage.
JD asked softly, "So it's okay, to still feel this way? I mean, it's been a year ... I should be over it, shouldn't I?" Josiah just sighed and put his hand on JD's shoulder. Again, the young computer expert looked into the break room, where Buck Wilmington had swept his younger sister into his arms and settled her on his lap, as if she was no older than Billy Travis. Adriana buried her face against her brother's neck.
"It's only been a year, John Dunne. A year ain't much time for healing. It took years upon years to heal from Pearl Harbor ... no, I wasn't alive at the time, but I heard people talking about it when I was in high school. There is no time frame for healing, John Dunne. Especially not on something as traumatic as this. There are still people who can't handle anything dealing with that day. That don't make them weak, and I don't want you thinkin' they are. People deal with these things in their own way, and on their own time," Josiah replied.
JD nodded numbly. He thought back to himself on September 10. Trying to pinpoint what changed about him the following day. He knew he was different, he just wasn't sure how he was different. Then he remembered something Nathan and Josiah had said before JD went into the break room, and asked, "Josiah? Nate? Didn't it seem strange to you that Judge Travis mentioned Adriana bein' at Ground Zero in the conference room? While she wasn't in the room? I mean, didn't it seem to you that ... ?"
"Didn't seem strange to me at all, son," Josiah answered, shaking his head, "remember, the wounds were still pretty fresh at the time. Open wounds, really, especially with the anthrax letters being sent. At the judge's request, she was still undergoing counseling for post-traumatic distress syndrome. Maybe he was being overprotective, but in some ways, Orrin Travis still has traces of chivalry. And maybe, it occurred to him, that it could have just as easily been Mary that day, who watched an old friend die."
JD nodded his understanding. He remembered his earlier envy of the rescue workers, not because of the glamor of their jobs. God, he wasn't that immature. But he remembered his envy of them, because they were doing something about the godawful atrocity. And he felt ashamed anyhow. It never really occurred to him that they felt they weren't doing enough. That whatever they were doing wasn't good enough. Maybe ... maybe everyone felt that way?
He didn't know. He wasn't there. On September 11, 2001, when the planes hit, JD Dunne was sleeping peacefully. Secure in a knowledge which he no longer had. That no matter what happened, there was nothing which he and his team couldn't conquer together. The only thing which they had conquered on that day was their own rage and their own grief. But that had to be enough. It had to be ... or Osama bin Laden had won. And that was unacceptable. From this moment forward, JD Dunne would devote himself to ensuring bin Laden and his kind took the minimum from the American people. That would be his way to honor those who were already lost.
I Will Fly Free
I will fly free,
you will not prevail.
I am a child of patriots, of heroes, of pioneers.
I will fly free,
fear will not chain me down.
I will live, I will laugh, I will love.
I will sing for my country, I will weep for our dead,
And I will fly free.
On that terrible day, you awakened a sleeping demon within me,
you taught me I could kill.
But I will fight you on my terms, with my weapons.
I will fly free.
I am a child of patriots, of heroes, of pioneers.
I can do no less.
Debra L Taylor
Finis
September 2002
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