Warning, this is hetfic related, PG rated, heavy on angst, no sex involved, but dealing with the relationship of one of the seven. If this ain't your cup of tea, I won't be offended if you don't read.
ATF Universe
August 29th
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, it's not enough? I feel that way now, and it's breaking my heart. No; my heart has been broken; I'm just realizing the futility of continuing with this tragedy.
The Greeks have nothing on this mess. Sure, they talked about sleeping with your mother, or listening to some oracle and making decisions about the future, but that was then. The past. Just like this episode's going to be all too soon.
Forgive me for being selfish, but I don't want it to end. I don't want a finale, a conclusion, or what's the buzzword closure. For me, there will be no closure. I gave a piece of my heart, a piece I will never get back. My immediate future holds bad memories while I try to recover from my wounds.
They sing songs about love not being enough, but I never believed it. Not until you've loved and lost this way will you understand how possible it is. Could I settle for what's offered? Yes, but then eventually, both of us will be miserable. Divorce's probable, especially with the hours and lack of time alone together. I'm not counting falling into bed totally exhausted and sleeping; that's not time together, that's living together. Existing.
I want all of it. I want the house, the kids, the minivan (help me for even thinking it!), cheering at our kids' games, holding each other when we have bad days. I admit it's traditional, but hey, I'm entitled. It's what I want.
I'll try harder.
September 6th
I haven't written because I can't do it. It hurts too much. Eeryt time I think about it, I want to cry. I don't cry. I'm not allowed. No, I won't allow myself. We fought, said some pretty hurtful things, and it's all my fault.
I know it; nothing will change my mind. I just can't take the crowd anymore.
There's six guys involved in our relationship. Sure, they're teammates, friends, practically family, but stilla little alone time without group activities needs to happen. We've both tried, but the otherswell, they're too involved. If it's not work, it's play. Charity events, community improvement projects, guys' night out, or movie night. There's something planned every night.
That happened tonight it was supposed to be just us, a romantic dinner, when the entire crew showed up for movie night. So much for the roses, or the specially prepared meal. Gone were the sweet, slow kisses, or just holding each other. So was one of the best parts of our relationship taken away because of the snoring downstairs. One too many beers consumed during the movie, with a couple of them unable to drive home, and the rest just camping out for the heck of it.
September 12th
Another raid today, the results a visit to the hospital for observation. No one's seriously hurt, but a few stitches, some bravado, and everything's supposed to be forgotten. There's so many dangers involved it's not even funny. Wondering whether coming home will happen, gunfights and hospital visits the norm, status quo nowhere close to an incident-free day. All that stress, combined with trying to make a relationship work, and balance other demands on time, it's just not working.
September 22nd
We've grown apart. I can feel it every time we're together, every minute no matter what we're doing. It's tearing my heart out to admit this, but I can't let it go on this way. We're both getting more and more miserable.
It's so sad that they're right. Love isn't enough. I've tried, he's tried, but our relationship's done. I love him so much, but I have to let go. We're making each other miserable now; there's nothing to do to fix it.
Maybe somewhere out there will be someone to make him happy, but it's not me. I'm stopping before my tears overwhelm me again, and the words run off the page.
Not enough. Love's not enough, and I hate it. We'll end it this weekend; if he doesn't, I will. I don't want to, but I won't live with half his attention some of the time. I should be grateful he came into my life, and I probably will sometime soon, but not now.
Tonight I will cry myself to sleep again and let him go. Hopefully he'll find that special someone, but I know it's not me.
I'm not strong enough.