BLACK MAGIC

Authors: Saaa and The Immortal

Rating: PG (language)

Disclaimer: A long time ago, God created the Earth, stars, sky, animals and other various stuff. On the seventh day he rested and he liked that number so much, he decided to create seven men on the eighth day. (Go figure) These men were beautiful, talented, magnificent in all senses of the word and just down right nifty. God decided that these men needed two beautiful, talented, magnificent in all senses of the word and just down right nifty women to watch over them. But unfortunately, being tired, he created The Immortal and Saaa. (Who were beautiful, talented and just down right nifty but not magnificent in all senses of the word. Very close mind you but just not there.) And God also created CBS.  He looked on it and it was bad, but being the benevolent God that he is, he let it live. Anyway, these nine people lived together in utter bliss. But then one day, CBS was stupid and ate the forbidden fruit. This got all of the beautiful, talented and just down right nifty people kicked out of the garden. Fortunately though, they found a nice place on TNN. (CBS wasn’t invited). However, during the transfer, The Immortal and Saaa lost all rights to the magnificent men and therefore haven’t made any profit off this piece of fiction. (Bummer) But unconditional love keeps us writing. The end.

Sorry to all the people we borrowed stuff from. Mainly, Mog who created the
lovely ATF universe. Mrisch, MGM and if we still have to pay homage to CBS then them too. And of
course TNN. Let's not forget Michael Biehn, Eric Close (THUD), Dale Midkiff,
Andy Kavovit, Ron Pearlman, Anthony Starke (THUD) and Rick Worthy. And last
but not least, John Watson we are truly sorry. The Immortal would like to
thank Saaa and Saaa would like to thank The Immortal. And since we beta for
each other it was impossible to beta this b/c we wrote this together. Please,
don't hurt us-you let us know what you think.

Feedback IS ALWAYS WELCOME

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“Meowwwwww!”

 “Ow!” Josiah Sanchez yelled as he tripped over the black feline and landed hard on the pavement outside of Inez’s saloon.

 A drunken Ezra Standish laughed from the doorway. “I thought you were supposed to be the sober one.”

 Josiah made a face at the undercover agent. It wasn’t his fault the cat had walked in front of him and it certainly wasn’t his fault that he was the designated driver. He didn’t purposely draw the short straw.

 The seven ATF agents had just recently finished a big bust and were now finishing the party. They had discovered that a store named “Black Magic,” a shop that specialized in religious objects for those that practiced Voodoo had been using the store as a front. Along with the religious statues, herbs and books, they had been bringing in the country illegal weapons as well. Once the seven men had infiltrated the business, the proprietors had tried to explain the weapons as needed objects in the religion.

Josiah laughed as he stared at the black cat that now stood on the steps in front of the door. Ezra still stood in the door and laughed as well. That was until a less than sober Buck, and Vin pushed their way out of the door. The three tripped over the cat and landed on the sober agent. JD, Nathan and Chris weren’t far behind. But they managed to avoid the abused cat. However, they didn’t manage to avoid the flailing arms and legs of their colleagues. In a matter of seconds, they too were on the cold pavement.

“Get offa me.” Buck shouted as he pushed JD.

“Don’t push him on me,” Nathan shouted back.

“Could yall get off me, please? I don’t seem to be able to breathe,” the southern drawl was muffled by Vin’s jacket.

“Stupid cat,” JD mumbled.

“More worrisome than Cuervo,” Chris added.

Josiah let a small mischievous smile grace his features. He would take advantage of his sober state. “Well, you know. It is a black cat and it did cross yalls path.”

“So…” Buck prodded.

“Oh my gosh! That’s seven years bad luck isn’t it?” JD frantically asked the large ex-preacher. “Or is that the mirror?”

“I cannot believe that after all that Black Magic, Hocus Pocus, Voodoo Crap that we went through that you still believe in superstitions. By God men, this is the age of science!” Ezra stated as he attempted to stand. The others had finally gotten up and allowed him the pleasure of breathing. “What is that God awful stench?” Ezra asked as he accepted the helping hand from the black healer.

“Crap!” Nathan exclaimed.

“What?” the other six agents asked simultaneously.

“No, crap.” He explained as he pointed to the bottom of his shoe.

JD wrinkled his nose in distaste. “See! The bad luck is starting already.”

“Shut up JD!” Buck said as he smacked the newspaper boy hat off JD’s head.

Josiah sighed. It would be a long drive to their respective places. And now they had to deal with the smell that radiated from Nathan’s Doc Martins. He thought about shoving the mouthy southerner and the healer into a cab but thought against it. The cab driver hadn’t done anything to deserve that.

“Come on guys. We have to go to work tomorrow.” Josiah reluctantly stated as he pushed, pulled and maneuvered the six other men into his old truck. Tomorrow was going to be a horrible day.

The Next Day…

Chris had been sneaking around all morning and had yet to take off his black duster. He hoped that he maybe could stay in his office all day but knew he had to emerge at some point in time or the guys would know something was up. He wrapped his duster tighter around him and made a break for the coffee room. Unfortunately, as soon as he stepped out of his office, Vin was waiting for him.

Vin eyed Chris suspiciously. “You cold cowboy?”

Chris shot him a murderous look and Vin threw up his hands in mock surrender. “Aw hell,” the leader muttered and he took off his dark jacket.

“Put it back on!” Vin yelled then laughed. “You look more like a cow than a cowboy.” Vin forced out between laughs. “What the hell happened?” Vin asked as he took in his best friend’s appearance. Chris was dressed in a faded grayish/brown shirt and putrid yellow jeans.

The tangent ensued took the tracker completely by surprise. “Well, doing laundry is a lot tougher when drunk. Why the hell I own bleach, I don’t know. I only wear black clothes and as we all know we don’t need bleach for black. Must be those damn Clorox commercials with the talking bottles. They must have subliminal messages. Anyway, somehow, last night, while washing all my clothes, I knocked the bleach over into the washing machine. Needless to say, all I have is this.”

Vin pushed his computer chair back away from the irate ill-dressed man. “Whoa there cow.”

“Whoa, what happened to you?” JD asked as he rounded the corner and saw Chris. The older agent just glared back. “Dude, I meant that in the nicest way possible.”

Chris winced. “Just a bit of bad luck is all.”

“I’ll say,” Vin added.

JD’s jaw dropped. “Dude! Last night, the black cat! Josiah was right!”

“Hey Chris, maybe you should go find that black cat. Skin it. Wear it. Anything is better than what you got on.”
Chris laughed and immediately put his duster back. He’d be damned to let Ezra or Buck see him like this. Vin was bad enough.

Ezra pulled his sleek black Jaguar perfectly into the empty parking space. He had the headache from hell but at least it didn’t hinder his parking abilities. Paperwork on the other hand was a completely different story. He reached over to the glove compartment to get an aspirin but for some reason, the compartment would not open. What a day for it to get stuck.

While Ezra was pulling on the knob to get the glove compartment open, he didn’t notice Josiah pull into the spot next to him. The giant agent got out of his beat up truck and rapped lightly on the window of the Jaguar. The sound startled the undercover agent and he quickly lifted his head and banged it on the rearview mirror. “Ow!” the encounter with the mirror did nothing for his headache.

Cursing, he grabbed his briefcase and jumped out of the car, slamming his door behind him. “Never sneak up on a man like that! I am a trigger-happy undercover hungover agent with a popgun up his sleeve! I could take you out faster than you can say ‘ace of spades.’ You and your big knuckles tapping on my fragile window. Nevermore! Quoth the raven! Oh SHIT!” Ezra turned around and looked tragically through the window at the dangling keys in the ignition. He banged his forehead against the glass. “Now look what you made me do. I have locked the keys in the car. Damn black cat!”

“Calm down, Ezra. I’m sure we can get your keys out.” Josiah tried to reason with the exasperated agent. He reached for the handle on the passenger side door and tried to open it. Both men were surprised when the alarm began going off.

“Can’t you turn that off?” Josiah asked over the loud sound.

“Actually, I CAN’T. It’s on the keyring!” Ezra yelled back.

Ezra grabbed the door handle of the Jaguar and began to wrestle with it. Cursing, pounding, kicking and throwing an all out tantrum in the parking garage while trying to get the door open. It was a sight to behold and Josiah was going to make sure that everyone saw it.

“Be right back, Ez.” Josiah shouted as he raced up the stairs. He burst into the office. “Hey guys, you have to come see this.” He guffawed. Everyone except Chris followed Josiah to the parking garage.
The five men watched, amused, as Ezra practiced some form of jujitsu on the car. After about three minutes, Ezra stopped dejectedly and sat on the ground next to the tire. He put his head in his hands, trying to quell the ever-growing migraine.

Vin ambled up to the car and opened the door. Ezra looked up amazed. “How in the hell did you do that?”

Vin grinned. “Spare keys. Top drawer of your desk.”

“Bastard.”

Vin’s grin widened as he stopped the piercing sound of the alarm. He handed the keys to the thoroughly embarrassed agent and turned to walk back up the stairs. Once Ezra made it up the stairs, he entered his office and slammed the door behind him. He was not going to go out for the rest of the day.

Buck ran up the stairs and stopped at the closed door of Ezra’s office. With a wicked grin he began pounding on the door. “I can’t get in! I locked my keys in there! Is anyone in there? I can’t get in!” Ezra forcefully yanked open the door intending to tell Buck to stop clowning around. Unfortunately, Buck was in mid swing and nailed Ezra in the nose.

“God damnit Buck!”

“Whoa, sorry there pard. Did I break it?”

“No.” Ezra said as he tried to stop the blood from getting on his expensive tie. Buck handed him a handkerchief.
Chris opened his office door slightly, just enough for him to yell out. “Has anyone accomplished anything? No? I didn’t think so! Get back to work gentlemen!”

“What’s with him?” Buck asked the bleeding Ezra.

He just shrugged his shoulders and went back to his office, slamming the door in Buck’s face.
Josiah passed the stunned Buck with a stack of papers in his hand. They were some forms that Nathan had to fill out about the non-medicinal use of guns in Voodoo rituals. Josiah didn’t know how anyone could think that guns had some sort of religious or medicinal value. But Nathan did have to fill out the forms.

Josiah came up behind Nathan and stopped. “Hey Nate. Got some forms for ya.”

Nathan swiveled around in his computer chair and hit his forehead right on the stack of papers Josiah was holding.

“Ow!” Nathan reached up and gingerly touched the massive paper cut he now sported on his forehead. “Ow! That really smarts.”

 “Sorry Nate.”

“Just my luck. I’ve got a fancy date with Rain tonight. Now, I’ve got to go with a stupid band aide on my forehead and they don’t make band-aids for black people. So I’m going to be dressed up in my best suit with a huge white band-aid on my forehead. People are going to stare and you know I don’t like attention. And Rain is going to try and not look at it all night but I know she’s going to be staring at it. How can you not stare at a black man with a white strip of adhesive across his forehead?”

 Buck walked by and laughed at Nathan. “Hey, maybe the kid will let you borrow his Sesame Street band-aids.”

 “Shut up Buck!” Nathan and JD yelled at the same time.

Chris could be heard from his office. “Shut the hell up Buck and get some God damn work done!”

 “I swear, something flew up his pants this morning.” Buck muttered.

Vin smiled. “Cow flies, Bucklin.”

 “Huh?”

 “Hey, Vin and Buck. How about you two go to get lunch? I have a feeling that Chris, Nathan and Ezra aren’t going to want to leave the office today.”

“Sure thing Josiah.” Vin replied. He grabbed Buck by the shoulder and pulled him down the hall toward the stairs.

 “Where the hell is my First Aid kit?” Nathan shouted as he rifled through the drawers of his desk. “It was here. Someone has been in my desk!”

 JD stood up from his computer chair and walked over to the healer. He sheepishly handed the healer a white rectangle. “Here,” he said softly then walked away. Nathan opened up the wrapper and stared down in horror at Big Bird and Elmo. He sighed and handed the band-aid to Josiah. Josiah couldn’t help but laugh as he placed it over the paper cut on Nathan’s forehead.  “Physician, heal thyself.” Josiah snickered to himself.

 “This is beyond embarrassing.” Nathan muttered.

 Ezra flung open the door to his office and stomped out still holding a tissue to his bleeding nose. He walked over to Nathan’s desk and grabbed the box of tissues that were sitting on the corner.

 “May I borrow…” he began but stopped in mid sentence. “Today’s episode was brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.”

 “Shut up, Ezra and take the damn tissues.”

 Ezra mock saluted and went back to his office, slamming the door behind him.

 “Is any work at all getting done? What the hell am I paying you for?” Chris yelled from his office. “Do you call this service to your country?”

 “What the hell has gotten into him?” Nathan asked Josiah.

 Josiah shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll go find out.” The big agent walked over to his leader’s door and decided against knocking since he would just be told to go away. Instead he opted for the direct approach and just went in.

 “Shit!” Chris exclaimed when Josiah entered his office. It had gotten warm in the room so he had taken off his duster. It had taken him by surprise when someone had entered his office. He quickly slammed his half-full coffee cup down on his desk and reached across for his duster. “Haven’t you ever heard of…” Chris didn’t finish his sentence as his jacket sleeve caught the handle of the coffee cup and knocked it over. Every last drop fell onto his already brown shirt.

 Josiah couldn’t resist commenting. “Got a little coffee on your shirt, Chris.”

Chris looked up from the mess on his desk and on himself and gave the giant agent a glare that would send Satan running back to the gates of Hell. “Good to the last drop.” Chris deadpanned. “What do you want?” he asked, no longer hiding his bleached clothing.

 Josiah smiled. “The others just wanted to know what had gotten into you today.”

Chris’ smile was feral. “Only half of my coffee,” he answered.

 Josiah nodded and left the office making sure to close the door behind him.

 Meanwhile, JD was furiously working on the other side of the office. He was finally going to get Buck back for that evil prank he pulled on him last weekend. It was supposed to be a special date for him and Casey. And it had been the first night that Buck had left the apartment to JD since the Love Shack incident. The date had started well, but quickly turned disastrous when they had gone up to JD’s room. Instead of his usual posters and computer stuff, the room had been redecorated He-man style. Complete with a pair of He-man little boy underwear hanging from a thumbtack in the wall. Needless to say, the mood was ruined.

 “Well, Buck. I have the power.” JD laughed wickedly as he pulled the superglue out from his pocket. “Let’s see you try to open your desk anytime soon.” JD, fully knowing the hazardous potential of the glue, carefully unscrewed the cap and went to work on all the desk drawers.

“JD!” Nathan called from across the room.

 “What?” JD called back immediately startled and squeezed the tube by accident.

 “Have you seen my First Aid Kit?”

 JD rolled his eyes. “No! What’s wrong with the band aide I gave you?”

 Ezra opened the door to his office. “Mr. Jackson is partial to Snuffalupagus.” He said as he went to go talk to the ex-medic about his nose.

 “Shut up, Ez.”

 JD returned back to his task at hand. The superglue had been effectively squeezed all over the desk now.

“Great,” JD muttered.

 The sound of the door slamming made JD’s heart quicken. Crap! They were back. Frantically, he tried to conceal the mess.

 “What are you doing, JD?”

 It wasn’t the voice that the kid had expected. It was Josiah. The door he had heard was the big agent leaving the office of their illustrious leader. JD laughed nervously. He would have to chill out or start pulling pranks when no one was around.

 “Nothing,” JD answered nonchalantly while leaning on Buck’s desk.

 Josiah eyed the youth suspiciously. “Just don’t get into trouble.” He warned.

 JD nodded innocently and tried to straighten. A look of pure panic crossed his features. “Oh my God!” he mouthed. JD tried to pull his right hand from the desk. It didn’t budge.

 “What’s wrong JD?” Josiah asked concerned.

 “I’m stuck.”

 “Stuck on what?”

“The superglue, you idiot! I can’t even play a prank right! Buck is going to kill me! Not only can he not open the drawers to his desk but I’m stuck here. PERMANENTLY! I can’t even do this right. Vin always pulls pranks and never gets caught. It’s a matter of fact that Ezra isn’t that bad either. And even if I did do it right, I probably wouldn’t get the credit. Just my luck! Oh my God! It’s the cat! That’s it! From now on, no cats, no ladders, no mirrors. I’m going to become a hermit. I’ll do all my work from home. Unless, you know of bad luck plaguing computers… do you Josiah?”

 Josiah cleared his throat and walked away.

 “Josiah! Josiah! You can’t leave me here!”

 “What’s wrong JD?” Nathan called from rummaging through Vin’s desk looking for his First Aide Kit.

 “Do you have anything that removes superglue?”

 “Removes superglue from what?”

 “From me damn it! I superglued my hand to Buck’s desk.”

 “Well, JD, I have some solvent in my First Aid Kit but as you know, It seems to be misplaced! How many times have I told you guys to put stuff back when you borrow it?”

 “1 time, 2 time and I count them. Ha ha ha.” Ezra replied in his best Transylvanian accent.

 Nathan glared at the southerner. “Why don’t you help me look instead of standing there making smart ass comments?”

 Suddenly, the elevator chimed. JD moaned. “Caught red handed.”

 JD’s theatrical moment was cut short when a police officer walked in followed by Buck and Vin who were soaking wet. “I need to talk to an Agent Larabee.”

 Josiah hid a smile. “I’ll go get him.” He volunteered.

 “What the hell happened to you two?” Nathan asked as he still looked for his beloved kit.

 “Yes, do tell us what happened.” Chris said as he emerged from his office without his duster.
 Buck couldn’t contain his laughter. “How ‘bout you go first?”  Larabee just glared at his agent.
 The police officer ignored the friendly banter. “Mr. Larabee. Is this one of your agents?” the officer asked while gesturing to Buck.

 “Yes.” Chris answered turning his glare to the officer.

 “Well, I suggest you teach him the value of a map.” The officer turned and walked back to the elevator. “but please God don’t teach him the finer points of dressing.” He mumbled.

Chris turned his glare to his best friend. “What the hell happened?”

Vin took a deep breath. “It’s all Buck’s fault. The man can’t decide whether he wants to wipe today or tomorrow much less what kind of sandwich he wants to eat. He had me driving all over town. And THEN it started raining and of course the top was down. And as yall have pointed out time and again I don’t live in the best part of town. When we stopped to put the top back on, it was gone. It just wasn’t there. Someone had taken it. I was so preoccupied with all my stuff getting wet, I couldn’t tell my ass from my elbow. Imagine that! The tracker getting lost. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, a little too ironic. Yeah, I really do think.” Buck added.

 “Too bad Nathan wasn’t with you. He could’ve told you how to get to Sesame Street.” Ezra commented.

 “Yes, well that brings us to Buck.” Vin turned his ice blue gaze to the man standing next to him. “Or should I say, Bert.”

 Buck looked innocently over to Chris. “I was just getting the directions. It wasn’t my fault that she was an undercover police officer posing as a prostitute. Most women would be flattered being talked to that way. I was just being me. Must be losing my touch. I never had problems before. I mean, Sara liked it. So did Frances, Audrey, Summer, Cara, Julia, Emily, Nancy, Catie, Brenda, Jill, Lizzie, Kim, and Rina. Need I go on? We could be here for days. Except Gwen but she had bad taste in music. We all know that, ya’ll were there. Am I losing my animal magnetism?”

 Ezra chuckled. “Well, as soon as Nathan finds his First Aide Kit he’ll let you know.”

 JD watched the entire time as his two friends ranted about their bad luck. “It’s the cat! We should all go into hiding. Especially, you Chris.” Everyone chalked up a point for the kid.

 Buck turned to his best friend. “And you should get up from my desk, Elmo.”

 JD smiled sheepishly. “Well, I can’t. Not until Nathan finds the solvent which is in the misplaced kit.”

Chris finally spoke. “What do you mean misplaced? It’s in my office where you left it Nathan. So you always would know where it was.”

 “I take it back, Vin. Nathan wouldn’t be able to help you find Sesame Street.”

Vin smiled at the sarcastic southerner. “Even though it is taped to his forehead.”

 “Well, it’s not exactly a sunny day.” Chris added.

 “Too bad it’s not darker. When are you going to change, cow?”

 Nathan walked into Chris’ office and a few moments later, returned triumphantly with the bottle of superglue solvent. “Found it!” he cried.

“Very good Natasha, now we can concentrate on Moose and Squirrel.” Chris shot at his agent in a Russian accent. He laughed at his own little joke. Maybe today wasn’t as bad as he thought. He looked down at his clothing. Never mind.

 Buck walked up to his desk and glared at his roommate. “What are you doing glued to my desk?”

 JD stared defiantly back. “Does He-man ring a bell?”

 Buck laughed. “By the power of….by the power of…oh what the hell does he say?”

 “By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and furniture. You may kiss the desk.” Vin said as he came up behind JD and pushed his head down toward the desk.

 “No don’t!” Nathan yelled from across the office.

 “Yes, you aren’t certified to pronounce anything. That’s Josiah’s job.”

 At the mention of the big agent’s name everyone turned to look at him. “Yeah Josiah,” Buck murmured.

 “How’s your day been, big guy?” Chris asked from his doorway.

 “Magnificent,” was the answer.

 “Yeah,” JD added. “You started this whole thing.”

 “Yes, It was you that mentioned all that Black Magic, Hocus Pocus, Voodoo Crap.”

 Josiah smiled. “Don’t tell me that you all believe in that sort of thing. Sheer coincidence. But, let me buy you all drinks down at Inez’s.”

 “Well, we might as well leave now. We aren’t going to get any work done.”

 “Might I make a suggestion?” Ezra asked quietly. “Mr. Larabee, it would be in our utmost interest if you would don your jacket.”

 At the Saloon

 The seven men were crowded around their usual table, drinking beer and eating lunch. Vin looked over at his best friend right as Chris was chewing a mouthful of steak.

 “It ain’t nice to eat your own kind.”

 “Well, Ernie, if you had found us food earlier I wouldn’t have to resort to this.” Chris shot back.

 On the other side of the table, JD was flexing his hand. He picked up his beer mug, took a sip then forcefully pried his hand away from the glass. Buck grimaced as he watched his best friend try to keep things from sticking to him. He vowed that he wouldn’t play another prank for a while. He turned his attention away from the kid to Inez.

 “Inez, you are a beautiful flower in the midst of a most miserable day. Come sit on my lap.”

 Inez rolled her eyes. “This isn’t Hooters Senor Buck. That’s down the street.”

 “Maybe she could draw a map and you could have Vin drive you there.” Ezra snickered.

 Buck threw a fry at the southern agent. “Well you sure as hell can’t drive me. Not with the door of your car all bent up after you went jujitsu on it.”

 Ezra threw the fry back. “You’re lucky I didn’t go jujitsu on your nose after what you did to mine.”

 “Speaking of faces, how’s your head, Nate?” Josiah asked around a mouthful of lettuce and salad dressing.

 “I don’t know.” Nathan peeled the band aide off of his forehead.

 “It’s all healed up,” Josiah declared.

 “Those Sesame Street Band-Aid’s are medicated.” JD said as he pried the fork from his grasp.

 The seven agents enjoyed their afternoon off and the end of a hellish day. As they finished their meals, Vin leaned over to Chris. “What now brown cow?”

 “Now, I buy clothes.”

 “Can you give me a ride? My car is still without a top.”

 “Sure.”

 “Mr. Tanner you could always come with me. I have to go get the door of my car fixed and I’m sure you could pick up a top to your car that is within your price range.”

 “Come on JD. We need to find something to get the last bit of glue of your hand,” Buck said as he slapped the newspaper boy hat off JD’s head.

 “Where are you going Nate?”

 “I still have that date with Rain. What about you Josiah?”

  “I’m going home,” The older man smiled mischievously as he opened his umbrella indoors. The other men watched his action with horror.

“Oh no,” JD moaned. “Not again.”

~ The End