Alas, Poor Me

(otherwise known as Fargo’s revenge)

 

By JudyL

February 16, 2005

 

This story was inspired by Arnie’s ‘Alas, Poor Fargo.’ She wrote a wonderful tale about Jim’s obsession with getting rid of Blair’s Fargo hat. I thought it might be nice to see things from a different perspective.

 

Thanks Arnie for letting me spoof your story.

Here’s the link to Arnie’s story: http://www.wolfpanther.com/stories/fargo.html


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Oh God! It’s winter again. Usually I’m quite happy to be pulled out and put to the use that I was created for, but not this year. You see, I’m afraid that I’m going to be murdered. Yes, that’s right. It’s that big, dumb cop partner of his. He’s had it in for me ever since we first met. I could tell by the way he laughed at me, then the look in his eyes the second time he saw me. Makes me shiver.

 

Only problem is that shivering makes me shed. I’m sorry, it’s in my nature. It’s not my fault he’s allergic. I can only hope that Blair doesn’t leave me unprotected.

 

*********

 

Close call number 1

 

Well, I’m doomed. I’ll never see the light of day again. Ellison snuck in while Blair was sleeping and kidnapped me. Then he took me down to the dungeon, wrapped me in some stinking canvas and stuffed me under some trunks.

 

Ah, man, now a spider has decided to make its home in me. I cannot believe this. Of all the indignities.

 

BLAIR! Oh, thank you, thank you. I’m so glad you found me. I promise to keep your ears warm forever. Bless you… No! Wait! Don’t put me on… the spider!

 

*********

 

Close call number 2

 

Ellison did it again! He kidnapped me again! And you think Blair has bad luck?

 

This time that Neanderthal dumped me in the trash. Man did it stink. All I want to do is keep Blair warm. Why can’t the man understand that? I want to protect his partner. You’d think he’d appreciate that, but noooo. Not big, bad Ellison. Can’t let anyone else help his little guppy. Sigh.

 

The good news is that Blair is persistent. He searched high and low and amazingly enough found me the next day. I’ll show Ellison. I’ll just shed a bit more, see how Mr. Sensitive likes the allergens. He he he.

 

**********

 

Close call number 3

 

Well this is getting a bit ridiculous. And the man calls himself a Covert Op specialist. Can’t even get rid of a hat!

 

He should have paid that bum more money to get rid of me. As it was, the guy only dumped me in another trashcan near Rainier University, Blair’s stomping ground. Fate was with me and my master found me once again. Unfortunately all this washing is hard on me. The only good thing about it is that Ellison has to put up with more of my shedding.

 

***********

 

Close call number 4

 

This is pathetic. He had to enlist the help of his boss to get rid of me this time. We traveled to San Francisco of all places. It’s hardly a town that requires a fine hat like me, the weather is too mild most of the year. But there you have it. I ended up at the local Banks residence looking at a lifetime of uselessness.

 

Things looked grim until a friend of the family came by and saw me. She was delighted and asked if she could have me. No one objected because they didn’t actually know where I had come from in the first place. I feel loved again. Tiffany is really pleased to have found me. But wait, what’s with the box? What are you doing? Oh, it’s so dark in here…

 

The box is jostled and dropped and maybe even kicked for all I can tell from inside, but finally I seem to have reached my destination. I wonder where Tiffany sent me? Light, and a familiar voice! Blair!

 

I can’t believe it! Ellison’s diabolical plan backfired again. He glares at me and I glare right back. This is war.

 

**********

 

Close call number 5

 

Ellison’s planning something. I can smell it. I just have to make sure that I stick close to Blair for protection.

 

IEEEEE! He’s done it again. This time shoving me into his desk drawer when Blair wasn’t watching. Help!

 

He’s back, what’s he doing? Oh no, not another box! What? He can’t be serious? ALASKA?

 

I’m not really sure what happened while I was in that box. All I know is that it moved around. A lot. The last stop ended in a puddle of water and somehow, miraculously back to the scene of the crime. I must have a guardian angel.

 

**********

 

The end

 

This is it. The end of my life. Ellison is really going to do it. I’m sorry Blair. I’ll miss you. I can only hope that another will take my place and give you the warmth you deserve. I’ve seen that sorry excuse for a hat that Ellison tried to replace me with. It’s just not up to the job. I’m sorry. Parting is such sweet sorrow…

 

FIRE! NO! Please! Look, Ellison, can’t we come to some sort of a truce, man? I promise to stop shedding. I’ll convince Blair to only use me on the coldest days. Please, not the fire… no.. AHHHHHHHHH!

 

.

.

.

.

 

So this is it. This is heaven. I wondered if there was a place for well meaning Fargo hats. I tried. I really tried.

 

Huh? Reincarnation? Really? And because I was murdered, I can choose where and how? Cool!

 

Look out Ellison, here I come!

 

The end (for real)

 

 

 

 

Feedback is greatly appreciated. Judy

 

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